Chapter VII (The Resurrected - A love story by Billy Shaw)

My fabulous Shannon women were still out working when I put the finishing touches on my sumptuous fishfest. There were oysters and crablegs and salmon and sushi. Everything I could find that said you're special and I love you now eat. I'd even tried to make crabcakes but I botched the job so badly I turned it into a fishlike form of meatloaf figuring to eat it in the privacy of my own lunch when nobody was looking. Once complete, there was nothing left to do but wait patiently for my family to arrive. That's when the phone rang.

"Hello!" I said happily half expecting to hear Dawn's voice on the other end.

"Hi Billy. It's me." came a sobering voice. It chilled me.

"How's life in Virginia?" was the first thing I could think of.

"It's hot. It's lonely. And it sucks. I'm as busy as usual. How are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm as Billy as usual. I'm doing well." and I let it hang there as hard as I could in the silence that I knew would follow.

"You're going to make this hard for me, aren't you?" she finally said and the silence was broken.

"Make what hard for you?"

"You know, man, you moved and didn't even give me your new number. Every one of your friends here has your new number. I had to call around to get it."

"Yeah. And now you've got it." As much as I hated playing games with her, I was starting to enjoy the act of hanging short sentences out in the silent air.

"Talk to me, Billy. Don't leave it like this."

"You're one of the few people on the planet who ever managed to leave me speechless. You didn't answer my phone messages and you never responded to my emails. You left me to drown in your silence for more than three months. And then another three months. You started dating someone else and then you had the fucking temerity to lie about our relationship to my friends. You know, the ones I saw fit to share my phone number with. So pardon me for being clueless here. But don't leave what like fucking what? I ended up doing all the talking. I told you how I felt. I begged you to talk to me. But you didn't. And now you're asking me to talk to you?! Why don't you fucking talk to me?! Talk to me! You owe it to me and I don't owe you a goddamned thing!"

"I'm sorry, Billy. I'm really sorry. That's all I wanted to say. I called you to say I'm sorry." and I could hear her begin to cry.

"No you didn't. You called and told me to talk to you. Apologizing to me for ripping my fucking heart out sounds more like you talking to me. But it's refreshing to finally hear you talk for once."

"I'm just... sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Of course you didn't. You meant to kill me. You would have been plenty happy to see me dead and buried. You didn't care. You didn't give a shit."

"That's not true, Billy! I did care! I cared for you very much. More than I ever knew."

"And you know it now? Is that it?"

"Yes, Billy. I do."

"Why? How could you possibly know it now? You haven't had any contact with me for six months. What did I do? Grow on you in abstentia?" But the Hallidey women had been training me well. I would be damned before I got caught completely clueless again. "You're pregnant aren't you? Tell me you're not seven months pregnant." And I felt my innocence start to slide away from me like losing blood and going into hypovolemic shock. Just even thinking this way made me feel uninnocent.

"No Billy. I'm not pregnant."

"Then what do you want with me? What could you possibly want from me now?" I asked and again I was as completely clueless as ever. But hey. At least I was trying.

"I just wanted to hear your voice again. I thought maybe... maybe you'd be willing to forgive me... and just tell me... tell me... you love me. That's all I wanted." she managed to get out through her crying.

"I love you. I'll always love you. But I'll never trust you. Ever. You can leave it at that because that's all there is between us and that's all there's ever going to be. You're a toxic poison and I've had enough to kill most people. I only survived because I had the good sense to seek prompt medical attention. You knew that. And it turned you off. You always wanted the strong silent type and instead you got a Billy Shannon and it turned you off. You even said so. You deserve the strong silent type. You really do. You deserve your first husband and I hope you find him. Have a passionless lowgrade romance with your strong silent type. The silence should fit you both comfortably."

If she'd been thinking straight she could have called me on any number of things I'd just said. Like Dawn did that first night in the hot tub. But this woman wasn't Dawn and her soul was as naked and bared to me as it would ever be.

"You still care about me! I know you do!" and her crying intensified. Well, she was more like Dawn than I was giving her credit for, in a crude and emotionally raw sort of way.

"Baby, I want you to remember three things I'm about to say. I want you to remember them forever. For as long as either of us lives. Can you remember three things?"

"Yes Billy. I'll remember."

"Good. Number one. I'll always love you. Number two. I'll never trust you. Are you with me so far?"

"Yes Billy. I'm with you. And number three?"

"You changed me forever and I'll never forget it. Never. Now take this into your next relationship. And the one after that. And every other one you ever have. These three things. That's how you affect men. Remember these three things and maybe, just maybe, you'll stop killing men. Three things. Remember them."

There was silence on the phone for a moment.

"Billy?"

"Yeah."

"I'll always love you, Billy."

"Yeah."

"Goodbye, Billy."

Raw and cruel and unclean. That's how I felt at that moment. I knew we'd never be together again. Not even marrying Dawn nailed our coffin shut like hearing the phone line disconnect. I'd never been this cruel in my life toward anybody. But I'd never been as brutally honest either. It was an unclean feeling and I didn't like it. I felt like I'd crushed her spirit for no better reason than I thought she deserved it. And if she called me again I'd go for her throat one more time until she was good and dead. That's how much pain I carried. I would do it again and again until someone dragged me away from her cold and lifeless body. So this was the fabled flipside of love. Then I fixed myself a drink and tried to stop shaking before my wife and daughter came home.

And they did come home but not the way I was expecting. The phone rang.

"Hello!" I answered with a different set of expectations than before.

"Hi Daddy! Look outside our window!"

So I walked to the window and looked out onto the first floor deck where the pool and hot tubs were located. There in our special green waters were a naked mother and daughter. Daughter held a cell phone in her hand and she was waving at me to come join them. Dawn grabbed the phone from her and asked me to bring down some bathing suits.

"Hey you guys! What's up? Here's some clothes so we don't all get arrested." Even in the waning moments of her career I couldn't help but laugh at the fact I just told Cassandra Hallidey to put some clothes on. In a hot tub no less.

"Daddy! Throw me in the air and let me fall into the water like a falling star! OK?" And this much I could oblige her without hesitation.

Having tossed her into our little twelve foot ocean I swam over to Dawn and held her tightly and showered her with kisses. "Hi beautiful! What's new in orthopedic rehabilitation? Did you enjoy your first day at the clinic?"

"It was too surreal, Billy! Almost everybody in the clinic is on somebody's national ski team! There were a couple of tennis players too. Everybody kept asking me my name and I told at least twenty people I'm Dawn Shannon. At least five people asked me if I was Billy Shannon's wife. You probably know more people there than I do! They kept asking me if I've ever met Kelly Stone."

"You mean that woman of the new millennium?" I asked with a smile.

"Yeah! That's the one! There were a dozen copies of that magazine laying around and not a single person put two and two together. I guess they don't read the articles."

"They were mostly guys weren't they?"

"Yeah! I suppose a couple of them can actually read. They must be the ones who spend all day reading about themselves in ski magazines."

"I love you Dawn. I just wanted you to know that."

"What's wrong Billy? You look weird. Is everything OK?"

"Everything's fine. I just finished cooking dinner for three people. I've never done that before and I'm still a little shaky. I just wanted you to know that I love you. That's all."

"Billy. I'm going to enjoy being your husband. I hope you enjoy being my wife." she said as she started to massage me.

"Are you going to get more bouyant as you get more pregnant? Will you end up bouncing around the pool like a wine cork? I always wondered about that."

"Wives' tales say a pregnant woman can't drown. You can use me as a life preserver if our sailboat sinks. But you better hope we get saved before I give birth."

"Are you pregnant enough now to notice any differences? Are you floating more?"

"Did you really fix the three of us dinner? That's so domesticated! I'm proud of you! What are we having?"

"Ironically we're having alot of fish. If it floats around in the water then we'll be eating it. I hope you catch my drift Mrs. Shannon."

Halli had been spending the last few minutes on the phone with Erik. She was sitting in her hot tub talking to her second grade boyfriend on a cell phone.

"Tell Erik hello for us, sweetheart. Now tell him goodbye. It's time for dinner." Dawn said.

"OK Mommy! Bye Erik. See you in school, OK? I love you." and she put the phone down by the side of the pool on her little pile of clothing.

"Uh, Halli?" I asked. "Do you tell everybody you love them or just Erik?"

"Just Erik, Daddy. I love everybody in school but Erik's the only boy I tell that to. I tell his mommy also. But she's a girl."

"What does Erik say when you tell him that?" I asked.

"He turns really red! It's neat to watch him do it. I kissed him in class one time and he turned purple and had to go to the bathroom. I wanted to laugh at him but I didn't."

"Well then. Are you ready to eat fishy food that floats around in the ocean? I've got enough to turn us all into mermaids."

"OK Daddy!" And she jumped out of the tub and ran upstairs.

"Mermaids?" Dawn asked. "Have you been watching TV again?"

"I try to be selective. I really do. But that machine is so... random." I said.

"You've been talking to Kelly again. She and I have had this conversation. Her machine isn't random, Billy. It's nothing like random. It's more like a magnet. A giant magnet."

"She told me her parents don't even know she's a somebody. They treat her like a nobody and she doesn't seem to mind. Do you think it hurts her?"

"Those have got to be your words and not hers. She doesn't think that way. Nobody and somebody aren't words she would use like that. Chris and acceptance are words she would use to describe her feelings for her parents. That's more like Kelly. She doesn't know from nobody or somebody. That's why she deserves to be who she's becoming. She'll be somebody like nobody's business and never give it a second thought. That's really why I like her."

"So really, she's nothing like Halli. Halli's completely different."

"Completely. And Kelly doesn't see it. But you're beginning to. You're just beginning to understand it. I can tell."

"Kelly told me today that Halli's alot more like her than she is like you. Do you think that's true?"

"Kelly's twenty years old and ill-equipped to understand much of anything that's not Kelly. It might be true but if it is, she's stumbled onto a truth by accident. It happens sometimes. But not because she actually understands anything. Halli's tapped into a pathology and Kelly hasn't. Kelly's being healthy for Kelly. If and when she has her own daughter she'll make a distinction and then it'll be a different story. Do you think I'm right?"

"Yes. I think you're making sense. Scary sense. I gotta admit you're making sense. And I'd tell you if you weren't."

"Let's go feed our mermaid."

"She's gonna be a naked little mermaid if she keeps leaving her clothes here. I'll take them upstairs and you can have your phone back." I handed Dawn the cell phone and grabbed my little mermaid's clothing. "So she loves Erik, huh? I told you he was in no position to bitch. I betcha he grows up to be a dentist and never knows why until he goes into therapy."

"Or he could grow up and become a psychiatrist and never know why until he goes to the dentist." Dawn said.

"What if the dentist is a woman? That would fuck his head up. And he'd still be oblivious."

"Unless he marries our daughter. Then he'll come home from the dentist, floss our little girl, and finally figure things out in the bathroom." she said.

"Unless he ends up like most psychiatrists. Then he'll do the dentist and proceed to go home as oblivious as the rest of the guys. Even guiltless in his oblivion."

"But you're not like the rest of the guys. What made you so different, Billy? Really. How come you're so different? Tell me. I'd really like to know. Please?"

"OK. You're my wife and my best friend in the world and I'll tell you. It's a guy secret and I'll have to swear you to secrecy. Promise?"

"You bet! Now tell me!"

"I'm not the rest of the guys because I've been fascinated by one too many women and I've made it a point to try and understand them. You can't still be the rest of the guys and even begin to approach the issue of women. I can still be a man but I can't still be the rest of the guys. Nobody can wallow in that kind of ignorance and even begin to understand women. Guys go bowling with each other and bitch about women over cold beers. The odd man out stays home with his wife and the other guys lose their connection with him and treat him like another one of the women they'll never understand. It's like the odd few of us swear our allegiance to an earthen secret society in a primordial place where most guys just don't get invited. The women share it with me and it's a privilege to be asked to join. But the price is exhorbidant and most guys don't realize they have that kinda capital. Most guys who do have it end up lavishing themselves with more reminders that they're guys. They buy cars and boats and pursue the fine art of acting like shitheads on their uniquely male power trips. You know the kind of people I'm talking about. I spent my capital, I mean every last dime, attempting to get into this primordial society. It's where I wanted to be. See, being one of the guys really sucks when they can't connect with women. They end up hating and distrusting women and spending their miserable lives making women miserable. I hate these people and I will never become one of them. But they hate me also. So I end up with Cassandra Hallidey and they end up with fading copies of your videotapes. The saddest part of it isn't the gulf between them and their women. The saddest part is that somebody's daughter is always willing to jump in their cars or hop on their boats and giggle that cute little bimbo laugh that says Oh I think you're so cool let me tag along for the ride you big stud. Then when he fucks her over she goes running for shelter. Maybe she finds it and maybe she doesn't. Or maybe she fucks him over and he goes running for shelter. Like I did."

"Oh."

"That's why I'm not like the rest of the guys. I'll be damned if I'm gonna rot in hell here on Earth. I might rot there in my afterlife but I'm not going to douse myself with gasoline and light my own match. There are too many careless women ready to do the job for me. It takes a very special woman to recognise how different I really am. One of them did and I wanted to marry her. She agreed and we became a Couple. We can still go bowling together but by god I'll never be one of the guys. Any more than you will."

There was nothing she could say so she didn't. She kissed me instead. And again. And a coupla more times. Like being a Couple was working out for the both of us. My little tirade would have turned most women right off. I know it has in the past. But not Dawn. She understood the rant.

For as much food as I'd prepared, there was nothing left by the time we finished dinner. Going to work sure made these women hungry! And Halli seemed placated with the fact that her job was to finish the second grade. After dinner she went in her room to do her homework. Her assignment was to draw an animal that lives in the forest. She said she was gonna draw a deer. As a matter of fact, she intended to draw a whole family of deer. The mommy and daddy deer and a bunch of baby deer.

Dawn and I cleaned up the kitchen together and went out on the porch.

"Thanks for dinner, Billy! That was scrumptious. Now I feel just like a mermaid." she said with a smile. "A pregnant mermaid."

"So how did you have Tamara? In a hospital? Did you do natural childbirth and stuff?"

"Yes. And yes. She was a fairly easy delivery."

"Was it lonely not having a man around and coming home to an empty house?"

"I really didn't know from lonely. Yeah, the house was pretty empty. But it sure wasn't quiet. Not after we came home from the hospital. I had a roommate before I had Halli but she moved out before the real noise started. She could have stayed on if she wanted to but I think she knew what was in store for her if she did."

"What was Tamara like? Was she happy? Noisy? Did she sleep all night?"

"She was a happy little baby. She really was. She didn't make much noise but when she did, she was the loudest thing in the neighborhood. She started sleeping all night but it took more than a couple of months. She started sleeping through the night earlier than some of the other babies in the building. You know how a dog starts barking at night and then all the other dogs in the neighborhood start barking too? That's what it was like sometimes with little crying babies. If we all had our windows open. I finally started using air conditioning and closed the windows just so we could get some sleep."

"Are you looking forward to being a mommy again?"

"I'm pretty excited about it. I'm pretty excited about having some extra help this time too. How about you? Are you excited?"

"I sure am! Can I go to the hospital and be there when you deliver?"

"Sure. That would be great. You can hold my hand and tell me things. But no video cameras, OK? This isn't anything anybody needs to sit down and watch on television."

"You're gonna break Peter's heart. Not that it isn't broken already."

"The world will learn to adjust. Just like we are."

"Are you comfortable with your adjustments?"

"I'll do OK with it. I gotta admit though. I was kind of excited when I thought we were gonna get filthy rich off that videotape. You never brought up the subject. Are you disappointed we're not going to be millionaires?"

"Not any more disappointed than you are about not getting as famous as Kelly. I think we can both live comfortably with any decisions you make. But I can't live like the idle rich if I'm not rich. You've got a job with a modest income and I've got no job and no income. Doing seasonal work around a ski resort worked out fine when I was all by myself but things are different now. I need to figure out what to do with my life. I gotta figure out what I wanna be when I grow up."

"Is there anything you really want to do? Anything really turn you on?"

"Well I kinda wanted to run for Congress but that was before I found out I wasn't going to be a millionaire."

"OK, so I guess we're not going to Washington. Any other ideas?"

"I used to design computer equipment. I'd sit in a little cubicle in front of a computer in an artificial atmosphere and play chicken with the rest of my life. I finally cried uncle and pulled off to the side of the road. I can't believe I ever got into that business to begin with. It was an accident. A real fluke."

"Which was worse? The office or the work?"

"Yes."

"Don't you run with a rescue squad?"

"Yeah. But being a paramedic is like volunteering to clean up the side of an adopted highway. Thank god people are willing to do it but society thinks we should be doing it for free. I would get seventy five or a hundred dollars an hour to sit in an office for six months at a time and waste corporate money because there was always so much of it. That's more money per hour than people get for an entire day of cutting folks out of cars and saving their lives. But you're in the medical profession, Dawn. You know how fucked up everything is. I don't have to start preaching to you about it. You'll be preaching to me about it soon enough."

"Yeah, but I was smart. And lucky. I ended up in a sports rehab clinic for professional athletes in one of the richest towns in the country. When I have to start preaching, the whole medical profession's gonna be in bad shape."

"But alas, you knew what you wanted and you went for it and you got it. That's special on it's own merits. That's strength and determination and patience. It's admirable. Even for a film star looking to undo her fame and live like the rest of us."

"But you're Kelly Stone's coach. I know you are because I read it in a magazine. Surely there's some leverage you can use. What about it?"

"I spent ten minutes of her life coaching her. That was the fastest career I ever had. We probably spent more time than that making Tamara! Or at least you should tell me we did and flatter your old man."

"Well you certainly do manage to get alot of milage out of ten minute careers."

"And if I'm not looking to get famous and shit, then there's no reason for me to hang around Kelly except to be friends and socialize on the slopes or in the hot tub. It would defeat your whole sacrificial process to end up in the same place we're trying to avoid because the other side of the happy couple went and got himself known. Or am I offbase?"

"Sacrificial process? Is that the way you see things? Maybe it's me who's offbase. Am I offbase, Billy?"

"Certainly not. You're standing in the batter's box ready to let loose a long sacrifice fly. You're gonna do it to advance the runners. Sometimes the coach tells the batter to do it and sometimes the batter thinks it up all by herself. The whole point is to protect the baserunners. Only strong hitters can get away with a sacrifice. And with a heavy hitter at the plate it doesn't make any sense for me to get fancy and go on a basestealing rampage."

"Baseball analogies? You're using baseball analogies? When did that happen?"

"OK then try this one. There's this big smoldering volcano, see? And we're gonna toss a virgin into the lava so the big god Moomoo won't destroy the village. And..."

"The big god Moomoo?!"

"Yeah. And the virgin's going Pick Me! Pick Me! and everybody thinks she's crazy but they're happy at least it's not them."

"Virgin? Where the hell did they find a virgin? I'll bet she's ugly as sin and the big god Moomoo ends up destroying the village anyway."

"Well shit happens. I know because I read it on a bumper sticker."

"OK so maybe we don't need any analogies. Are you going to make it a point to stay unfamous so that my uh, sacrificial process doesn't become an empty gesture? Is that what you're saying?"

"Yep. That's what I'm saying. If it was good enough for you then it's good enough for me. The whole point is to protect Halli's clean environment. Right?"

"So we're both making futile gestures if Kelly messes things up. Just being around her could put Tamara Hallidey in the spotlight. We could be damned either way."

"See. This is why I kept saying meet the world on your own terms. It's what Amanda keeps saying. These aren't your terms, Dawn. These are desparate response tactics. Like giving up your career. And being too scared to go visit your friends. These aren't terms. Certainly not yours. What's got you so freaked? Are you that scared for Halli? Why now? Why not five years ago? I just don't get it. You keep trying to explain it to me and I keep missing the point."

"Look. I don't want to be famous anymore. I want to be forgotten and unmissed. Can you understand that?"

"Yes. I'm with you."

"I want Tamara to be an informed consenting adult before she chooses a life in the oven. Can you understand that?"

"Yes. I'm still with you."

"Until Kelly came along there was no possibility for Tamara to be thrust onto the stage. None. Nobody was that interested in the family of Cassandra Hallidey. Now all of a sudden everything's changed. I pick up a magazine and I'm on the front cover and my little girl's on the inside somewhere looking cute and trying to make a career out of it. Uh uh. Unacceptable."

"Then why did you get involved in the first place?"

"It looked like a money maker. I thought we were gonna get rich. It was going to be my present to you. To both of you."

"And if Kelly hadn't dicked with Halli you'd still be on track?"

"No. I was wrong. That's why I shut down the train. I realized that if it weren't one thing it would be another. There was just no way to manage this. The train was about ready to run away on us. I can afford to be a nobody, Billy. I can't afford not to be right now. Now do you understand?"

"Well you're not running away. I'll give you that much credit."

"But you still don't really understand, do you? You can admit it. It's OK."

"I never really understand much of anything. I'll admit that much. I'm with you because I love you and I trust you. I don't pretend to understand you. But I trust you when you say you're right."

"Can you live with that?"

"Yes, Dawn. I can live with any terms you set. You've been making the rules since the first day I ever met you. I'm used to it by now and you never make unreasonable demands on me. You save them all for yourself and you're kind to me about it. But don't tell Halli she can't hang around Kelly. That would be unreasonable and unkind to both of them."

"Then those are my terms. My legacy, even. Women of the new millennium don't need to parade themselves around the stage for the world to admire. Let everybody be their own role models. They don't need me to do it for them and they certainly aren't getting Tamara Shannon. Not yet. Not today. Are we clear?"

"Yes Ma'am."

"Billy, you know you really don't have to be anonymous. You could become as famous as Kelly intends to be and it won't screw anything up. Really. All I need is a clean environment for Halli. So if you became a famous scientist or artist or writer or fashion photographer it wouldn't mess me up any."

"Then it's ironic that you managed to find the one form of fame that would screw you up. Like a moth to a flame."

"So what did you wanna be when you were growing up? A ski instructor?"

"I always wanted to be a rock star. Or at least I wanted to party like a rock star."

"And?"

"I fell into the wrong hole at the wrong time and ended up in computer science. It was the money. I figured to make as much as I could in the shortest period of time possible and then become a ski bum. Mission accomplished. I never figured on becoming a family man. It puts a whole new perspective on how I spend my time."

"What would you have done differently if you knew you'd end up where you're at now?"

"I'd have become a psychologist."

"Really? I can see that! Don't tell me let me guess! A couples therapist!"

"I'm more fascinated with love and human attraction than I am with machines or computers or sports or money or anything else. Mom's the same way so I guess it runs in the family."

"Anything else? Since we're sitting here fantasizing, is there anything else you would have liked to become? If you didn't end up a therapist?"

"An obstetrician. Not a gynocologist mind you. A delivery room doctor. A deliverer of babies. I never considered it until I saw my first delivery. It made me high and I didn't even know the family. I was just there at the time."

"You just happened to be in a delivery room?"

"I was working in the Emergency Room. This couple comes in ready to have their kid and my boss asked them if I could watch. He thought it would be educational."

"And it made you high?"

"It buzzed me to no end. I still think about it. I'll never forget how I felt even before I got there. Just knowing I was gonna watch the birth was a high. I'm pretty sure I could do it all day long. I was there to begin with because I was working on my paramedic curriculum and needed a stint in a level one trauma center so it wasn't like I was completely ignorant of a gravitation to the medical profession. Once I even considered going to nursing school."

"So you never considered medical school? That's kind of surprising."

"No Dawn. I know myself well enough. I knew I would never even get into a medical school much less get out the other side. I just don't have it in me. Doctors are incredibly motivated people. I'm just not that motivated. But if I had done it, I would have become an obstetrician. That's just one of those 'ain't gonna happen' fantasies. As opposed to the 'it could happen' kind of fantasies I spend more of my dream time with."

"Did you ever have 'it could happen' fantasies about being married to Cassie and having conversations with me about raising our children?"

"No. Not ever. It never even crossed my mind. Not until I met Dawn. Then I started having these fantasies all the time. Not that there was much time before it actually happened."

"And if it hadn't happened. Would you still be having the fantasies?" she asked.

"Oh you know it! I would be sitting around the house right now fantasizing. No doubt about it."

"Really. You would spend hours fantasizing about Dawn but not about Cassie. That's flattering, Billy!"

"But when I found out you two were the same person my fantasizing turned to strategizing. One way or another I was going to pursue you. Sure, I was prepared to fail but it wasn't gonna be for lack of trying. And here you were pursuing me. But in a different fashion for a different set of reasons. It still blows my mind. I'm sure it always will."

"Billy, when did you first think you loved me? Dawn that is."

"The first time I thought about it I felt like I'd been in love with you for many years. I didn't know at the time how true that really was. Most people probably don't get to experience true love with the heavy chemicals and an altered mind. But to have it happen twice for the same woman and not even know it has got to be the rarest phenomenon of all. I mean, how many people get to feel that? One in a billion? Like maybe five people alive on the planet? Maybe fewer? And then to have that love reciprocated. If you had never said you love me I would have gotten over it and moved on. I've done it before. But the moment I heard you say it I knew our love was complete. Reciprocated and rare. I'll never get over it now and I would never be able to move on. And then to find out it's the first time for either of us. This isn't just rare, Dawn. It's storybook magic. Not even a credible love story could possibly be this rare. No. This is more like magic. Or maybe even a miracle. Do you see it that way?"

"It's a miracle we get along together. That's the part I find so miraculous. I mean, you could have still been you but completely incompatible with me and even with Halli. That's what I was thinking. I wanted to see your compatibility with my daughter before I made up my mind about me and you. But I failed to account for the fact that she is your daughter and that the compatibility would be instantaneous if not complete. But it was complete as well and then I let myself go. I bathed myself in it and found a warm and wonderful partner I could live with. I was extremely lucky. That's the way I see it."

"So were your passions ignited as well?"

"I told you once. My passions were ignited when Cassie and Billy knew each other. Before you ever knew Dawn existed. So I got you drunk and had your baby. Of course, you already know why I had to get you drunk first. I had no intention at the time of acquiring such a warm and wonderful partner. I didn't think I needed it and wasn't prepared to deal with it. And I didn't think you were either. So I did things the easy way. At least that's what I was thinking at the time."

"Did you think I was in love with Cassie? Be honest."

"I wasn't attuned to love one way or the other. I saw all the lonely and lustful looks in men's eyes every night. I didn't see that look in your eyes so I figured you were dating someone. Or at least getting some. And you sure could exercise control over yourself when I made your nights as hot as I could for you. I never ran across anybody who could do that and still act attracted. So I figured you weren't the one woman type. I figured you for a player. So did I think a player was going to fall in love with a dancer? Cherry thought so. She kept telling me to date you. I would have too. Except you kept making me feel like an immortal goddess instead of a potential girlfriend and I could just see getting you stuck to me like a piece of flypaper."

"And now?"

"You better stick to me or you're in big trouble, buddy. So were you?

"Was I what?"

"In love with Cassie? Be honest."

"I was infatuated beyond words. But I honestly couldn't have told you whether it was love. I wasn't prepared to fall in love in a tittie bar. Not with a dancer on her shift. I could have fallen in love with you outside of work. Like at the beach or at Frank's and my place. Maybe that's why you stood me up the few times I thought we were getting together. Like at the beach. Remember?"

"Sorry." and she said it and smiled just like she had the next time she saw me. "But you were a player, Billy. You just didn't give yourself enough credit. Me and Cherry both knew what you were. Even Frank thought so. But Frank said the women you played with were always from out of town and you'd spend a week at a time with them."

"They weren't players. They were steady girlfriends."

"Back to back? Did they know about each other?"

"Of course they did. I'm not much with secrets. But I was discrete and thoughtful. I even changed the sheets."

"Player."

"Film star."

"Not any more."

"Same here."

"So let's go put our daughter to bed and then make love like pregnant married people."

"As long as we don't have to watch TV afterwards."

We were both laid out on the bed looking at each other for minutes just as if we were watching television. I was looking at her eyes and she was looking at mine. I wanted to tell her about the phone call I'd received and about being cruel and uninnocent and instinctive and unthoughtful. But I figured I'd talk to Sarah about it and get clear on a few things first.

"Well it's the new family man! Riding solo today, Billy?" Sarah asked as I walked into her office. She was already seated and ready to get down to business.

"I have some unfinished business. I know I've got a ton of new stuff to keep us busy for months to come. Halli and Dawn and me. All of us. But there's an issue I need resolved first. I can do it without bothering Halli or Dawn with it."

"Ok."

"It's that woman again. She called me last night before my family came home."

"Oh. Surprised?"

"That's putting it mildly. I was more than surprised. I was harsh. Even cruel. Unsympathetic and unthoughtful. All I did was react. She wanted to hear me say I still love her. And she was crying."

"What do you think she really wanted?"

"Well she's not pregnant. That's the first thing I thought of."

"What did you tell her? Did you tell her you still love her?"

"Yes. I told her that. I also told her I'd never trust her again. Then I took the knife and slipped it through as many ribs as I could until I knew I'd hit her heart. I just kept plunging. For as contrary and confrontational as she can be, she just sat there and took it and kept crying. Somehow it seemed important to her that I know she loved me and cared about me. I didn't have a single kind word for her the entire conversation. Not one. I called her a toxic poison. The kind that required prompt medical attention."

"Does she know you're married now?"

"If she does, then her calling me like she did would have to be the single tackiest piece of manipulation she could think of. I didn't mention it to her. I wanted to deal with her on the merits of our own relationship."

"Would you have acted more receptively if you were still single?"

"I wouldn't have been receptive in any way shape or form until I'd found out what the hell she really wanted. I've spent alot of time and energy getting clean. Getting that poison out of my bloodstream. I don't trust her and I'll never trust her. Why would my being single change any of that?"

"And yet you're sure you still love her."

"I've still got some form of strong and extreme emotional investment. If I didn't, we would have had a pleasant and trivial conversation. The kind she feels comfortable with."

"Billy. Hurt and resentment and even vengence are legitimate emotions in their own right. They don't require love to stand on their own. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"That I don't love her anymore but I'd still be willing to lash out and destroy? Even in the absence of love?"

"Do you believe that? Do you think it's possible?"

"I guess. All my positive memories of being in love with her have been replaced by my feelings about Dawn. The only memories I retain are the hurtful ones. The only feelings I still harbor are ill-will and resentment. I don't guess that's love."

"Do you think you're capable of loving two women at the same time? I'm not asking you if you think it's possible. I'm asking you if you think you're capable."

"No. I don't. Not the way I love."

"And you love Dawn?"

"More than I've ever loved anyone else. It's redefined how I perceive love."

"Then you're not still in love with this other woman?"

"No. I guess I'm not. I guess somewhere along the line I fell out of love. And I fell into vengeance. I guess I'd been thinking they were related emotions."

"Oh but they are. They're just not equivalent emotions."

"So one day I'll fall out of hate with her and then she'll be a dead husk waiting to decay and blow away. Out of my mind completely."

"Colorful, Billy. Or else something in her memories will inspire you to maintain and even treasure the experience. Like you used to. Until last night."

"Sarah. I don't have to tell you how much she changed me forever. But after last night I think I've changed her too. Finally. But she doesn't hold a candle to Dawn. Now if the residual bad taste can go away I'll just get on with my life and go about my business. Being a husband and a father. But I could have done without the whole sad and sorry experience. It's like I've lost my innocence just knowing I could feel this way about somebody. Nobody needs to feel this way about anybody."

"But these are the cards you've been dealt. You've made the most of them in your own optimistic way. You were hard on yourself and then you were hard on her. Oh well."

"Time to move on?"

"If that's what you're inclined to do." she said. "You've always been big on addressing your feelings. Especially your feelings of love. Now you can decide if you're just as big on it when there's something darker."

"And if I am?"

"Yeah? What if?" she asked.

"I was big into building little shrines to love. Even lost or unmaterialized love. I'm not building any little temples of hate. Maybe I'll build little ovens instead. Places I can burn the hate safely. Then when it's all consumed and vaporized I can dismantle the oven and turn it into a planter. And grow wildflowers."

"Have you talked to Dawn about any of this?"

"No. I wanted to get it clear in my head first."

"And then?"

"Then I'd like to talk to her about it. Because she's my friend and she lives with me. Not because she's my wife."

"What if you didn't talk to her about it?"

"If I never got angry there wouldn't be a problem. But the next time I get angry I run the risk of unleashing the wrong anger at the wrong person. Sooner or later she'd pick up on it anyway."

"So you're concerned that your residual anger could be a problem in your current relationship?"

"Yes. That's my concern."

"Have you ever talked about this woman with her?"

"Sure. I told her that this woman is one reason I even visit you in the first place. But it was always in the context of lost love and a woman who dumped me. In other words, my victimization. I've never painted her a picture of a cruel and vindictive me. I never even saw it in myself until last night."

"But you weren't reluctant to discuss your having loved another woman?"

"Of course not. Besides, this is Cassandra Hallidey. I hardly think she's the jealous type. But I won't push my luck with her if that's what you're getting at. And you know what? She won't admit it but I suspect she's giving up her film career to save me the jealous head trip. Even though I encouraged her not to. She's doing it anyway. And using Halli as her excuse. She doesn't really need to, but I'd probably do the same thing."

"Go on. Continue." as if she knew there was more.

"I just couldn't figure out why a self-produced adult movie star would go to the trouble of making one last film, with Kelly Stone no less, make me watch it, and then pull the plug. Not just on the film, but on her whole career. I couldn't figure it out. And any explanation she gave me didn't make any sense. Now it makes sense. I think she staged the whole thing just to gauge my reaction and then decide whether or not to stay in the business. I kept asking her about it but now I think I'll drop the whole thing and never mention it again. The more I understand her, the more I realize just how smooth she really is. As long as she's got my best interests at heart I'm one of the most protected men in the world. It's like having my own Secret Service. But she'll never admit it. She'll just do it."

"How did you feel about seeing the film?"

"That's probably what scared her. I thought it was absorbing. Engrossing. Compelling. It was a top-notch piece of artwork. Maybe the best I've ever seen. Not that I've seen that many. She's concerned about me losing my innocence. I think she saw a direct path right then and there and foresaw the loss. Then she forestalled it the one fastest way she knew how. And she did it within an hour of marrying me. She'll never admit any of this. And her explanations are like red herrings that draw me as far away from this line of reasoning as she can get. But it's so subtle that if she thinks I can still reach these conclusions then she's giving me an awful lot of credit. I mean, me being a guy and all. It's like she thinks if I knew the truth I'd have to admit to myself how weak and vulnerable I really am. And she's too protective to do the revealing."

"Innocent. Not weak and vulnerable. Innocent. And that's your vulnerability. That much she's already told you. You just said so."

"Well then. If she's that strong and that effective in protecting me, maybe I can save her some additional hassle and just drop this whole 'I hate this other woman' thing until I need to bring it up. It's not like we can't find anything else to talk about. We yack and yack like a coupla women almost every chance we get. It's kinda funny."

"Have you ever gotten angry with her? Or angry around her?"

"No. Not yet."

"Then when you do, just be aware of the source of that anger and double check your little oven. Is that acceptable?"

"Sure. That sounds like a plan."

"Have you reached an acceptable place with this other woman issue?"

"Yeah. I'm fine with it."

"Do you intend on ever making contact with her? Like ever?"

"Not if I can help it. It'll happen one day. I know it will. But it won't be because I went out and made it happen."

"If that day ever comes, would you prefer to be with Dawn or alone?"

"I'd prefer to be with Dawn. I don't know why. It just came to mind quickly and naturally."

"If she's the smooth operator you say she is, she'll handle herself just fine. And you will too. She makes a good partner for you."

"Yeah! She also makes a great mother for Halli. And in about seven months she'll make a great mother for yet another one. I can't wait! I'm gonna get to be around for this one. Right from the beginning."

"See you next time, Billy. Have fun with your family and tell them both I said hello. Bring Dawn the next time if you'd like."

"Sure. Thanks!"

Then I went to the store and bought stuff for dinner. And flowers. I bought giant round blue flowers that I can barely pronounce much less spell correctly and placed them by the chair where Dawn normally sits. I took a single bloom and put it on her pillow. I got Halli a chocolate rose blossom.

There was a knock at the door but it was too early for either Dawn or Halli to be coming home. I answered it and there was a delivery man holding a vase with a giant stand of peace lillies. I took it and tipped him and he was gone. I brought the collection of plants inside and found a note. All it said was "Peace, Billy. With Love from Back East." I authentically just wanted to cry. I wasn't feeling my anger or vengeance or hurt. I was feeling the loss of a friend.

So I called her.

"Hi it's Billy Shannon. The one from Colorado."

"Peace, Billy."

"I just got my peace lillies. You called me last night to say you're sorry. Now it's my turn. Is that OK?"

"It's OK if you're really sorry. Are you?"

"I'm deeply sorry. And embarrassed. I've never attacked anyone I ever cared about the way I tried to hurt you last night and I'm embarrassed and sorry. And I appreciate your thinking enough of me to send me lillies. So what are you up to these days?"

"I'm busy with work and school and becoming a doctor. Nothing's really changed. And yet everything's changed."

"How so?"

"Everything you said was right. You didn't know how right."

"Yeah? Like how?"

"My ex-husband killed himself last week. He did it right in front of your condo in Virginia. He took a mountain bike and ran straight down the ski slope in front of your place and hit a tree head on."

"I'm so sorry. I really am."

"Billy, he had a note in his pocket. He said pretty much the same things you told me last night. It's scary how much your words sounded like his. Like you guys got together and talked about it. Billy. Did you?"

"No. I never met him. Were you guys dating again or seeing each other?"

"No! He was dating my next door neighbor. I thought they really liked each other." Good god how could this smart a woman be so incredibly blind.

"Your ex-husband was a psychiatrist, right?"

"Actually he was a neurologist."

"Why did he do it at my place? Was there supposed to be a connection?"

"Yes Billy. There was. He knew I'd stopped seeing you. Because we'd talked about it. And in his note he talked to you directly."

"Oh? What did he say?"

"He said, 'You try living with the pain. I can't do it anymore.' Those are his exact words. I've had the chance to memorize them."

"Why did he single me out? You've been seeing other guys before me and after me. Why would he extract his measure of guilt from me? Or were there others in his note?"

"Billy. He chose you because he knew I loved you and I think he felt sorrier for you than the others. That doesn't make me feel very good. He was telling you I'd kill you too. It's ironic that you'd been so quick to figure that out. More than ironic. It's like you managed to resurrect yourself before you were even dead. Do I do that to the men I love? Do I kill them?" Yeah. you're like a loaded gun in the hands of children.

"Not unless you pull the trigger. You didn't do this. He did. And you think we might have gotten together and compared notes." I only wish we had. He'd still be alive.

"Am I that dangerous, Billy?"

"Probably not. Not like you think. And I'll tell you why. He was your ex-husband and you lived with him for what, three years? Most of your potential partners won't stay with you that long, given the level of intimacy most people expect in a relationship. You're just not that receptive to deeper levels of closeness. I'm sorry but you're not. Anybody you end up with is either going to move on once they figure out you can't deliver, or they'll feel comfortable knowing they don't have to share much of themselves. In the latter case, you won't find these cementheads with wooden hearts very willing to kill themselves over a lowgrade romance with you. I'm sorry, but until you grow up I seriously doubt you'll really have the chance to kill any grownups. The only people you'll end up killing are the other kiddies. Now is that dangerous? You bet it is! But children shouldn't play with guns. Their parents should have the good sense to keep them locked in a safe place. "

"Well you're pretty consoling. You know that?"

"I'm not your therapist. I'm your ex-boyfriend. I'm not even your most recent ex-boyfriend. I can tell you things your therapist can only wish he or she could tell you. I'm not constrained. But I can still be concerned. Above all, I can still be honest. It's my strong point."

"So you're telling me I need to grow up?"

"I'm not telling you that you need to do anything at all. You can't hurt me because I'm a grownup now and I live about seven states away from you. Even if I lived next door right now you'd be hardpressed to do me any damage. I can only damage myself at this point. But you can relax. I'm not going to kill myself."

"But I did hurt you, Billy. I can recognize the pain I put you through. How did you resurrect yourself, sweetheart? How did you do it?"

"That's an easy one. I did it through optimism. I did it in one word. Optimism." My close friends and family call me Becky but since you're neither one, you can call me Billy.

"You mean like leaving yourself open and vulnerable again and again?"

"Yep. That's exactly what I do. And the deeper and more meaningful the relationship the more open and vulnerable I stand. That's what you never understood about me. In fact, that's what turned you off to me. That a man would be willing to share himself at the point of a naked sword and hold it to his heart and declare himself open to you. It's just not your scene. It's reserved for special people. People who have grown up. And in the pains of growth I might add. You don't just sit around and wait to be twentyone. You go out and explore your surroundings. And you learn from every prickly growth that draws some blood. Of course, nobody says you have to do any of this. You can sit around with your head up your ass like so many of the busy people in your profession, and you can end up with wrecked marriages and devastating love affairs, but you'll never cheat the process. You'll never find yourself in a growing relationship by accident. Any more than you can grab some schmuck off the street and toss him in an operating room and expect that he just might happen to know what he's doing. Or she in your case. And that's exactly what I did with you. I tossed you right into the center of my world of expectations and thought you could just start operating. Not to mention you were probably ten years too young to be doing anything constructive around my heart."

"Billy, am I that fucked up?"

"I dunno. You tell me. You'll make a great doctor but you'll be a shitty wife. Get your priorities in order and then answer your own question. It all depends on what you're looking for out of life. But in a trivially superficial way, you'll be perceived as a classic woman of the new millennium."

"I keep hearing that term. Where have I seen it? Oh yeah! It's on a magazine cover in the bathroom at work!"

"Do you like to take nice long craps? Open it up and read the cover story. I just know you'll call me right after you finish."

"OK Billy I'll do that. You always made sense when you weren't making any sense."

"Listen, I gotta go. Call me, OK?"

"I promise. Really. I'll call you."

"Bye. And thanks for my peace lillies."

"Bye Billy."

Finally! Finally somebody even more clueless than me! By god that conversation had a quality of resurrection all its own! I sincerely hoped she would find her way to the resurrected. But it would take ages more time and attention than I figured she could afford to spend on it unless she woke up one day and realized just how dead she really was.

Dawn and Halli came home looking like shiny bright bookends. A tall one and a small one. Dawn had taken Halli shopping at the outlet mall and they found big and little versions of the same copper metallic silk dresses. But they accessorized differently each according to their tastes. Dawn had gone for a silver and chrome look. Halli went for Southwestern. In fact, she looked an awful lot like a half-scale Amanda at a celebrity cocktail party. Dawn looked more like she was on her way to an inauguration. Both of them ran toward me and wanted hugs and kisses.

"Hey, girls! I'm kinda underdressed here. Am I gonna hafta shave my legs?" I said.

"Daddy! Lookit what I got for Erik's birthday party! Mommy got it for me!"

"Mommy looks as beautiful as you do, sweetheart!"

"Isn't she fabulous! She looks like a movie star!"

"Wow! I want one! Can I have my own movie star? Can I can I, huh, please?" I asked but not as pleading as to piss Halli off.

"You have to eat all your dinner first, dear. Then you can have your own movie star." Dawn admonished in a matronly tone and patted me on the head.

"OK. Gimme ten minutes and then dinner is served. You two can sit down and relax. I know how tiring shopping must be especially after working all day."

"Daddy, I'm gonna go call Erik! I'll be back in a little while."

"OK but if he's eating dinner you have to get off the phone." I said.

"OK Daddy!" and she was off.

"Oh Billy! These are lovely! Are they for me?"

"Take your contacts out and stand next to them. I think they're the same color as your eyes."

"Cool! These are beautiful! Where did you find them?"

"In the grocery store. I was hoping you'd like them."

"I love them! I love you too Billy! Thanks!" They really did look like her eyes. It was stunning. I knew she'd like them. "Hey! Where'd the peace lillies come from? These things are magnificent!"

"I got them from a friend back east. It was a peace offering from a quarreling sibling, you might say."

"Cool! Do you want me to water and mist them for you?"

"Sure. Go for it. But water me too. I want a big wet one."

Then she jumped up and clung onto me. Her dress was so loose she could get her legs around my waist without hearing anything rip. Between her arms around my shoulders and her legs around my waist and her face well glued to mine, I was getting my desired share of her affection. I walked us over to the sofa and plowed down on top of her.

"You guys sure know how to accessorize."

"We sure do! Look at the guy we got! I had to shop around first. It wasn't easy."

"Wanna like, go in the bathroom and fool around before dinner?"

"Halli! Me and Daddy are gonna go take a shower! We'll be back in a little while!" but Halli was engaged in her phone conversation and completely ignored us.

"Does clinical work make you all hot and bothered?"

"No dummy! You do! Buy me fresh flowers every night and I'll do you every time I come home. I promise, baby."

"OK. You got yourself a deal. Are we really getting in the shower together?"

"No Daddy! We're running the water so I can scream without making Halli wonder what the hell you're doing to me. It was in one of my movies. I sure hope she hasn't seen that one."

"Oh yeah? What's it called?"

"Bathroom Beauty."

"No way!"

"OK. It was called Misty in Hawaii. Really. That was the name of it. We sold around two hundred thousand copies."

"That's alotta Misty, Misty. Did you do it in the shower?"

"I kinda more like did it with the shower. Like this. Here. Take your clothes off."

When we got out of the bathroom Halli was still on the phone. I whispered into Dawn's wet ear, "You know when our daughter's growing up, Dawn? It's when she spends more time on the phone with her boyfriend than her parents do in the bathroom doing it with the showerhead. That's when you know she's growing up."

"We can go back and do it again, you know."

"Should we? Do you think Erik's parents would mind?"

"That's between Erik and his parents. Erik certainly doesn't seem to mind."

"Wanna invite them all over for dinner sometime? I wanna see them together. The little ones, I mean."

"Sure, Billy. That's a great idea. They're cool people. I'm sure you'll really like them. Erik's dad is an archeologist. He digs up native American artifacts for the Utes. He works for the tribal council."

"Cool! Let's go back in the bathroom. Halli looks busy."

"OK. Thanks again for the flowers, Billy. They really turn me on."

"Any time, Misty. When you said you'd mist, I didn't exactly know what you were talking about. I'm more educated now. I be a smarter haoliboy."

"You a haoliman bro. Now do me again before dinner and I'll fix you dessert."

"Well at least we're both gonna be squeaky clean by the time we eat."