Chapter VI (The Resurrected - A love story by Billy Shaw)

Dawn and Halli and I sat in Sarah's office on a sofa facing the chair in which Sarah sat. Halli looked scared. Like she was going to the doctor.

"Congratulations, newlyweds!" Sarah offered.

"Thanks, Sarah." I said. "It was a desert wedding. A double desert wedding. Our friends Kelly and Chris married each other too."

"Dawn, have you ever been married before?" Sarah asked turning to my wife.

"No, Sarah. This is my first visit to the hallowed cactus."

"Tamara, do you know what getting married is all about?" Sarah asked.

"It's about making a family." she said without hesitation.

"Do you like your new family, Tamara?"

"You can call me Halli, OK?"

"OK Halli. I'd like that."

"I love my family. I love my mommy and my daddy. They're the best family in the whole world!" she replied to Sarah's question.

"So far there's a mommy and a daddy and a big girl named Halli. Would you like to have a little brother or sister?" Sarah asked.

"Oh yes! Mommy says I can have one when I'm in the third grade. I'm in the second grade now."

"Do you like school, Halli?"

"Yes Sarah. I love school."

"What do you love about it?"

"I love my friends. I want everybody to be friends." Halli said.

"And loved?" Sarah asked.

"Just like our family. I want everybody to love each other like one big family."

"One big family... Who's the mommy and daddy, Halli?"

"I am. I'm the mommy. And Billy's the daddy." she said.

"Are you and Billy married?" Sarah asked.

Halli thought about it a minute and looked at Dawn. "No. Billy doesn't know yet. Nobody's told him." the little girl said.

"Well he's right here. You can tell him now if you'd like." Sarah said.

"No. I want all the kids to tell him themselves. Like I did."

"But Halli. All those kids in your big family have their own mommies and daddies. They have little families just like you do." Sarah told her.

"No Sarah. I mean the big family. You know, the people who know about you. The ones who know your name."

"So people who know your name are part of your big family?" Sarah asked.

"Right."

"And you're the mommy?"

"Uh huh."

"So Halli. Do you love your mommy alot?"

"Oh yeah! I love my mommy more than all my other mommies."

"Do you have alot of other mommies, Halli?"

"Sometimes. I find them in magazines. I know their names."

"So if you were in a magazine, people would know your name?" Sarah asked.

"Of course. And then I'd be the mommy." Halli answered.

"And what would happen if you aren't in a magazine, Halli? And the only people who know you are your family and friends at school. Would that be OK?"

"No that wouldn't be OK, Sarah."

"Why not?"

"It just wouldn't."

"Being a mommy is a pretty big job. Tell me what you do as a mommy, Halli."

"You love everybody. And you love Daddy."

"Anything else?"

"I dunno. Is there anything else, Mommy?" Halli asked Dawn.

"Dawn?" Sarah asked.

"Huh?" Dawn managed in reply as if she were being pulled out of a trance.

"Mommy, what do mommies do besides love me and Daddy?" Halli asked.

"What?" Dawn said.

"What do mommies do besides love me and Daddy?" Halli asked simply and intently.

"Mommies go to the store and buy food, sweetheart. Then mommies cook it. Then mommies make sure their little girls have warm and cozy beds to fall asleep in. And mommies go to work so that there's money to go to the store with."

"Do we have money, Mommy? To go to the store with?"

"Yes, sweetheart. We have some money."

"I wanna go to work, Mommy. I want to go to work too. Just like you."

"And one day you will, Tam. But you're going to grow up first. Then you can go to work. All you want. But you're going to grow up first, sweetheart."

"Why Mommy? Why can't I go to work now?"

"Because you already have a job. Your job is to finish the second grade. And then finish the third grade. And then finish all the other grades. Then you can get into every magazine you want. Every last one of them."

"I wanna do it now, Mommy. How come I can't do it now?"

"Because I'm your mother and I say so. When you're grown up like Kelly then you can do it all you want. Maybe she'll even help you."

"No Mommy. I want to do it now."

"I don't think so."

"Now Mommy!"

"No!"

Halli sat there and pouted in silence for a coupla seconds and then burst into tears. She reached up to me and waited for me to hold her.

Sarah looked at me with raised eyes. "Billy?" she asked as if that were the question.

"Well that's it in a nutshell." I said. "Halli's not happy being unfamous and Dawn's not happy being famous. Both of them want to strip their beds and make them up differently. Maybe they should trade beds. I know they will sooner or later. We're just trying to hash out the sooner part."

"Dawn. Is that right?" Sarah asked.

Dawn sat and thought a moment. "Tamara will never sleep in my bed. She can choose her own bed and then make it up to her satisfaction. And when she's tired of that bed she can go find another one to sleep in."

"OK. And what about you? Are you looking for another bed to sleep in?" Sarah asked.

Dawn sat and thought again in silence. "Yes." she said very softly.

"Oh?"

"Yes." she repeated.

"A different bed? A new one?"

"Yes."

"What kind of bed, Dawn?"

"Billy's bed. I want to sleep in the bed Billy's made."

"But you already do, Dawn." I said.

"No. You're sleeping in my bed, Billy. I want us both to sleep in yours."

"Well let's go pick out a new bed, Dawn. Big enough for you and me together. We can make it up together and then lay down on it together. It'll be ours. Not mine. We can do that." I said.

"I want more than a new bed." she added.

"OK. A new condo? A new house?" I asked.

"I want a new boat." she said.

"Oh?" Sarah offered.

"Billy knows what I mean. I want a sailboat. Without an oven. If we need to cook anything we can ask Kelly to do it for us."

"Are you sure, Dawn? Are you really sure about this?" I asked her intently.

"No I'm not sure about this. But it's what I think I need to be doing."

"Pardon moi, Ms. Hallidey. But you picked one heck of a time to retire. Do you want the video uh, rescinded?" I asked.

"Yes."

"OK. It'll be the most anticipated video to ever not be released. You win either way. Sounds good. What else do you require? Remember, we're making a bed here. Need sheets?" I asked.

"Nice pun, Mr. Shannon. Remember, I've been around sailboats before." she said. "Yes, there's more. I want to be called Dawn Shannon and that goes for Tamara too."

"That's flattering, Dawn. I'm happy to oblige you my anonymity. Wear it in good health." I said wondering if it sounded facetious or sincere.

"Halli Shannon?! Mommy. I'm not a Hallidey anymore?" Halli asked truly concerned.

"Yes you're a Hallidey, sweetheart. But in third grade you're Tamara Shannon. Your mommy got married and your last name got changed. It happens all the time. Your friends won't think twice about it."

"But Mommy! How are people gonna know I'm Tamara Hallidey?"

"They won't unless you tell them. Just like the people who call you Halli. They're the people who'll know you're Tamara Hallidey."

"But Mommy! They won't love me anymore! Who wants to love Tamara Shannon?! It's not fair!" and she started to cry again.

"Halli." I whispered to her. "People don't love you because of your last name. They love you because of your first name. Your first name is who you are. Your last name is who your parents are."

"Uh uh, Daddy! Mommy's Cassandra Hallidey and you're Billy Hallidey!" she protested.

"No Halli. I'm Billy Shannon and your mommy's Dawn Shannon. She just said so. It was her choice to make and she made it. You're Tamara Shannon and you can tell your friends your mommy's Dawn Shannon. Am I making sense here, daughter?"

"No you're not! You just don't want anybody to love me! Nobody loved you until we found you and now nobody's going to love us either and there's nobody left to find us! Mommy make Daddy stop! Make him stop! Please?!"

"Halli." I said. "Do you remember what Kelly told you in the hot tub the first time you invited her over? Do you remember?"

"Uh, yes." she said with a sniffle.

"What did she say? Can you tell me?" I asked.

"She told me you and Mommy were beautiful angels."

"And that you are too. Right?"

"Uh huh. I guess."

"Do you think she was right?"

"I guess so. Kelly's always right."

"Well this time at least. A beautiful angel is a beautiful angel. I'm not even sure they have last names. If they do, nobody knows what they are. Mostly we know them because they come to us as our friends. That's how we come to love our beautiful angels. We don't choose them out of magazines. They come to us."

"But Daddy. Isn't Kelly a beautiful angel too?" she asked.

"Kelly is Kelly. She's not Halli. Halli is Halli."

"Daddy. When I grow up can I snowboard like Kelly?"

"When you grow up you can snowboard like Halli. I'll even teach you if you want me to."

"Cool! Can we do it now? Will I be better than Kelly?"

"What do you mean by better than Kelly, Halli?" I asked.

"You know, like could I beat her?" she asked in return.

"It's snowboarding, Halli. Nobody ever really beats each other. Everybody takes turns looking stylish and getting photographed. It's kinda like a family thing."

"But we don't do that on the race team, Daddy. We beat each other."

"Well if you're looking to beat people, maybe you should stay on the race team and ski yourself to number one. That's one thing Kelly doesn't do. You know how to ski and Kelly's never been on skis in her life. Kelly can't ski. She's a snowboarder. But you ski. And you're really good at it. I'll bet you end up beating lotsa people."

"But I won't beat Kelly because she doesn't ski." she said.

"Right."

"I'd rather ski and beat people. And then people will love me. Right Daddy?"

"People will always love you, Halli. Some people. They're the ones who know you. Not your name. You. The ones who don't know you might love what you've done. But they won't love you. They'll love what you've done. Like being the fastest skier and beating all the other skiers. But that's not loving you. That's loving skiing."

"But people love Kelly. Do they all love snowboarding?" she asked.

"Some do. But they all like something Kelly's doing. Nobody who doesn't actually know Kelly can really love Kelly. Just like nobody who doesn't actually know Halli can really love you. They might know about Tamara but they don't really know Halli. Does that make sense to you?" I asked.

"So should everybody call me Halli, Daddy?"

"Halli and Tamara are both good names. People call you Halli because you yourself asked them to. Special people close to you who you asked to call you Halli. You asked me first. Then Mommy asked you if she could call you that. Then you asked Kelly to call you that. These people loved you as Tamara. Calling you Halli didn't make them love you any more than that. It's a nickname. People love you because of you. Not because of your nickname."

"But why? Why do they love me Daddy?"

"They isn't me, sweetheart. Are you asking me why I love you?"

"Oh I know why you love me Daddy. And I know why Mommy loves me."

"Really?" Dawn asked. "You know why Daddy and I love you?"

"Sure. You love me because you know who I am." she said.

"We love you because we made you. We're your parents. Your mommy and daddy." Dawn said. "We're making another child, Halli. And you can love it too. Because you're its older sister. Only one person in the world can give it that kind of love. Because there's only one of you."

"But there's three of us, Mommy. It'll be way more loved than I was."

I turned to Sarah. "Well, I'm over my head. Help me out here."

"Halli. Do you love your new grandmother Amanda?" Sarah asked.

"Yeah! I love her alot."

"What was the first thing you ever said to her? Do you remember?"

"I told her that we love Billy very much."

"And?"

"As much as she loved him."

"You said Billy was unloved until you found him. Do you remember saying that?"

"Uh huh."

"But he was loved. Amanda loves him. Is that right?"

"Uh, I guess. But now he has more love."

"He sure does. But he always had love because Amanda loves him. Is that right?"

"I suppose. She is his mommy."

"And what do mommies do?" Sarah asked.

"They go to the store and buy dinner. And love Daddy." Halli answered.

"No Halli." I said. "Mommies always love their children. Like your mommy loves you. Amanda doesn't love my daddy. She goes to the store and buys dinner but she doesn't love my daddy."

"She doesn't?" Halli asked. "You mean, you and Mommy might not always love each other? Really?"

"I will always love your mother. That's just the way I am." I said.

"Because you know who she is?"

"Because I know I love her. Maybe I could know who she is and still not love her. But I love her. Not because I know who she is. I love her because I love her. That's a hard thing to understand in any grade, Halli. I didn't understand it in the second grade and I didn't understand it in high school. I don't understand it now but I can live with it."

"I don't understand."

"Well, me neither."

"Will Amanda stop loving you, Daddy? Will she?"

"No Halli. Amanda will always love me because I'm her child. Her son. Just like you're our child. Our daughter. We love you for being our beautiful little angel daughter." I said.

"Do you like coming to visit, Halli?" Sarah asked.

"Yes Sarah. Can I come back?"

"That would be great, Halli."

"Can I bring my parents?"

"Sometimes. Sometimes it can be just you and me. Is that OK?"

"Is it OK Daddy?" she asked me.

"Sounds great, sweetheart. Dawn?"

"Sometimes, Halli, you can come with just your mom if you want." Sarah told her.

That night Dawn and I sat in the hot tub and talked about our daughter, who was asleep upstairs.

"Thanks for taking Halli and me to meet Sarah, Billy."

"Do you think they'll be seeing alot of each other?" I asked gingerly.

"I guess, huh? I never knew how my little girl sees the world. It frightens me and makes me want to make changes."

"You are making changes, Dawn. Big changes for you and Halli both."

"How can a little girl be so screwed up about love? It doesn't make any sense." Dawn said.

"Sure it does. It makes plenty of sense. If you're Halli." I said. "She thinks everything she said today makes plenty of sense to all of us. But most of all to you."

"But I never talked to her about being well-known and being loved by people I've never met. I just don't think that way."

"Halli has an emerging attitude about life. It's not what I would personally consider a healthy one for me but I'm not Halli. And I'm not inclined to indulge it for her. But you knew that already and now I think you're doing the right thing with it all. But sacrificing your career can't possibly be for her benefit. It won't change her and it won't protect her. Are you thinking that it will?"

"I don't know what I'm thinking. But I'm not taking any chances. With any of us. None of us needs the hassles. Tamara's head is getting screwed up. My head is getting screwed up. And I don't need your head any more screwed up than it already is. I mean, you were going to Sarah before you married the pornqueen with Marilyn Monroe for a daughter. None of this can be doing your head any good."

"Well then. Let's just take a good look at what's screwing everybody up and decide what we're gonna do about it. OK?"

"OK."

"First off, you've decided to trade your place in the oven for a place in the closet. That's plenty different than what you were saying when you moved out of employee housing and into my place. That's gotta be screwing with your head."

"So what are you saying?" Dawn asked.

"I'm saying that you were all into Halli's trip until you saw Halli trying to do it. What happened in your head, Dawn? You were so into it. Certainly more so than Halli. You were all too happy to burn the closet. With Halli by your side. Then all of a sudden, you're dragging you and Halli back in the closet and shutting the door good and tight. Help me understand that. What's that all about?"

"Didn't you see how people tried to take advantage of my little girl? These were adults. Even our friends. I put Tamara in a vulnerable position and it didn't take more than a day for it to start happening. One goddamned day!"

"OK. So she's protected against evil outside forces in the relative obscurity of being a Shannon. With an incognito mother and a nobody father. That doesn't protect her from within. Any more than it protected you. You managed to clear your cacoon and take your wings out for a spin. She'll figure out how to do the same thing."

"I don't have a problem with that. I have a problem with tossing the whole cacoon up in the air with her in it and expecting it to fly."

"I hear you. I do, Dawn. I understand what you're saying."

"I have a problem with painting wings onto the outside of her cacoon and calling it a butterfly."

"And you're thinking that none of this would have happened if... What's the if, Dawn? What would you have done differently?"

"I don't know. I'm thinking."

"Do you regret your association with Kelly?"

"No. Well maybe. Probably."

"I think I'm beginning to understand. Cassandra Hallidey was a lowgrade notoriety you were capable of managing, especially where your daughter was concerned. But Kelly Stone represents pure unbridled fame. The kind that can blow up in your face and catapult you and those around you in ways you can't necessarily manage. It's already started with Halli and your management skills are useless once she hooks up the way Kelly did."

"So you're saying I'm losing control?"

"Not necessarily. I think you're facing a loss of control and it's unacceptable to you as a mother. Nobody can fault you for hopping out of the oven to assume more control of your life and Halli's life. But it needs to be more than a noble gesture. Sacrificing your career and your aspirations and things you like doing is not going to necessarily give you back your control."

"Well what would, then? How do I regain control, Billy? How do I do it?"

"You're pretty used to living your life on your own terms. I'd stick with that strategy. It seems to work well for you."

"And then what? What would you do if you were me, Billy?"

"I'd do whatever the hell I felt like doing."

"And not do whatever the hell I don't feel like doing?"

"Sure. Why not?"

"Because life just doesn't work like that, Billy. It doesn't. Here I am fighting the world on behalf of my daughter and I'm not doing it because I feel like doing it."

"You're not fighting the world on behalf of your daughter. You're fighting your daughter on behalf of your daughter. Isn't that what mommies do? You could just as easily be fighting her for less time in front of the television like other mommies do. But you're fighting her for her share of a normal childhood, if I understand the issues correctly. Do I? Am I understanding the issues here?"

"You're clear. We're both clear. We're fighting for Tamara's share of innocence. Gawd I can't believe I just said that. I'm sounding more and more like you, Billy!"

"Fighting for innocence. An interesting phrase."

"The innocent don't fight for themselves. If they could, they wouldn't be innocent."

"So you're frightened for the day Halli loses that innocence and starts fighting for herself?"

"I guess I am. I'm frightened for the day you lose yours as well."

"You want Halli to be as innocent as I am?!"

"That would be the best I could hope for. You're the most innocent adult male I've ever met. Way more innocent than you know. Really."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Then what aren't you telling me, Dawn? What else is there that I don't know about? How much more of you am I clueless to?"

"No more surprises, Billy. You're not clueless. I said you're innocent. You were never clueless. You were simply denied. And I'm not denying you anything. Anymore. I promised you that. And I mean it. I want Halli to be innocent. Not clueless."

"No, I'm clueless. I really am. I go through life and everybody else knows more about everything than I do."

"That's everybody, Billy. Everybody feels that way. You just do it with a different style than most people. I think you do it as an expression of your innocence. That's the way I want Halli to be. For that she needs role models."

"I get it! I finally understand! You're looking to reclaim your innocence! You're trying to get innocent again!"

"Yes Billy. I'm trying to get back to a place I haven't been in a long time. A real long time. I want to be there again. I want to be there in the worst way. I see you and Halli together and I see the innocence. In both of you. I want to be there with you, Billy. I need to be there. Why haven't you asked me to give up my career? Why didn't you say something after you saw the video of Kelly and me together? Why, Billy?"

"Because you're the one woman in my life who doesn't need anybody telling you what you should and shouldn't be doing. You're doing just fine without my two cents worth. That's why I love you. I wouldn't have it any other way. No. I won't tell you what to do. I have a hard enough time as it is accepting that I might need to be telling Halli what and what not to do."

"But you're a husband and a father now. You have to tell people what to do."

"Oh no I don't. I can set some limits and express concerns. I can extract punishment if I need to. I can love and share and feel and expect some reciprocation. But I can't be telling people what to do. I won't do it."

"So you're not going to tell me to stop acting?"

"In no way shape or form. I don't even feel comfortable telling Halli she can't pose for fashion magazines. But you're helping me do what we've gotta do. I can deal with it, but I'm just not used to running people's lives. It's not something I wake up in the morning like you do and plan on doing. You've been doing it for seven years. I've been doing it for a coupla weeks. What's it like to get up in the morning and run somebody's else's life?"

"It's like being her umbilical cord to reality until she's old enough to breathe on her own in the cold air of life. It's like being her blanket when she lies in her bed of innocence and sleeps peacefully because I'm there. It's showing her the right lane in a bowling alley and having her roll the ball at pins instead of people."

"But she says you don't make her stop it. You just make her apologize. She asked me about that."

"Oh? What did you tell her?"

"That I understood. Of course, she was already talking like a grown woman and I didn't have the faintest idea what she was talking about."

"Billy, why did you start going to see Sarah? If you don't mind my asking."

"You're my wife. I don't mind you asking me anything."

"Then would you tell me about it?"

"It was a her."

"I know. You've told me before. What was it about her that made you seek professional counseling?"

"I was poisoned. It was like being exposed to hazardous waste in an industrial accident and seeking timely medical attention. It was like standing in line at the grocery store and suffering a coronary. Basically, it was like dieing and seeking help from a resurrectionist. Like visiting God and asking to be reborn. I needed to revisit planet earth. I wasn't finished here."

"But that wasn't so very long ago. When you started seeing me, your heart was whole and sound and healthy. I take it then that she didn't rip it out and smash it underheel. Or if she did, it managed to heal."

"Oh but she did. I let her do it. I had a hole in my chest the size of a grapefruit. But something within me already knew you. I had already given my heart to you and in the end, it wasn't hers to take. You already had it."

"You gave me your heart and then nobody else could take it? That isn't what it sounded like across the wall from you. It sounded to me like you were begging her to take it. So maybe you have more than one heart."

"No. I only have one. It just gets passed around sometimes."

"So why wouldn't she take it? Why wouldn't the woman love you? Didn't you love her?"

"I loved her differently than ever before in my life. I told you. I was poisoned. I met her. I loved her. And then it was over. Like being blinded by a flashbulb when you're sitting there minding your own business and the next thing you know there's a fresh image of the flash burned into your retinas but the camera's pointing at somebody else now and all that's left is the burn. And then you can't see straight and the burn persists and then you go visit the eye doctor."

"And what's your eye doctor say? Is the burn still there? I'm your wife. You can tell me. It won't chase me out of the hot tub." Dawn sat there in rapt fascination.

"The burn's still there, Dawn. It'll go away sometime. But it's still there. I didn't like getting burned. People don't need to be doing that to each other. A simple 'go away, Billy' would have sufficed. But no. She strung me out for months and then did me the silent treatment. And then I called her on it. It's not like I didn't know what she was doing. I've done it before myself and I knew the scene. I just wanted to hear her say it."

"And did she?" Dawn was actually interested! The first person that actually really wanted to hear any of this. The first person who wasn't another dicked-over guy who would simply say see I told you so. Not even Sarah or Amanda seemed as interested as Dawn was.

"She was ill-equipped. She wasn't a Billy kind of person."

"You mean she never said anything?"

"Not to me, no. But she lied to my friends about our relationship. Or lack of one. I still haven't figured that out yet. It wasn't important enough to her to have any contact with me but it was important enough to her to pretend something was there when she talked to my friends. I still don't understand it. She was even more fucked up than I am."

"What was it about her that attracted you? Why did you hook up with her in the first place?"

"I was poisoned. I had levels of toxins in my system beyond the legal limit. I'd never been that drunk before. It was a first. I went with it because it was all so new and strange and pleasant. I was euphoric. I was convinced my life was going to change. And I didn't just make adolescent assumptions. We talked about having children and being together and everything a couple would talk about. Then I got dicked over and that was the end of it."

"Oh?"

"The funny thing, the thing that really cracks me up is that Carl told me right off the bat she was seeing someone else. I told him that wasn't the case. That there were other issues involved. And you know what? Carl was right. He hit the nail right on the head and it took me another three months to find out he was right. Then I had to tell him he was right and it just reinforced his already warped view of women. But he knew he was right. As usual."

"But you didn't get warped, Billy. You came around looking to date me. But you were honest enough about your expectations, warped as they were. You expected me to dick you over too."

"How did you know it wasn't my turn to dick somebody? What made you trust me? I mean, we had this whole conversation the first time we got together. In this very hot tub. What made you trust me?"

"I knew more about you than you realized. Remember, I still didn't know you hadn't recognized me. I thought we were playing a coy game of chicken. And you were so very gentlemanly about it. I mean, you offered to let me rip your heart out. Again."

"So you don't need to ask me why I go visit Sarah."

"Remember the deer I said we killed with a snowmobile? Back in New York? I told you about it the first day we skied together. Remember?"

"Yes."

"It was innocent. An innocent deer. It stood there in the middle of the slope and let us hit it. It just stood there blinded. Blinded and innocent."

"And you're saying I was blinded and innocent?"

"Of course, Billy! An innocent male stands there and gets whacked. A doe with her babies gets the hell out of the way. But the deer only gets to stand there once. You get to stand there over and over again. As long as you're innocent."

"And blinded. And that's the way you perceive men? Innocent and blinded?"

"Only the innocent and blinded ones. You're not blinded anymore. At least not at the moment. But you're sure innocent. I wouldn't have it any other way, Billy. If you weren't, you'd be another scumbag on the street. You'd be dead to yourself even before anybody else realized your body was cold."

"But I never want to be dead to myself. Ever. Not until I'm dead to the rest of the world. That's why I went to Sarah. She kept me alive within myself. And all without love. She did it for a flat hourly rate. But she did it. I guess that's what you call professionally competent."

"Oh? Were you ever attracted to Sarah?"

"Of course. I'm attracted to professional competence. Especially in strong independent adult women."

"Did you ever discuss it with her?"

"Shit no! For the money I'm paying her, I've got other more pressing matters to discuss. Of course, at this point it's hardly an issue, Mrs. Shannon."

"So how could you have your heart ripped out and still be open to the prospects of another relationship? How could you let yourself be so vulnerable?"

"I'm an optimist. I thrive on the prospects. It's worth it to me. But you can dick me over like nobody else ever could. You're my wife. When and if you dick me over I'll be a different person for it. I will truly have lost my innocence. I would be bitter and hurt and dead to myself. You would rip this heart out for good and that would be the end of my optimism."

"Then you'd be like everybody else."

"Perhaps. Or maybe I'd be like one of those civilian war refugees who can look at atrocity after atrocity and people wonder if any of it registers in their brains. Then I could stand in front of a snowmobile and dare it to run me over. I wouldn't be blind but I'd be just as dead. But I'd do it. I'd play chicken with the machine just to see it banged up. Maybe that was this woman's rap in Virginia. She certainly was neither blind nor innocent. Maybe she just wanted to see a man banged up. I can understand that. I just wish it hadn't been me. I'm sorry it has to be anybody."

"How did she lose her own innocence, Billy? Any ideas?"

"Sure. She had a disastrous marriage and then got divorced."

"And all of this was news to you? Was she that compelling?"

"In a word, yes."

"And she did the pursuing, didn't she?"

"I stood there like a deer all blinded and innocent. I never knew what hit me."

"I'm glad you pursued me, Billy. I'm glad I didn't have to run you over with a snowmobile."

"I'm glad too. Wanna know why I did it? Even when I didn't know you were Cassie of my dreams from Florida?"

"Because I was more compelling than that other woman?"

"You know it, Dawn. You're the most compelling woman I've ever met. Twice."

"Twice as compelling?"

"That too. But I was compelled twice. I met you twice, remember? I met you as two different women and I managed to fall in love with both of them. Then I met a third woman, a Cassandra Hallidey."

"And? What was that like?"

"It was like finding out Dawn harbors a secret passion for model railroads or the banjo. By then it was just another facet of a fascinating woman. I've gotta be honest with you, Dawn. I wouldn't have fallen in love with Cassandra Hallidey. I fell in love with Cassie and then I fell in love with Dawn. Lucky for me they were the same woman. But Miss Hallidey would have been too farfetched for this modest heart. I wouldn't have seen you as an attainable woman. Dawn was an attainable woman."

"But Cassie wasn't attainable. And you fell in love with her."

"I spent a year talking with the unattainable Cassie. Naked on my lap. I went home every night with her glitter lotion all over me. And woke up in the morning with the smell all over everything. Me, the sheets, my clothes, my hair. I could smell you everywhere. I can still smell it after ten years. I even wear the same lotion myself when I go snowboarding. I never even knew why until I saw you wearing it one day. I just love the stuff!"

"Billy that's weird."

"Oh get off it! It was your own scene! Your professional competence was to get as much of that shit all over as many men as you could rub in the course of an evening and get paid for it. You wanted every man you met to fall in love with you and keep coming back. Most of the dancers in the place figured every man they met thought they were special men and they'd end up getting laid because they were special. I wasn't any different. But I got hip to the whole scene when I got to know Cherry and her friends better. Why else could I have been so well-behaved around you? I knew what was going on. I never harbored any illusions that you really liked me. And I certainly didn't figure on being your genetic donor. I didn't even know about that until Frank told me recently."

"You banged the hell out of me and don't even remember?! Thanks alot, man."

"No dear. You banged the hell out of me! I laid there dead drunk and then threw up all over Frank's truck. At least according to Frank. I don't really remember. Then Frank ran me and his truck both through the car wash. If I ended up smelling of anything special the next morning, it was soapy detergent and lemon wax. Really. He strapped me to the hood of his truck and ran the both of us through an automatic car wash. That part I remember. I woke up and thought I was surfing!"

"And Frank never said anything? Ever?"

"Not until I called him up and asked him. Almost ten years later."

"Do you hold it against me, Billy? Do you?"

"Fuck yes I hold it against you! What the hell do you think I am?! If I said I didn't hold it against you I'd be an even bigger moron than you thought I was ten years ago!"

"I didn't think you were a moron, Billy. I thought you were a beautiful blind innocent deer. A real stag at that. But I didn't think you were a moron."

"By god I was though. As soon as you started getting me drunk I should have scored some methadrine and stayed sober! I should have remembered making Halli. Really I should have."

"But you remember every other time, don't you?"

"You bet I do! I remember everything about Dawn since the first day I laid eyes on her."

"What was it like to make the connection, Billy? What did you think when you put two and two together?"

"I was beyond poisoned. Beyond euphoric. I was resurrected. Pulled right outa the underworld and thrust into the bright sunlight again. I was woozy and crazy and drunk all over again. I went to bed that night thinking about Dawn and dreamt all night about Cassie. It was weird. I mean, really weird. Then I called Frank up. Got his ass outa bed in the middle of the night. Then you called me and you were sure you'd woken me up. You were certainly right about that. You woke me up alright and I haven't fallen asleep again since. You woke me up and I've managed to stay awake."

"Do you like waking up in the morning next to me? Morning ugly, bad breath and all?"

"You're my Dawn. I wake up next to you and I recognize you even before the morning sunlight hits my eyes. I don't even open them. I hold you and feel your body with my own and I share my morning breath with you the way I'd share simple thoughts with different parts of my brain. You're just that much a part of me."

"You're that much a part of me as well, Billy. But you're the innocent part of me. The part I never really had. What part of you am I, Billy? What part of you didn't you have?"

"I never had the kind of partner I have in you. You aren't a missing piece. You're simply the rest of me I never knew about. We became Us and it makes all the parts of me want to wake up in the morning and spend the day being us. We're a great us, Dawn. I enjoy being us. That's the part I didn't have."

"Oh."

"You're the part of me that says Good morning isn't it great to be together. You're the part of me that says go fix Halli some breakfast. You're the part of me that carries Halli's little sibling around on an umbilical cord until it's ready to breath the cold hard mountain air. You're the part of me that skis better than I do. You're the part of me that says love is attainable if you trust in the process."

"The process?"

"Absolutely. The process. It's the thing that delivers. That makes us who we are. It brings us our loved ones, the ones we're lucky enough to meet in the first place. But we have to believe in it and trust in it. If we don't then it won't deliver and we're left with nothing."

"Were you trusting in the process when you met that woman? The one from Virginia?"

"No Dawn. Quite frankly, I found out about the process when she dumped me. It was then that I started trusting in it. And as I started to connect with it, Amanda shared her own with me. She lives and breathes her own process. As far as she's concerned, it guides and protects her. But hers is practically venerable. Mine is more like a green sapling that whoops me and educates me when I need it. It rewards me when I need it. It's like having parenting angels and you know they won't send you to bed hungry unless it's for your own good. But they sure put on a grand feast when it's your time to indulge."

"Jesus Billy! That's more than optimistic. That's living on Sunnybrook Farm!"

"It's a good place to live, Dawn. It's like living in church without the vengeful acts of a psychotic god. Everything turns out happy. Not necessarily in life. But in love. Everything happens for a purpose. Everything happens for the best. But love is life. And in the end, there's nothing left but the love. It's our reward. It's all we have. It's everything."

"God! It's goddamned genetic! You've passed the gene to Tamara! You're Halli'er than she is!"

"Dawn. Amanda's even Halli'er than she is. It's most likely a girl gene. Guys probably get it by accident."

"And when they do, they call it Billy!"

"And smart women marry the carriers. Then they make cool children. The coolest. The ones that sustain the optimism. We're cool people, Dawn. Even Kelly says so. Cool people know about these things. These things are in our hands. We're the keepers. We love. We hurt and we grow and we trust. And we love. We're the lucky ones."

"But Billy. We both got real lucky and I didn't know about any process. I forced and I manipulated and I got lucky. We both did."

"And in the end you got rewarded for being you. For being who you are. That's a benevolent process. And in the end I got rewarded for being me. It was a harsh process but it ended up being nice to me. I knew it would. Maybe it's because I'm so innocent, huh?"

"Yes, Rebecca."

"You can call me Becky. My closest friends and family call me Becky."

"I will never call you Becky in front of another living human being. Becky."

"I can live with that, Casseopeia."

"So this is our reward? Becky and Casseopeia?"

"I think so. A blinded innocent stag reclaims his tittie bar dancer and their daughter conceived in a manipulated drunken truck scene. Love, Dawn. In the end that's all there is. And I'm glad you're my wife. Gladder than anybody else will ever know. That's our secret and we can share it. Nobody else will ever know just how glad this blinded innocent stag can really be."

"Nobody?"

"Except maybe Halli. She should know the blinded innocent look and recognize it when she has her foot on the accelerator. It'll do her good."

"Then I need to tell you something, Billy."

"You always do. Surprise me."

"I love you, Billy. Surprised?"

"I'll always be surprised. And I'll never take it for granted."

Then we went upstairs. Dawn came out of the bathroom covered in glitter lotion. Even her toenails glittered. She stood over me on the bed and squirted the bottle right onto my stomach.

"So you really like this stuff don't you?" she said.

"I always have. I like it even better now!" I replied.

"Well watch this." and she showed me even more things you can do with the stuff.

As I laid there that night next to Dawn I tried to imagine what it would be like if she dumped me. I tried to imagine how hurt and lonely and dead I would be. But I couldn't do it. Every time I thought I had a handle on it she would make cute little sleeping noises and snuggle herself even closer to my body. Getting dumped now would be different than having my heart ripped out. It would be more like losing everything around me. The whole world. But Dawn hugged me in her sleep and the whole world came back in a flash. Right back to where it all belonged. That was her special gift. She could do that to me.

The next day, Tamara was at school and Dawn was at her new gig at the clinic in Vail. She had dressed excitedly and walked out the door looking like Dawn the ski instructor. Dark eyes, dark hair, and the same dark presence I first saw on the bus those days I was getting infatuated with her. She was making changes alright. She was changing back into the private woman I barely got sentences from the days I tried to engage her. She was stunning in her privacy. Nobody but me would know just how much. She actually seemed to enjoy life in her closet. Of course, she wouldn't admit it, but I could feel the happy comfort she felt just being Dawn. The Dark Dawn. The one nobody ever really got to know. I got to know her simply because I couldn't help but fall in love with her. But behind the false Dawn was the bright one. The real one. That was the Dawn she saved for close friends and family. She was the real Halli. The one who had grown up and managed to pass on the gene to the next generation.

So I went skiing. We had at least a month of springtime conditions left and the Basin was probably the only ski area still open in the northern hemisphere give or take a couple of places in Oregon and maybe Switzerland. A small world becomes that much smaller when you're at the only place still open. Vail had already closed but would be reopened just for the boarding championship. Summit and Eagle Counties were still getting plenty of snowfall. I was losing track of time but I believed it would start sometime early next week. Once Dawn lost interest in the whole thing, I stopped paying attention to it. Dawn would be there, but in a different world and a different capacity. She'd be in a clinic as incognito as she could manage. I'd probably be there just to see Kelly do it. I was her 'coach' after all.

I ran across Kelly and we hung out together. Then we ran across Carl and we all hung out and played in the snow like the skiers and riders that we are.

"Kelly. You know Carl. He's the guy who taught me to ski. Or at least he tried."

"Sure Carl. How's it going, love?" she said.

"Oh pretty well. Are you ready to kick some ass in Vail and get big? Really big?" Carl asked.

"I'm ready to get on with things. Vail is just another stop along the way. But an interesting stop since Billy's been teaching me how to ride like a woman." she said with a laugh.

"Well if anybody can teach you how to ride like a woman it's Billy. I'm kinda surprised he didn't teach you how to ride like a little girl."

Kelly and I both looked at each other and locked glances in a mutual flash of recognition.

"Cool!" she said.

"The man's a genius!" I added.

"What are you guys talking about?" Carl asked with surprise. "Everybody who competes in the halfpipe rides like guys. Even Billy."

"Man Kelly! I set you up with the wrong woman. I should have brought Halli up to the Basin that day!"

She laughed. "Teach her to snowboard first. Then she can teach me how to ride like a little girl. Like Billy's little girl."

"Ya think?" Carl added. "Billy can teach you that himself. Just answer all his questions with a yes. Yes you love everybody. Then you can ride like Billy's little girl."

Then they both laughed.

"You guys are picking on me and it's not fair!" I protested. "I'm only forty one and you're treating me like grownup. So just stop it!"

"Easy bro. You have to behave yourself around grownups. OK?" Carl offered.

"Fuck you, man. I'm only forty one and I can act however I want to. Mommy said I could. Besides, I want everybody to love each other. So stop teasing me. OK?" I answered.

Kelly looked at me with renewed interest. "What's your mommy up to, Billy?"

"She's gone into the real world. It's her first day at Steadman and she looks just like a ski instructor. Or maybe a patroller. She looks like a paramedic. You know how she can dress to kill? Well today she's dressed to cure."

"She showed up at Steadman as an incognito Cassandra Hallidey?" Carl asked.

"No. Actually she showed up as Dawn Shannon. They hired Dawn Hallidey and she showed up as Dawn Shannon. Pregnant too. She'll cop two weeks maternity leave next year I suppose. The whole family scene."

"Ya know, Billy. She shitcanned my video. She called me up this morning and told me she's not releasing it."

"How are you feeling about that, Kelly? Are you cool with it?"

"I don't give a shit either way. I'm there to win a competition."

"Really? It doesn't fuck anything up?" I asked.

"It's even better this way. Women of the Resurrection did what it needed to do as far as its original intent. People are gonna still talk about it. They always will. But we're the lucky ones. We got to see it!"

"Um Kelly. You got to do it!"

"I got to do it with your mommy. I still got my copy. I'll be able to prove it too when I'm forty one. In about twenty years, pappy. So how come she went gunshy? Was she planning to renig from the beginning? It kinda surprised me."

"She's not Cassandra Hallidey anymore. She's turning into Dawn Shannon. She's getting plenty angstlike about it too. Like it's a big deal. But she's convinced she's doing the right thing."

"Is she, Billy? Are you convinced she's doing the right thing?"

"I wouldn't know. I don't know what lures people into the oven to begin with. So getting out is just as mysterious. I don't understand the entire process. But you do. Maybe you could explain it to me. Or better yet, maybe you could explain it to my daughter Halli."

"Oh come on Billy! You know me better than that. I'm getting paid to be Kelly. Ask your wife. Ask her what it's like to get paid to be Cassandra Hallidey. We're working women. That's all. I'm getting paid to ride a snowboard and ride it like a woman. You were hip to that scene before I was for chrissakes. But you're changing, Billy. You're changing into Mr. Dawn Shannon. It's an interesting change and I can't say you wear it badly. But rest assured, Coach. You're talking to Kelly Stone the snowboarder. I'm not Cassandra Hallidey the film star."

"Yeah?"

"And I'm not Halli. But Halli's alot more like me than like Cassandra. All she wants to do is roll around in the snow and look cute. Sure, she doesn't know about getting paid to be Tamara, but she expects to be loved for it. She'll get over it though."

"How Kelly? By being famous or being an unknown? At what point does she get over it?"

"Does it really matter? Who the hell cares. I'm out here riding right now and you don't see a single photographer. Not one. I'm out here to ride."

"Can you teach Halli that?"

"Of course not. It's a personal preference. We all do what we like to do. Halli likes to roll around in the snow and look cute. That's her version of riding. And she's going to do it regardless of who her parents are. Dawn won't hold her back. Nothing will."

"Dawn doesn't want to hold her back. Dawn wants her to grow up first. Then she can do whatever she wants to."

"Really? Is that what you really think?"

"Huh? Wadda you mean?" I asked.

"Dawn's crazed with guilt over everything there is to be guilty about. She wears her guilt like you wear that loneliness thing, Billy. I knew you when you were garbed in the finest loneliness a man ever donned. It was you all over. And now Dawn's wearing the finest guilty gown she can find. And Halli's her finest necklace. Like the Hope Diamond on a chain. Don't you see that?"

"No Kelly. I don't. Dawn's finest necklace stays in the drawer. Locked away solid like a priceless gem. Get it? We're all priceless gems. You're just in a better position to share the sparkle. You're ready to go on display and count the spectators. And why not? You're the right gem at the right time and everybody will love you for it."

"See? I told you." Carl finally added. "But you have to love everybody back or Billy goes ballistic and self-ignites. He gets miserable when everybody doesn't love each other."

"God you're an innocent kind of man! Even Chris isn't as simplistic as you are!" but neither Carl nor I really knew which simplistic man she was addressing.

"Chris can share his diamond with the world and not feel guilty about it. I mean, it takes a million years to make a diamond. And we're only asking a decade or so for Halli. Is that too much to ask?" I asked.

"You gotta ask Halli, Billy. Asking me won't do anybody any good. Ten years is half my lifetime. Sure it's too much to ask. Me at least. Go pick on somebody your own age."

"Kelly! You're like a random dream machine. And you call me simplistic..."

"I trust the machine, Billy. I'm not the machine. I trust it and I believe in it. It's as much your machine as it is mine. Your wife taught me that. Have her teach you that too and you'll be happier with it in your own home. But it's not random. It's so selective that most people will sacrifice their souls for its blessings. Really. It's way more selective than it needs to be. It's like buying a television set and finding out that only one in ten thousand actually picks up any programming. Most people just end up with a dead machine sitting in their living rooms."

"And you think Dawn took a perfectly good machine and pulled the plug and lets it sit there useless. Is that it?"

"Yes Billy. That's exactly what I think. But if Dawn wants Halli to finish her homework before she gets to watch any television then that's up to her. And now Dawn can't watch any television either because it might distract Halli from finishing up her assignments. Talk about a child-centered household! I'll bet you can't watch any television after she finishes up because it's her bedtime and you don't want it to wake her up. Alotta parents live that way. That's the way my parents would live if they had one. But they don't even have a television set because we didn't live anywhere near a TV station. And it was a dreamless house, Billy."

"You mean your parents don't even know you're famous and shit?" Carl asked.

"They haven't a clue. Not the faintest notion." Kelly answered.

"Do you talk to them and stuff?" I asked.

"I haven't talked to my parents in five years. They threw me out of the house when I started seeing Chris and we don't have anything to do with each other. The funny thing is, you and Dawn are old enough to be my parents and I wish you were. You're cool people and my parents were definitely uncool."

"Do you have any brothers or sisters?" I asked.

"Not unless they had more after I split. I'm the sole surviving Stone. They'll figure it out one day. Especially when they find out I actually married Chris."

"Do you miss your parents?" I asked.

"Of course I do. But they miss me more than I do. I'm sure of it. But you know what I miss most of all, Billy?"

"What's that Kelly?"

"A sister. A little sister. That's why I loved Halli right from the beginning. She's like the sister I'd wished for. And you guys. You're like the parents I always wished I'd had. That's why I got off getting married with you guys. I'll always appreciate that. Thanks again for having us there."

"Did you enjoy meeting Amanda?"

"Oh yeah! We talk to each other all the time. She's coming to Vail with me, you know."

"Oh? I didn't know that."

"I talked to her this morning about it. When Dawn said you all weren't coming I called up Amanda and invited her. She sounded pretty stoked. You don't mind do you?"

"You're gonna party for three days with Billy's mom?" Carl asked.

"Ain't that cool?" she asked us both.

"It might be." I said. "She takes this Women of the New Millennium thing pretty seriously. Just don't take it any more seriously than she does and you'll have a great time together."

"Yeah. She was kinda bummed to hear you guys weren't coming. But she didn't sound particularly surprised."

"She knows Dawn's having problems with her whole head trip." I said. "But she's got her own head trip and she's real good at it. I'll bet she's already got TV gigs lined up doesn't she?"

"At least two that I know about. I tried to get her to drag me along but she was kinda noncommittal about it. She's on TV so much anyway I figured having her along wasn't gonna cramp my own style any."

"Just watch out, Kelly. She can do the same number on you that you almost pulled off on Halli. Really. Just watch out and know what you're doing. She has her own agenda and you're most definitely part of it. I'm just saying to be careful."

"Billy! This is your mom you're talking about!"

"This is Dr. Amanda Shannon, Kelly. Be millennial or get out of the oven. She's a baker's baker. Just be careful, huh?"

"So noted, Billy boy."

"Just be careful, Kelly. Dawn opted out of the show. Now let's go skiing!"

And we all got off the lift and revelled in the various sensations of sliding down a slushy hill at twenty miles an hour. Especially Kelly. She danced down the mountain and left Carl gaping in his juices. He could ride up the lift with Kelly Stone and even have a conversation with her but he wasn't going to have her. To possess her the way he envisioned my possessing Cassandra Hallidey. And I saw the same look in his eyes that Peter could display. Angst over a woman. That's what Carl looked like. So I just had to ask him about it.

"What's eating you, man?"

"You gotta video of that woman doing your wife? Can I see it?" he asked.

"No can do. Dawn's gonna forget it ever existed. Pity too. It was a real piece of erotic art."

"Aw man! You can show me. We're best friends. Your wife said so!" he protested.

"Nope. Can't do it. The fleshy skin colors were real nice too."

"Goddammit come on! Please?"

"Uh uh. Man you should have seen them going to town on each other." It was more than he could handle. He got down on his knees and begged me.

"Oh get up, Carl. I don't even have a copy of the tape. I saw Kelly's copy. Maybe you need to ask her."

"Man you're cruel. You're as bad as they are. You're as bad as a woman."

"Really? What's so bad about women? Are they being cruel to you again?"

"Well actually, that woman in my house is starting to act pretty nice to me. She doesn't look any better though. She's getting as big as a barn."

"Excited about being a daddy, Daddy?"

"I'm gonna get stuck with them both. I just knew this was going to happen."

"Man I told you this was going to happen. So have you decided whether you love her or not?"

"I dunno. Maybe. I guess so."

"What? That you decided or that you love her?" I asked. "What does she say?"

"She says she loves me."

"Do you believe her?"

"I don't know. I just don't know."

"Do you wanna believe her?"

"Shit yeah! I wanna believe that she meant it the first time. And if she did, then maybe I'd believe her now."

"So do you love her? You sure sound like you do."

"I do?" and he stared at me. "I do?" he repeated.

"Dude You are such a guy. Even I can tell you that." I said.

"But you're not just a guy. You're something else altogether and nobody quite knows what. But whatever you are, you did manage to score one of the two coolest women on the planet. And while she's working, you hang out with the other one."

"That really hangs you up, doesn't it. That your woman's not any cooler than she is. Is that it? You sure thought she was cool when you first met her. Then you thought she was cool when you taught her to ski. Then you thought she was cool when you were going to go live with her. Then she dumped you and now she's back. Reconnect with her cool and your problems are over. Then tell her how very much you love her. You'll feel better about life and about women. Really. Just give in and do it."

"You know, Billy. For a guy who's heart got ripped out and then went into therapy you sure are happy about women and all this shit. It's like you've got rose colored contact lenses. The whole world must look like a glass of rosy red wine. What's it gonna take to fuck you up? To really fuck you over and leave you dead?"

"That's an easy one, Carl. All she has to do is walk out. That would do it and there wouldn't be any more glasses of rosy red wine. Ever. That's what it would take."

"And then if she came back? Professing to love you? Would that fill the wine glass again? Would it?"

I saw what he was getting at. "Carl, the first thing, the very first thing I would do is sit down and figure out whether I still loved her. Sound familiar?"

"And if you couldn't figure it out? What then?"

"If I couldn't figure it out then something's wrong. Nobody should have to try so very hard to figure out whether or not they love somebody. Sure, there might be a trust issue. Sure, you might never believe a word she ever says to you. But you can still figure out whether you love somebody. Especially when they're sitting on your couch with an umbilical cord attached to your unborn child. And it is your child, isn't it?"

"I don't know about that. I just don't know."

"Man, I was on the opposite side of the boat. I knew I loved Dawn and I didn't have the foggiest idea that Tamara was my own child. Not a clue. But my mother said it wouldn't matter one way or the other once we became lovers. Of course, I never got to find out if she was right since it turned out I was a Daddy. I wasn't being coy with anyone, Carl. I was simply the last one to find out about these things. That's my special talent. I'm always the last one to find out about anything."

"But everything always seems to work out for you. How do you do that?" he asked.

"I'm looking at the world through rose colored contacts. Remember?" I answered. "I mean, you remember when my whole world fell apart the last time I got dumped, right?"

"Yeah."

"And do you remember why my whole world fell apart?"

"Because she dumped you?"

"No bro. Because I still loved her. And I was honest enough with myself to deal with that. I had to. If I didn't, I'd have ended up even more fucked up than you are. And if she'd have come back to me the way that yours did, I'd still love her. I might not ever trust her again, but I'd at least be clear about my feelings. Even if I ended up throwing her ass out on the street just to protect myself."

"OK. You never made any sense before. But this is starting to make sense."

"Well?"

"I love her, Billy. I always did and I always will. There. Happy?"

"Well at least we're getting somewhere. Do you want her around? Can you still trust her?"

"How can I find out? What do I do to find that out?"

"Why not start by sitting down together and asking her. Ask her if you can still trust her. Tell her you love her but you're having a problem with the trust thing. She'll understand where you're coming from. It's not like it's coming out of left field."

"So I love her but I don't trust her?"

"A not so highly unusual human condition. Maybe even common. But they're two separate issues. One is not the other. Therein lies your big head trip, Carl. You knew you couldn't trust her so you figured you couldn't love her and it was fucking your head up because you were wrong. You really do love her. Trusting her is another thing altogether."

"Two separate things, huh?"

"Love takes care of itself. There's not much you can do about it. Trust is a different animal. You gotta forge trust the hard way. But both of you have to share a decent forge. One of you can't do it alone. You're used to doing things by yourself and this time it won't work like that. If it did, just think about how easy it would be teaching people to ski! Everybody would trust us and believe everything we say!"

"So I should go home and start forging some trust?"

"Yeah. And give your child the benefit of the doubt. She'll appreciate that and in your own heart you'll know that it doesn't really make any difference anyway. But it'll make a big difference to her. I'm sure of it."

"And what if we get all trusting and shit and then she tells me the child isn't mine?"

"Then I have just the present for your woman's baby shower. It's a native American tapestry that you can hang on your wall. All the patterns flow into the center from every part of the fabric. It'll be a stunning addition to your emerging family collection."

"I'm gonna ask her to marry me." Carl said flatly.

"Do as you will, but that won't buy you the trust you're seeking. That'll buy you a wife you can't trust instead of a girlfriend you can't trust."

"But this here's Colorado, Billy. Having a baby together makes us as married as we can get as far as the state's concerned. I wanna be together with her for something that I did. Not just something that simply happened."

"Cool! Now you're starting to sound like a husband and a father. Are you feeling a little better about things? I mean, it was only five minutes ago you pretty much hated women."

"It's the trust thing, Billy. It all comes down to that. I can finally put my finger on it! Every guy I ever heard bitch about how evil women are got burned on a trust thing. God! Everything always sounds so simple when you get around to explaining things, dude."

"Ya think? Nothing sounded as simple as the way you explained women to me! They were evil and they were gonna dick every man they could. Now that's simplicity. And I always knew exactly what you meant. You meant you got burned and you weren't gonna trust women anymore."

"But I wasn't exactly wrong, was I?"

"Carl. You've got two choices. You can continue to believe that in which case you'd better start looking around for alternatives to heterosexual relationships. Or you can pull your head back out of your ass and start trusting the woman who wants your love. If she dicks you around again then move on to somebody else. There's always somebody out there you can trust. I know I'm right because to think otherwise would cut me off from half of the human race and I like women too much to do that to myself. I know you do too or you'd have a boyfriend by now. Or a dog. I was always surprised you never bought a dog."

"So do you think I should marry her?"

"I think you should learn to trust her first. Remember, man. I went this route and you saw me do it. I was head over heels in love with a woman as trustworthy as every evil stereotype you ever shoveled my way. Marrying her wouldn't have changed that. Find out if you can trust her first. If you can't then you may as well throw her out on the street just to protect yourself. Am I making any sense here?"

"Way more than usual. First you nagged at me to figure out whether I loved her. Not just you. Even your scary little girl. Then I decide I wanna marry her and you're telling me I gotta figure out if I really trust her."

"Not just figure out if you really trust her. Figure out if the two of you can rebuild the trust you had before she dumped you. You could certainly learn to trust her again. And she could certainly dump you again."

"God you're alotta help. It's like you're talking in circles."

"Kind of reminds me of your relationship. Marriage won't change that. Marriage is simply the icing that goes on top of the cake. Even a butter knife can cut through it exposing the underlying substance. First you bake the cake. Then you apply the icing. The irony is that not many married couples ever bothered to bake a cake first. They eat their icing right out of the jar and wonder why they feel sick to their stomachs after the wedding."

"So are you hip to the idea or not? I mean, you just got married. Why did you do it?"

"I couldn't help it. I just had to do it. I was pulled into the idea like heavy undeniable gravitation. Every cell in my body screamed out to me Marry her. Not marrying her would have left me unfulfilled. Like having sex everyday and never coming. And on the other hand, getting married was like relieving the pressure. Like everything inside me finally relaxed. Like you do after sex."

"Does everybody feel that way?" he asked.

"I'm not even sure Dawn feels that way. She probably married me for completely different reasons than I did. But I'm a simplistic optimist and she's more sophisticated and complex than I am. She has more moving parts in her head. To tell you the truth, I haven't the foggiest notion why she married me. Other than the obvious reasons. And they're good enough for me because I trust her. Lord only knows why. But I am compelled to trust her. If you want to bad enough, you can end up trusting anybody. Anybody, dude."