Chapter V (The Resurrected - A love story by Billy Shaw)

The whole happy Hallidey-Shannon family drove through the bright dry deserts of Arizona in a quest for Dr. Mom. Dawn and Halli were pretty stoked. They were getting to meet somebody famous and they related their excitement in squeals and giggles the whole goddamned way. It was girlish.

"I've seen your Mommy on television, Daddy! She was wearing a deerskin dress with beautiful blue jewelry." Halli was sitting in the back seat with big plastic sunglasses on.

"Are we there yet?" Dawn whined sarcasticly and they both giggled.

"You're both gonna get off on Mom. She's gonna bust a gut when she meets you people!" and I just knew I was right. "Now listen you guys. Really. Mom doesn't know anything about the whole Hallidey scene, so just remember that for awhile. OK?"

We pulled up into Mom's current RV park and found her sitting on a rocking chair in front of her truck weaving tapestry on a hand loom. We all got out of the car and stood there in front of Mom illuminated in the afternoon light, each of us looking like the other, and like Mom too. Mom strode over and gave Dawn a kiss. And admired her for a long moment. Then she leaned down and hugged Tamara tightly. And kissed her and looked up at me with tears in her eyes.

Tamara reached out her hand and wiped Mom's tears with her little fingers. "I love Billy very much. I know you love him like we do." was the first thing she ever said to my mother.

Mom looked at her with awe and delight. I knew she would.

"Mom, this is Tamara. Your grand-daughter. Tamara, say hello to my mother Amanda."

"You can call me Halli." she offered cheerfully and stuck her face right in Mom's. "You're even prettier in person than you are on TV!" and me and Dawn just looked at each other.

"Mom, this is Halli's mother Dawn."

"I'm so pleased, Amanda." and Dawn and my mother caressed and looked at each other again.

"You're even prettier in person than you are on film." she said.

"Don't we make pretty children, Amanda?" Dawn asked with genuine pride.

"Billy acts pretty coy. Like when he's dating a film goddess." Mom dropped it into the air looking for a taker.

"My mother makes films for growups, Amanda. Do you like to watch them?" Halli said.

"But of course, Halli." Mom replied. "I use your mommy's films in my clinics. They're the best ones we've got. God you're a beautiful child."

"Billy, bring your family on over here. Let's relax and watch the sun."

We sat around a wooden wire spool laid on its side in lawnchairs with drink and food alike. The sun was just high enough to illuminate Dawn's hair from behind. She looked beautiful. More beautiful than ever. She looked comfortable and relaxed. And Halli was styling in her usual way. Mom looked relaxed as ever. We were the only people in this lonely trailer park. Just the way Mom likes it.

"You guys all look just alike! You're a beautiful family. Really you are.", Mom said.

"Amanda," Halli asked gently, "are there snakes around here?"

"Yes, sweetheart. There are coyotes and cactus, too."

"Do you ever get scared out here?"

"Sometimes. Why? Are you scared right now?"

"No. I feel better around you."

I knew this was new territory for Halli. Dawn I didn't know about, and I was inclined to observe her closely.

"Dawn dear, would you like something else to drink? I have some fresh watermelon juice. Wanna try some?"

"Great, Amanda. I'd love some."

"She's so relaxed, Billy. Does the desert do this to you?" Dawn asked as Mom went to get some juice from inside her truck.

"This desert does. If she's around."

"She's pretty placid, Daddy."

"Placid's a good word, Halli. It's cool you know about it."

"Does she live out here alone?" Dawn asked.

"Not really. There's snakes and coyotes and cactus and stuff." and I smiled teasingly at Halli.

Mom came back with Dawn's drink.

"Halli, do you like trucks?" Mom asked.

"I like anything with a steering wheel, Amanda!" Halli replied.

"Got me a truck and a steering wheel. Wanna take it out for a drive sometime? I don't drive very fast and it usually stays in first gear. I hafta wave the finger at alotta drivers..." and she shot a big bird into the air at nothing in particular.

"Cool, Amanda! I'd love to." Halli said with a polite giggle.

"Billy, can your family fit in a single bedroom? I've got a cosy extra bedroom. I have extra sleeping bags too. But Halli can sleep in my room if she wants."

"We do well in each other's arms, Momma. It's really cool. Halli hangs onto me and I hang onto Dawn and Dawn hangs onto Halli and we hang onto each other. It's indescribable."

I swear Halli and Dawn started blushing at the same time. In unison.

"Amanda," Halli asked, "was Billy always Billy?" This was gonna be more fun than standing next to her room with a telephone for six months. I watched with intense interest.

"Billy has always been Billy, Halli. Have you always been Halli?"

"No. I've always been Tamara Hallidey. My closest friends and family call me Halli." she offered politely.

"That's a sweet name. Do you like names?" Mom asked.

"Oh yes. I like them alot. I like the name Billy. I like Dawn, too. They're cool names."

"Ever name your farts?" Mom asked.

"I named a turd Simon once. It just plopped out and I decided it was Simon." Halli offered up.

"Splendid! Did you flush Simon down the toilet and watch him go 'round and 'round?"

"Oh yes, Amanda. He took some toilet paper with him."

"Did you like Simon or were you happy to see him go?"

"Both! It was so cool. Simon went where all the other turds go."

"Do you like boys, Halli?"

"Sometimes. When they don't act like little jerks." Halli replied.

"Did Simon jerk you around, dear?" Mom was hypnotic. I pinched Dawn so she wouldn't go under too and miss this.

"Simon was a turd. I flushed him down the toilet and he's gone."

"Just that once, sweetheart?"

"No. There were other times. I flushed Simon down the toilet a buncha times."

Dawn sat there engorged in new detail. She didn't know shit about Simon. She looked at me in wonder and I smiled at her.

Mom put her hand on Halli's cheek and spoke.

"Simon is gone, sweetheart. You can let it go now, Halli."

And Halli hugged Amanda brightly and gave her a kiss on Mom's neck. They hugged each other and Halli said, "Thank you Amanda. I love you." And she hugged her again. Grandmother and child were rapt in each others' healing. They were a world apart from us.

"Can she do that whenever she wants to?" Dawn asked me with wide open eyes.

"I guess. I think she does it when she doesn't want to as well." I said.

"That's scary. That really flips my bacon. She's a hundred times Billier than I ever thought!"

"She's the wellspring. You look unbelievably gorgeous, Dawn." And we kissed each other with polite passion and held each other's hands.

Mom poured Dawn some more juice and asked her invitingly, "Do you like wildflowers, Dawn?"

"Yes, Amanda. I like desert cacti the best."

"Wanna take some home with you?" and Mom glanced to me briefly. "I have the two I think you'll fall in love with. Hold on a minute." and she went inside the truck.

She came out with two potted plants, both of which were in bloom. One was exceedingly blue. Piercing, in fact. The other was a lazy bluish green. She sat the piercing one in front of Halli and the lazily green one in front of me. Each plant matched our eyes and Dawn shuddered.

"When you take them home and water them, they sprout like nobody's business. I've raised a few to maturity. They really bloom." and she looked right at me.

"Thank you, Amanda. These are special! I love them. I love them very much." and Dawn was succumbing to the same effect as Halli did.

"They're special, Dawn. You're special, too. Check this one out." And she went back into the truck and came out with a brilliant bouquet of white and red-striped carnations. It was stunning. It looked just like Dawn's hair. "I'm keeping this one on my dashboard. It likes the sun and I use it to navigate."

"You navigate with a plant, Mom?"

"No, Billy. I navigate with the sun. This plant is a reliable navigator. I trust this plant."

"I trust it too, Amanda!" Halli offered.

"Do you like your plants, Dawn?"

"Oh yes, Amanda! I love them!"

"Thanks, dear. They will certainly love you in return. I'll be back in a minute."

"Gawd Billy! She's positively spirit. Pure spirit."

"Is she always like that, Daddy?"

"She's always my Mommy. Before anything else."

"She drives with a plant on her dash that looks like Mommy's hair! Can we do that, Daddy? It's too cool!"

"Of course we can, Halli. But what if the plant says one thing and you feel another thing? What then, sweetheart? Ya gonna listen to the plant?"

"I'd ask Kelly. She would help me figure things out."

Mom brought out another one of her favorite plants. It was a creamy white cactus with green blooms. Way green. It was stunning. Spectacular. "I treat this plant like my own sister, Halli. Pretty cool, huh?" And she looked up and smiled at me and Dawn.

"That's unbelievable!" Halli was impressed.

"It's gorgeous, Amanda! Where did you find it?" Dawn asked.

"I don't find plants, strangely. They find me. This one found me in a field of snow. I hated to take it from its natural habitation, but I just couldn't walk away from it. I just had to have it. Just to see how big and beautiful it would get. It hasn't let me down yet."

"Do you do anything special to care for it, Mom?" I asked.

"It's what I don't do, son. If you prune this, it will bleed and die. If you leave it alone, it grows and gets really green. Its sap is sweet and can be used as an ointment. Ain't that neat?"

Halli stared at the plant, in full hypnotic trance. Mom turned to her and said, "This is my sister plant, Halli. You can be its sister, too. But this is a grownup plant. Your sister is a grownup and you can tell the difference in the blooms. I'll show you tomorrow." And Mom took the plant back inside.

"Daddy! Are you going to be like that one day?"

"Like what, Halli?"

"Relaxing."

"Hypnotic." Dawn said. "She's a hypnotic wellspring of Billyness."

"Cool word! What's it mean, Mommy?"

"It's like being in a hot tub and listening to the voices of the stars, baby."

"Placid stars, Halli." I added.

"Do the stars all love each other, Daddy?"

"That's a great question, Halli! Ask Amanda that."

Mom came back out and sat with us. Halli promptly turned to Amanda and asked, "Are the stars placid, Amanda? Do they all love each other?"

"Oh yes, Halli. The stars all love each other. And the falling star is loved the most. It moves where it needs to and the other stars kiss it and hug it as it travels. For luck and for happiness."

"Cool! Does it know where it's going?" my daughter asked her grandmother politely.

"Would it matter? It gets where its going and then it's there. It grows up and becomes a kissing star."

"A kissing star, Amanda? What's that?" Halli asked intently. Dawn looked like she was glued to the chair. She stared at Mom just like Halli did.

"A kissing star is a fallen star with many hugs and kisses. It's a child of motion and love. When it finds its place that makes the other stars very happy and they kiss each other when this happens. The kissing star becomes pure love and the other stars cry in happiness and then it rains. We bath in their tears and the rain brings us life and forgiveness." Mom wasn't letting up. "The kissing star is reborn as a beautiful little girl and she looks to the stars and smiles at them. She waves and bids them goodbye and then the stars cry again because she has left to become a human woman. And she is held in high regard by women and by workers of the soil and she becomes their own star. And then she becomes a falling star and it starts all over again."

"Does she find love?" Halli asked with intense attention. "Does she?"

"In many ways and in many places, little Casseopeia. You'll find all the love you want. When you do, you'll blossom and spread. Just like that."

"Just like what, Amanda?" Halli just wanted to hear it.

"Just like your sister plant. The one you love and want to be like. It's easy, sweetheart. Just be yourself and let it happen." And she turned to me and winked.

"Mom, Halli wants to be famous. She wants to be a star."

"A kissing star!", Halli interjected.

"Is that right, little star?" Mom asked her.

"I want the other stars to hug and kiss and love me. When I find my place, I mean."

"Are you falling now, Halli?" Mom asked.

"The other stars hug me and kiss me already." she replied sincerely.

"As well they should, little kissing star." and Mom reached over and kissed her.

"Amanda, Billy and I have a little problem here. As parents. As Halli's grandmother. Billy is better at making these kind of things simpler. Maybe he can say this better than I can." and Dawn looked at me.

I sat Halli on my lap and spoke. She held me around my neck but kept staring fixedly at my mother. "Cassandra Hallidey is about to release a video starring herself and Halli's acquired big sister Kelly."

"The one with the green eyes." Halli interrupted. "Just like your sister plant!"

"Yes. The one with the green eyes." I said as I looked at Mom's sister.

"Kelly Stone the snowboarder." Mom added.

"Do you, like, know everybody?!" Halli asked. I looked at Mom with similar interest.

"I live in the desert, little star. I don't live in a hole." Mom replied.

"OK so you know about some televised international boarding championships. The video comes out at the same time. Kelly and Cassandra are going to garner alot of well-planned attention."

"Sounds great! What's the problem, little star? Feeling unfamous?" and she looked right at Halli.

Halli pretty much stared blankly. It must have sounded like a buncha gobblygoop to the little girl.

"And you, Dawn? What's the problem, honey?" Mom asked and looked at Dawn with dancing eyes. The way she did at me in the Sedona cafe.

"It's not what I wanted for my little girl. For Billy's little girl or your grand-daughter." Dawn said with authentic embarrassment. "She's Tamara Hallidey and I didn't plan on showing my little girl to the world this way."

"What way, sweetheart?" Mom asked with compassion.

"The way it's gonna play out. It's messing with my head and I just don't feel right about it." Dawn said honestly.

"You're worried that the world might not think you're an adequate mommy?" Mom asked.

"Well, yeah!" Dawn said after some thought.

"And are you? An adequate mommy, Dawn?" Mom asked in return.

"I always thought so. Until this. It's blowing up in my face and it doesn't feel good. And Billy can't control it... She walks all over him like he's a... a..."

"Daddy, Dawn. She walks all over him like he's a daddy. A new daddy at that."

Dawn started to blush. I mean, really turn red. "God! I'm so sorry Amanda! I kept Tamara from Billy all these years and I've kept her from you, too! Can you forgive me? Can you try? Please?"

Halli started to cry and put her little face into my neck.

Dawn and Amanda both looked at her. And me. And Mom asked, "What's the matter, little star?"

Halli looked up at her and let the tears flow. "Mommy cried when Daddy was pleading. Now I'm crying because Mommy's pleading." and let it hang in the air.

"Mommy cried because Daddy was pleading with the wrong woman, Halli." I said gingerly. "Are you crying because Mommy's pleading with the wrong woman?"

"I dunno. Yes!" and she cried more.

"What do you mean, honey?" Dawn asked and moved to stroke her.

"You pleaded with Daddy to forgive you. You're pleading with Amanda to forgive you. What about me, Mommy? What about me?" and she hugged me tightly. Mom sat there content to watch things unfold.

"Tam! I'm so sorry sweetheart! I'm so very sorry baby!" and Dawn welled up and tears streamed down her face. I gave Tamara to her mother to hold. But Halli just held me tighter and wouldn't let go.

"Halli. Would you forgive me, sweetheart. Would you find it in your heart to forgive your Mommy? I swear to you, sweetheart! To all of you! You're her blood and I'll never keep her away from you!" and Dawn collapsed into her chair drawing into herself and wept.

Mom went over to her and caressed her. Dawn just kept crying. Halli just kept crying. Mom looked at me and I looked at Mom. "It's the starry rain of tears, Mom. They're both becoming human women at the same time! I've never seen it before!"

"It brings us life and forgiveness, Billy. I see it when there's life in the air." And the Shannons held the Hallideys as they cried and healed.

Mom looked at me. "You can cry too, son." and she let a stream of tears run down her face agelessly.

I got up with Halli still attached and walked over to Dawn. "Dawn, I love you."

Halli said, "I love you Mommy."

And the smiles and hugs and kisses broke through this starry rain of tears like sunshine through a thunderstorm.

"Dawn, sweetheart." Mom said and stroked her. "You're a terrific mommy. Much more than adequate. And you've got a terrific Daddy for Halli. Maybe the rest of the world should chill out. Ya know? Ignore them."

"I'm a kissing star, Mommy! Don't let anybody ignore me! Please?"

"God no, sweetheart! Nobody is going to ignore you."

Mom turned to me. "Well let me run in for a few minutes. I have a cassarole in the oven and I don't want it to burn." And she smiled at all of us and went inside her truck. Halli ran after her.

"I'm sorry, Billy." Dawn said drying her eyes with her shirt. "Are we freaking her out or anything? She acts like she understands."

"She understands. She also gets to the point, doesn't she?" and I smiled at her.

"They look pretty comfortable with each other." I told Dawn with a smile.

"They're adorable together! I wish I'd known."

"Known what?"

"What family means to normal people."

"We're not normal people. We'll never know."

"What family means to me."

"Are you getting some idea, Dawn? Is it becoming comfortable?"

She reached to my hand and took it. She raised it up to her lips and held it there.

Mom and Halli spent at least a half hour in the truck. Dawn and I sat together and watched the sun do its spectacular desert dance. A slight breeze blew over our faces as the sun got closer to the earth.

Halli and Mom walked out of the truck together, holding hands. Halli looked like she was gonna burst. She ran up to Dawn and handed her a copy of next month's Cosmo. An advance copy.

"Mommy look at this! Amanda's got a column in Cosmo! And her picture's right there!" and she held up the magazine to show Dawn.

"I get an advance copy every month, Halli. I don't know why they bother, but I keep getting them. Go ahead, Dawn. Take a look." Mom said.

"Look at the cover, Mommy! Look at the cover!"

Dawn took the magazine and stared at the cover. And stared at the cover some more. And stared without saying anything. Anything.

I took the magazine and looked at it. Across the front cover was a picture of Kelly and Cassandra arm in arm with the subtitle 'Women of the New Millennium'.

"Nice! What fabulous women! That's two months in a row for Kelly, too!" I admired.

"I looked at all the pictures, Daddy! They're the most beautiful women in the world! Look at them!"

"Show me, sweetheart!"

Halli took the magazine and turned to the middle. She held it up to me and showed me page after page of her mother and Kelly. All of the photographs had been taken in Kelly's place. It was an elegant and flattering spread. They were exotic and worldly and erotic and intelligent all at the same time. I took the magazine from my daughter and looked at the table of contents. I started to read. "Women of the New Millennium... Fashions for Vail... Dressing for Television... Women on Snowboards... oh here's one... Adult Film Scandal at Vail... Cool!"

Mom turned to Dawn gently. "I read the articles, Dawn. They were very, very proud to have you in this issue. When I read this, I didn't know I was reading about a family member. I was interested mostly because I follow your career and I'm your advocate on professional issues. By the way, they call you a 'terrific mommy to a terrific little girl' and have some adorable pictures of Tamara. There are no pictures of Billy and certainly none of me, but you can change all that at Vail if what you're looking for is a loving and supporting solid family behind you. And if anybody hassles you, then three generations of women can tell them to take it somewhere else. After all, you're a Woman of the New Millennium according to those people there."

"What the heck is a Woman of the New Millennium?!" she managed to say.

"Me, Mommy! I'm a Daughter of the New Millennium! It says so in Cosmo!"

Dawn reached to hug Amanda and held her for minutes. Halli took me by the hand and led me inside the truck. "Check this out, Daddy! Here's our bedroom." and we went into a cozy little space most of which was a kingsize bed with a small bouquet of wildflowers placed on it.

"Are you happy, sweetheart?"

"Yes Daddy! Are you?"

"Let's jump up and down on the bed and act happy together, OK?" I invited.

And we both stood up on the bed and jumped up and down a buncha times until Dawn and Mom walked in the room.

"The whole truck's rocking. Like somebody's in here doing it." Mom said happily.

Dawn started to laugh and reached over to cover her mouth.

Halli just kept jumping on the bed laughing. I fell over and laid down. She fell on top of me. And we both looked at Dawn and Mom and laughed.

Dawn fell on top of us. "I'm jealous! I wanna jump on the bed with Daddy now! It's my turn!"

Mom flipped on a wallswitch and the whole bed started vibrating. We were bouncing around like jumping beans. Halli started making noices just to hear what they sound like when she vibrated.

Mom turned it off and said, "You all hungry yet? Wanna eat dinner under rising stars? Come on out when you're ready. Halli, come with me, little star." And she took Halli with her.

"Billy, are you comfortable with this? Vail and videos and magazines?"

"I'm comfortable with you. I don't give a shit about Vail and videos and magazines."

"Really? All this isn't messing it up?"

"No, sweetheart! I'm the only one going to Vail not famous already. There's nothing messing with me or you. There's nothing messing with any of us. Wave your magic wand, girl. Give yourself a well-deserved break." and I kissed her and held her close to me.

"I'm scared for Tamara, Billy."

"The little star's gotta shine, Dawn. She'll fall when she needs too. We'll cry when we need to. And we hug her and kiss her along the way. You've done everything right. You haven't faltered. What makes you think you'll falter now?"

"She named her turd Simon, Billy. I never knew anything about it. Until now."

"Isn't it neat to spend time with somebody and get to know things you never knew about them?"

"I guess I don't know everything about her, do I?" she asked.

"Guess not. That was a killer piece in the magazine. Made you sound even smarter than you are, if that's possible. You and Kelly carried that off very well. Even Mom was impressed."

"Billy, thanks for helping me. For helping me with everything."

"Are you happy you asked me?"

"More like comfortable with it. And I'm comfortable and happy with you."

"Wanna go get some food? Whatever Mom cooked is going to be healthy for us. It'll taste pretty weird, but that's what healthy food tastes like I think."

We all sat under the stars eating Mom's weird tasting healthy food and watched Halli. She was staring intently into the sky.

"Seen one yet, sweetheart?" Dawn asked.

"Oh loads, Mommy! There must be a ton of love up there! Does this mean it's going to rain soon, Amanda?"

"Somewhere, Little Kissing Star. It's always raining somewhere in the desert."

"And becoming little girls and changing into stars again?" Halli asked.

"Precisely, Halli. That's exactly right." Mom said reassuringly.

"Cool! That's pretty cool, huh Daddy?"

After we finished dinner, Dawn took Halli inside to get ready for bed. Mom and I cleared and washed the dishes and stuff and Mom put some food away. Then she and I went back outside and sat together under the stars.

"Your tapestry is lovely, Billy. It's magnificent. Are you happy with it, son?"

"It's bigger than happy, Momma. It's like being complete. I feel wholer than ever."

"That's a good thing. Wanna know another good thing, Billy?"

"What's that, Mom?"

"You look wholer than ever. You really do. It takes my breath away. How very different you look from the last time you visited me. You looked frightened to me then. And unloved. Are you loved now, honey?" She asked gingerly.

"Do I look loved to you now, Mom?" and smiled at her.

"Strangely, you look... reborn."

"Resurrected, Momma?"

"If the pattern flows to the center from anywhere on the fabric, then yes dear, you are resurrected. Nobody I've ever met before seems to flow there like you do. You always manage to find somebody's center. This time is different because it's your own. Isn't it the best place you've ever been?"

"And then some.How did you know Tamara was my daughter?"

"I could see her in your own eyes the first time you ever mentioned the little girl. Then you saw it in your own eyes. I sat and watched you see it. It moved your spirits and they've been compassionate and good to you."

"Can Dawn's spirits do the same for her? She's bearing alot of guilt. It seems new for her to have to hurt this much. She bears it like it's the cost of resurrection."

"Who's resurrection, honey? Yours or her own?"

"Her own?" I asked.

"Nobody pays for somebody else's resurrection. Nobody. She's bearing the cost of her own. Not yours and not even Halli's. You should remember that. You and Halli aren't buying her out of the netherworld, either. She can only do that herself. That's her cost. That is the hurt she is feeling."

"She's a hell of a woman, Mom. How does she resurrect herself?"

"Just between you and me? Not advice. Just a guess."

"It'll be a pretty educated guess, Mom. Just between you and me."

"She'll get pregnant again. Soon. It's only a guess, mind you. But that's what she'll do."

It all made perfect sense. Talk about creativity with a magic wand, heh heh!

"Would you like her for a daugher-inlaw, Mommy?"

"When the time comes, sweetheart. Don't mess with her head right now. Let her absorb her pain a little while. You'll know when the time is right." and she paused to look at a shooting star on its way across the sky.

"Son?"

"Yes, Mom?"

"I would be proud and honored and blessed for Dawn to be my daughter. Just like I am that Halli is my grand-daughter." and she halted.

"Yes, what is it, Momma?"

"Your marrying Dawn won't pay for her resurrection, Son. Having a baby is something she gets to do herself. The two are not the same thing."

"She knows that better than anybody I've ever met."

"And so do you. One's a symbol. A piece of paper with your names on it. The other is a human being with its own name on it. Women create life. That's who we are. It's what we do."

"Mom, I know you don't read your own magazine columns. Why did you keep that copy of Cosmo around? Don't you usually just throw them out?"

"I browse through them sometimes. I saw a picture of a fabulously gorgeous little girl named Tamara who looks like my son. Not a little. Alot. And I started reading about her mother. And her mother's new video, Women of the Resurrection. Catchy name. You're always good with a phrase."

"And you thought of me?!"

"I sure did! Especially after the little sidebar feature on Kelly's coach! Ain't that something? Kelly Stone asks my son to help her ride like a woman! I didn't know whether to be proud or insulted. Your little writeup on the side of the page did manage to describe you as Tamara Hallidey's father. They didn't leave you out of the show in the cold."

"I see what you're saying. It's a matter of time until we're one big happy media family like it or not."

"We can be one big happy family on our own terms. Screw the media."

"And that's exactly what you're doing now. Isn't it, Momma?"

"No Billy. It's up to Dawn. She's going to decide what her terms are and we're going to abide by them. All of us. You and me and Halli. And Kelly."

"But Dawn did have terms. Kelly went and screwed them up."

"No Billy. Dawn had assumptions. Halli and Kelly have dreams. Now it's time for Dawn to set terms. Not more assumptions. That means she sits the three of you down and states her terms clearly and simply enough for you and Halli to understand."

"The three of us?"

"Kelly gets to sit in too. If you're treating her like one of the family, she may as well start acting like one of its members. And vice versa."

"Mom, what are Dawn's videos like? I've never seen one. Uh, a completed one."

"They're playful, seductive, innovative, entertaining, educational,... Very Cassandra Hallidey. I feel comfortable using her work in my seminars."

"Do you feel like... connected with her?" I asked.

"Oh, very much so. I can see how you sat and talked to her for a year. If she were sitting on my lap naked for a year, I'da had children with her too! She certainly must have felt connected with you, huh? To want to, as you put it, borrow some genetic material. That's connection, Billy. That strong shit. And then she comes back and finds you. That's a strong connection. A mutual bond is more than a gift. It's a rarity. It's rare for two people to find each other. It's even harder to find each other a second time."

"I never knew about Cassandra Dawn Hallidey. All I knew about was Cassie and Dawn. But why would a lowkey incognito ski instructor with a daughter protection instinct suddenly blow the lid off her closet and emerge on the covers of international magazines with Kelly Stone? It's like she's a butterfly fighting her way out of her cocoon."

"Then she can only get prettier, darling. She'll spread her new wings and fly."

"Just like Halli."

"The birth of women is a privilege to see, Billy. Watch it closely and enjoy its specialness. They're not just any women. They're your family, these women of the resurrection."

and she giggled a moment. "So what do Cassandra and Kelly look like together? Have you seen any of Cassandra's video yet?"

"Only some of it. It's stunning. They're magical together. I can't wait to see the whole thing."

"How in the world did you come up with that name? What is it supposed to mean?" she asked.

"Women being reborn to the present. And celebrating it in play. It'll make more sense when you see the whole video. I made them put some more stuff in it."

"Interesting connection."

"If you ever hold a sex seminar at a ski resort, you're definitely gonna want this video. But with this Women of the New Millennium business, an interesting connection becomes even more empowered. All four of you are playing into this interesting connection. Dawn, Halli, Kelly, and you. None of you wants fame. You all have it already. You all want in at the top of the Millennium. All four of you."

"Damn right. If Dawn and Halli and Kelly are going there, then I'm right beside them. It's only taken me twenty years to see it happen, and I'm not closing my eyes now. If the new millennium is the resurrection of women, then I intend be a woman of the new millennium too!"

"Ya know, Mom. That term sure rolls off your tongue easy. Really easy. You probably thought it up in the first place, didn't you? ... Jesus Christ! We're fucking scary together!"

"What would you have me do? Put Women of the Resurrection on the cover of a fashion magazine? It would scare away readers! But it sounds fucking darling on an adult video sleeve."

"Well isn't that special! You're even more Halli than Tamara Hallidey."

"Of course I am, son. I'm her grandmother. All I can figure is it's a female gene and passed through you unaltered. I gave you special genes of your own that probably passed through me unaltered. That's how we propagate our species, son. I'm sure we talked about this once. Or else you've obviously managed to figure it out for yourself."

"Goddammit, you're gonna grandstand even more than they are!"

"It's not grandstanding, Billy. It's crusading. They're crusading for a couple of women and I'm crusading for a whole lot of women."

"Which women, Momma? Which women are you crusading for?"

"All the women that want to be resurrected, son. Can you understand that when I say it in your own words? What the hell do you think I've been doing for twenty years?"

"Crusading for the Women of the Resurrection." I paused and treaded lightly. "Mom. Are you resurrected? What price did you have to pay?"

Mom sat silently and patiently, and looked around her, drinking in her desert solace and solitude like a long drink of amber ale. "I didn't pay a bartab, honey. I gave a gift of love and caring from my heart without expectation or demand. Son, that's the gift a woman takes to her resurrection."

"Do you get resurrected more than once? Like, over and over?" I asked.

"Do you get reborn to the present more than once? Wouldn't you want to? Wouldn't you want that all the time?"

"I'd want to flow to the center of my pattern and stay there. Who'd wanna leave again?"

"Oh but you have to. What if you wake up one day and there's no Dawn? Or no Halli? Or no Mommy? It happens. It will happen to you. Someone you love will require you to move away from your center and explore new patterns. It's called Loss and it makes you appreciate your patterns and your centers and where you've been and cherish them. Cherish them for the love and the joy you felt within them. And then you move on and you find a new pattern and you flow to the center again. This is your rebirth. This is the message of the Resurrected pattern."

When Mom and I climbed inside the truck, Dawn and Halli were sleeping heavily and sprawled across the bed. There was enough space between them for me and I crawled in lightly and fell asleep between two of the women of the new millennium.

Dawn rolled over and tucked herself into every concave piece of my body she could find. It was so electric I couldn't stay asleep. I put my arm around her and pretended I was a sponge soaking up Dawn water. Even our toes were engaged with each other's. We slept like this the rest of the night.

Very early the next morning, before the sun had come anywhere close to rising, the bed started shaking like we were in an earthquake. I bolted upright and the shaking stopped. I laid back in bed and the shaking started again. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. The shaking stopped. Halli was standing by the door with her hand on the vibrating bedswitch.

"Sorry you guys." she whispered. "I was trying to find the bathroom. Guess I hit the wrong switch."

I dropped back onto the pillow and fell asleep. Just then there was a whole new earthquake. "Halli!" I implored in a hushed voice.

"Sorry Daddy! It's just that it's so..."

"Compelling, baby." Dawn said informatively as she rose up in the bed. "You are compelled to touch the switch. It beckons you and calls for you to come to it."

"Like it knows your name. It calls out, Halli,... Halli come touch me." I gently teased.

"I'm going to sleep with Amanda. I'm only seven and you guys are scaring me."

"Come back to sleep with us, honey. Please, Halli?" Dawn asked her earnestly.

"Is it OK, Daddy? You guys were looking pretty, uh, compelling."

"You can be all the compelled you want, precious. You're only seven, remember? And we're capable of compelling ourselves when we feel..."

"Compelled." Dawn offered sweetly.

Halli returned to the bed with quiet pattering footsteps and climbed inbetween Dawn and me, if that was possible. We slept for the rest of the night in a tight little sweating pile of family. Mom stayed up for most of the night working on her book, and when we arose in the morning, her door was closed and a poster with a smiley face was on the door to her room. On the poster was written the words I Am Not A Morning Person.

We dressed quietly and went out to my car.

"Hey Halli! Wanna drive around in the desert?"

"Sure Daddy! Can I sit on your lap and drive?"

"You bet, honey. You're not in your Pantera so give the ol' Subaru a break, OK?"

"I'm gonna practice like I'm driving Amanda's truck. I'll go five miles an hour and stick my finger in the air at passing cars!"

"Sounds like a plan. And Dawn can sit in the front seat with her head on the dash so you have a cool plant to navigate with!" and I started tickling Dawn in the ribs. She grabbed my shirt with one hand and started tickling the contents with the other.

"See, this is the way to tickle somebody!" and did me with the strongest pair of hands that ever tried to prove I'm really ticklish. We started rolling around on the ground each trying to gain the upper hand. Halli sat in the car patiently waiting to go out in the desert.

"That's pretty compelling you guys. Maybe you should get in the car before we wake up Amanda." Halli said quietly.

Dawn and I got up slowly and cautiously each of us eyeing the other. "Truce, partner?" I stuck my hand out in offering.

"Peace, bro." and Dawn reached her hands out and hugged me with her therapeutic grip of massage and rubbed all the places she'd tickled me. It was worth rolling around in the dirt all over again. I got in the driver's seat and Halli sat on my lap. I let her drive us around on the hard desert floor for awhile. My trusted navigation plant sat next to me.

Halli reached over to the radio and cranked it up. A live version of Sugar Magnolia was playing.

"Were you ever a deadhead, Daddy?"

"Sure was, honey."

"More head than dead, sweetie." Dawn added and squeezed my hand in hers.

"Halli sweatheart. Do you know how to take the car out of first gear and put it in second?" I asked politely.

"I drive a Pantera, Daddy. Of course I do. But I wanna drive the way Amanda says she does it. Here, watch this!" and she stuck her left hand out the window and thrust it high in the air.

"Now honk your horn, honey!" Dawn suggested enthusiasticly.

Halli honked the horn a coupla times and then we came to a stop in the middle of nowhere. She cranked up the radio full blast and got out of the car.

"Hey you guys! Come dance!" she yelled at us. And we got out and danced in a little family circle. Just us and the desert.

Halli drove us back to the truck at five miles an hour and shot the bird at nothing in particular every little while. She practiced putting her hand on the radio and screwing with buttons just to see what it felt like to screw with them while she was driving.

When we got back, Halli ran inside the truck to see if Amanda was awake yet. She stayed in there and didn't come back out again. Dawn and I walked around some, holding hands and kissing each other.

"Billy," Dawn pulled me to her. "Your mother's the real woman of the new millennium. Me and Kelly are just there on a magazine cover. What's the term really mean, anyway?" and she was as genuinely confused as she was yesterday when she first saw it.

"Mom perceives it as a resurrection for women. A new era. A Dawning, if you will." and I smiled at her. "The term appears to be her creation..."

"Am I supposed to do anything? Anything in particular? How does a woman of the new millennium act these days? I'm raising a daughter and making adult videos and teaching people to ski and then putting them back together again in an orthopedic clinic. What's so millennial about that? How does that help resurrect women?"

"Dawn," I pulled her close to me and held her with her face comfortably close to mine. "You're a mysterious and intriguing woman. An elegant and famous loving woman with a kickass daughter and a bizarre love life. You set your own terms and abide by them. You'll tell the rest of the world to fuck off if they can't comply. That's millennialism. Mom's all over it."

"Your Mom seems to dig Halli alot. Are they friends, Billy?"

"They're plums on the same branch off the fruit tree. They're connected in a way neither of us readily understand because we're not experienced family types. We're both doing this for the first time, darling. They're more experienced than we are. They're not doing this for the first time. Either of them." I was treading exceedingly close.

"Billy, you've been totally cool about alot of things. Things you could hold against me and be angry. Amanda too. Why are you all so casual about the hurtful things? Why are you so able to be nice to me?"

"And love you and accept you and go on from there?" I asked.

"How? It's got to be hard. For the both of you."

"Because living without you and Tamara is not a desirable option. You show up one day and bring me love and a daughter and a sense of wholeness that changes me into a new person and I sit down and accept your terms. I sit down with myself and we negotiate a treaty that defines peace in my house. In my heart. And I abide this treaty and the world lives in peace. Wanna renegotiate the treaty or fight a war over it? We can do that too. But we have to be there at the table to understand the terms of the participants. I'd rather die than see you walk away from the table. We can renegotiate for the rest of our lives, but at least we're doing it together and that's such a part of togetherness that I couldn't see it any other way. Does that make any sense, Comrade?"

"Would you ever fight me for Tamara?" she asked and I knew we were getting somewhere.

"She's not a condition of a treaty, Dawn. She's a living breathing human being who thinks she understands her place in the world. Or in the sky as it were. She'll fight for her rightful place alot more readily than either of us, you or me. Can you see that, Dawn? Can you understand you have to let her go? We both do. She's a Hallidey and a Shannon and she's got her own little mind and a heart that beats for her own freedom. She didn't come out of a hot tub, woman. We designed her and you gave her your love and caring and you were reborn in her. You were reborn to the present. Now live in the present and enjoy your time here."

"Billy! You're starting to sound like Amanda."

"Then water and love the both of your plants and we'll love you in return and blossom and grow in your house. Us plants don't know from guilt and recrimination. We just want our water in timely intervals and we love to make you happy."

"And comfortable."

"Well said my love."

"Billy?"

"Yes Dawn?"

"I've been feeling kind of weird lately. Moody and happy and depressed and shit. It's like I'm on a roller-coaster. I get sick and wanna throw up and then I get all hungry and can't stop eating. I've only felt like this once before."

"You're already starting to glow. I know what you're trying to say, sweetheart. I love you and I love Tamara and I love our family. Halli loves us and there's enough love in her heart for every little Billy and Dawn that she ever calls her own. She's just like that. We make beautiful children and there's an abundance of love in our new little household. We will never run out of love, Dawn. You have so many people around you who love you and care for you. Don't you think it'll be easier than doing it all alone this time?"

Dawn reached to me and held me tighter and closer than she ever had. Between the way she smelled to me and the way she looked, she wasn't telling me anything I couldn't figure out for myself. Mom's help notwithstanding. She was glowing and radiant and happy and morose. She was a walking cauldron of emotions in a witches brew of female perogative. Only a select few would deign to place their hands into the mix and attempt to sip it.

"Dawn, how are you feeling right now? Are you in a good place, sweetheart?"

"I'm with you, Billy. I'm in a good place."

"Would you marry me, Dawn?"

She stood there with her mouth quivering and looked as frightened and as happy and as genuinely woman as I'd ever seen her.

"Why, Billy? Why do you want to marry me? Because I'm carrying your child?"

"Because you think enough of me to carry our next child and because you've loved me the way that I love you. Marriage is a strange and misapportioned item. If any two people in this world deserve to screw with it, it's you and me, Dawn. Let's screw with it and see what happens."

"Billy, this isn't like sitting in a hot tub enjoying each others' company. This is more serious shit. Don't fuck with me unless you mean it."

"You know I mean it. You've never met anybody in your life who you know in your own heart means it more than I do. That's why you've never been married. Or wanted to. Because you never met anybody you'd trust enough to believe they really mean it."

"So we're not sitting across the hot tub from each other with our hands on each other's hearts waiting to rip them out?"

"Awe Jesus, baby! I was so clueless I didn't know my ass from a water nozzle! I was this guy in a hot tub with a scary beautiful ski instructor! I didn't know she was the woman I really love and the mother of my child and that in a coupla months I would wanna marry her and have some more children! I just didn't know that!"

"And what do you know now, Billy? What's changed all that?"

"You have. You. Your daughter. My family. My feelings. The way you feel. These things have changed all that. I'm your first serious relationship and our hearts are exposed to each other as they never will be again. I'm not trying to make an honest woman out of you or an honest man out of me. No. I'm trying to bore into your soul and stay there for as long as I can. I want to bask in it like it was sunshine. I want to offer it gifts from the love and caring I have here in my heart. I want that you feel comfortable accepting them as a contemporary in a temple we build for each other on a hill above all the others."

"That's the cheesiest shit I've ever heard! I love you, Billy Shannon!"

"Is there a problem?"

"Yes!!" she shouted brightly.

"What's the problem, goddammit?" I hissed and it was starting to piss me off.

"Yes I'll marry you!"

"Really?! Like, are you sure?" but I got over it...

"I said Yes goddammit!"

And Dawn and I walked around the yard together like we were Siamese twins reunited. Stuck with each other til the end of time. Getting used to it. Exploring the togetherness.

Then Mom and Halli came outside and sat together on the ground. They were staring at us and giggling. I turned to Dawn and said, "Wanna have some fun, woman? Let's not tell them anything. How long do you think it'll take either woman of the new millennium to nail us?"

"Two, maybe three minutes. What do you think?"

"Within a minute. I bet you five dollars right now." and we shook on it.

We walked up to Halli and Mom. Dawn reached over to her daughter and gave her a kiss. Amanda was reaching into her purse and appeared to pull out some cash.

"Oh, Mommy! You look so beautiful! You look like a happy ray of sunshine! Doesn't she, Amanda."

"She looks positively reborn, little kissing star." Mom smiled.

"They have to stay together. With me too. She promised me, Amanda." Halli said imploringly.

"And she promised Billy also, sweetheart." And she reached up to hand Dawn a hundred dollar bill. "Keep the change but give Billy his five dollars. This is the desert, my darling daughter Dawn, and you can hear people talking a couple of miles away." Dawn sat down next to Mom and they hugged each other and rubbed their faces together.

"I wanna get married in the desert, Amanda!" Halli said.

"With snakes and coyotes and cactus, little star?"

"Oh, they don't scare me anymore. I want hypnotic. I want placid. They're so compelling!"

"Where would you like to see Billy and Mommy married, Halli?" Dawn asked adding a ring of importance for her daughter to enjoy.

"Anywhere, Mommy! Let's do it and not tell anybody. Except Kelly. You can't get married without Kelly there. Please?"

"Would you like to call her up and ask her to join us, Tam?" Dawn asked. "Is it OK, Billy?" and she turned to me.

"That would be wonderful. Call her, Halli. Mom? Would you care to do the honors?"

Halli sat on my lap and drove my mom and me and Dawn and Kelly and Chris to a spot we'd found on our numerous excursions into the desert. It was a place Halli had found. It was a special place that only special people would ever visit. She told me that herself. There, with Halli and Kelly holding hands and hugging each other every time they giggled, Mom pronounced Dawn and Billy as married as they wanted to be. That's exactly the way she put it too. Mom told us we could screw the State of Arizona, we were as married as we wanted to be. I told Dawn I wanted to be married alot. And she told me the same thing. Then we were married.

Mom did however, manage to produce a legal looking piece of paper that she said we needed to sign.

"I gotta send in five certificates a year or I lose my Powers." Mom said with happy embarrassment.

"How many do you have this year, Momma?" I asked.

"Oh, a coupla dozen maybe. But I've never married off my first born son. That's special, Billy. I'll always remember this. Thank you." and she kissed me.

Kelly walked over to us hand in hand with Halli. "Congrats you guys! You're the most beautiful couple I've ever seen together. I love you both so very much." and she hugged Dawn and me both. She was as stunning as Mom's sister plant.

"Amanda, they're beautiful. Thank you so very much for inviting me here." and Kelly hugged my mother and kissed her once politely. Chris was standing by the car with a video camera, recording the complete event. I walked over to Chris and we hung together casually.

"Cool life dude!" he offered. "You like your new wife?" he asked genuinely.

"She is my cool life, dude." and I handed him a beer.

"Do you think Kell's gonna have the hots to do me in the desert, mate? Like the way Dawn just did you?" and he handed it back to me.

"Why don't you ask her right now, loveboy? Mom can do you in a coupla minutes. You saw how complicated it is. But you gotta be sure enough for Kelly to go along with it. Without Kelly, you're left with a desert." I said helpfully.

Chris went promptly up to Kelly and asked her to marry him right now in the desert. She said Yes and Mom spent another five minutes in this special place joining two special people together in that special way. With another special certificate and she had a hat trick going. I worked the video camera the second time around. I figured I owed it to Chris and Kelly.

Halli stood with Kelly the whole time. She didn't let go of her sister's hand until Kelly went to kiss her new husband. Then Halli came over to me and hugged me where I stood. She didn't reach up or ask anything. She just reached into me and hugged her father and held him. She understood everything that was happening in her special place. She had chosen it and felt happy to see it used by special people.

"The two most special women in your life have just been married in your special place, Halli. You took us here yourself. Are you happy here, sweetheart?" I asked my daughter.

"Kiss me, Daddy." she asked and I reached down to put my lips upon her inviting little face.

She turned to join the happy couple. "Take me to Mommy. OK Daddy?"

Halli and I walked hand in hand over to Dawn, who was hugging and kissing Kelly with excitement. Chris was standing next to his bride casually and looking like a radiating point of happy rays himself.

Mom stood erect and delivered her pronouncement. "Women of the New Millennium. I have just married you off to the degree you find suiting! Go forth now and live your lives in the harmony and understanding that you find here today!"

Dawn and I strolled together far away from the truck and the rest of the wedding party. Everybody was paired off as a consequence of Mom's ceremony. Kelly and Chris were out walking around and Halli and Amanda were sitting beside the truck enjoying each other in the environment Mom found so nourishing to her.

"What are you thinking, Billy?" Dawn asked the same way she asked me in the hot tub that first time.

"I'm thinking about the first promise you ever made to me. You said, I'll rip your fucking heart out before you lay a hand on mine. That's exactly what you said. And I told you I expected you to do it. I don't feel that way anymore. How about you?"

"No. Me neither. I'm trying not to think that way. This is kind of new to me, Billy. I don't know what to think." she said.

"Are we intimate now? Can I stop cooling my jets?" and I thought about that drive to Denver with her.

"Run them up to full blast, baby. Let me have it." she said.

"Dawn, why did you do a video with Kelly? Was the oven that compelling?"

"I know what you're gonna say. Either get in or get out. Is that it?"

"Well, any ideas?"

"I don't know. I feel cut adrift. I took my own knife and sliced my own rope. But now I've got a daughter and a husband in the same little boat. You were right when you said some paint is going to spill out onto other people's canvasses."

"But just having a daughter and a husband is painting on other people's canvasses! And now we have one big canvass and we can all paint on it at the same time." I said. "Sure we're cut adrift and floating around in the same little boat. Everybody is. The whole river's so full of floating little boats that we can't help but bump into each other. And sometimes we take our brushes and make some marks on canvasses in the next boat. And sometimes, we decide to share our little boats. Like we're doing."

"Billy, sometimes I feel like I'm rocking the boat. And Halli. Halli was rocking the boat with Kelly and I just don't need that shit."

"Well you told them to sit down and behave themselves. What more can you expect to do?" I asked.

"Am I rocking the boat Billy? You can tell me. Please?"

"Dawn, it's kinda like, your boat. You can rock it all you want to. You'll know when it's time to stop. Or me or Halli will say something."

"But Halli is saying something. She's telling me to rock even harder."

"You live on a fast boat Dawn. You're not floating around like the others. You're on a fast sleek powerboat. With an oven onboard. Gasoline and an oven. South Florida has marinas full of fast powerboats with ovens on board. Halli's just sticking her head out on deck for the first time and checking out the view. Summit County is a different place altogether. You can't run your powerboat there. Sailboats are OK, though. It's windy enough to make life interesting."

"So you're saying I should trade in for a sailboat? Is that what you're saying?" Dawn asked.

"I'm not saying should or shouldn't. I'm saying you have a choice. Trade boats or buy more gasoline. You can afford the gas and you seem to like your boat. But Dawn, sooner or later you're gonna hafta show Halli how to drive it. If she gets off on her car, can you imagine what she's going to feel like driving your boat around? Keep her below deck for however long you want. That's up to you. Or let her feel her way around the deck for a better view. Then when the time is right, you can show her how to drive the boat."

"Or she can float out to sea on a liferaft because she was screwing around on deck behind my back."

"That was Kelly, Dawn. Halli was just standing there minding her own business and acting cute."

"She taught my daughter how to keep a secret from me. That's not what I need. It's not acting cute."

"And it's not like you didn't make your feelings known about it. What else can you do? What's done is done. What else is there?"

"There's deciding what we're really going to do about her. There's deciding what I'm really going to do about me. What should I do, Billy? What do you want to see happen?"

"I want to see us all happy. In our own little house of love, Dawn. Happy to be together and happy to be part of this family. Anything else is just that. Anything else. That's what I want to see happen."

"Well is there anything else you don't want to see happen?" Dawn asked like I was being evasive.

"I don't want to see you do anything you don't want to do. I wouldn't want that to happen." I replied.

"What should I do, Billy? Help me."

"What would you do if you didn't have a little girl?"

"I can't think like that, Billy. I do have a little girl. And now I have a husband."

"Having a little girl never stopped you before. Having a husband isn't like having another child around you. It's more like having another parent with you. Things are supposed to be easier, not harder. You don't have to think of me as another Tamara because I'm not. But we are going to have another child around the house and these issues are not going away. Decide who you are, Cassandra Dawn Hallidey Shannon. But don't do it for Halli or me. Do it for yourself and to your own satisfaction. That's when these issues will go away."

She and I walked a little farther and she didn't say anything. So I continued. "Wanna do an experiment? Just to see what it feels like?" I asked.

"Sure. What kind of experiment?"

"You're pretty good at not being famous. You just finished doing it for a year. A lowkey incognito life. You raised a daughter and went to school and taught skiing at below minimum wage. You say you did the video for the money. Big money you said. And you say you're a hot market item. Somehow there was a Cassandra at work that your daughter doesn't ever see."

"OK. Go on." and she stopped and turned to look at me intently.

"Let's just skip Vail. Kelly doesn't need any help winning her crown. We can go as far away from people as we can get. No television. No press. No fans. No video. No magazine covers. And you can call yourself whatever you want because it won't make any difference wherever we're going. You've already done enough for Kelly. Leave it at that and go into seclusion. If your video makes you a wealthy woman they can mail you your money. You sounded plenty happy to be burning your closet, Cassandra. Let's find a bigger closet but just for a little while. Let's see how long you can stay in the new one. If it sucks then just open the door. If it doesn't then leave it closed."

"Goddammit you make everything sound so simple! Nothing's that simple."

"It's an experiment. That's all. I didn't tell you to simplify. I said let's experiment."

"And you're saying let Kelly drive my boat while I'm off on vacation?"

"More like let Kelly tow your boat for you. She already has one of her own. She's not really our shipmate, Captain Cassandra. Her boat's even bigger than yours is! It's fast and develops incredible momentum. It's probably the fastest and biggest boat in the whole marina. I realize you didn't know that when you came up to the Basin with me that day."

"But you did. You hadn't seen the boat yet but you knew she would end up with the biggest one on the market. Something about Kelly struck you the way Amanda's plant struck her."

"Dawn, let me tell you something about Kelly. When I first told her she oughta start riding like a woman when she gets photographed, I was talking to one of the top contending snowboarders in the sport. She already had magazine contracts and endorsements. There were minor adjustments to be made on her presentation and the next thing you know she's ready for popular consumption. I didn't find Kelly growing silently in a backcountry snowfield."

"But why did you do it? Why did you go to all that trouble to have her at the Basin that morning? With me. And Peter. What made you go to the trouble?" she asked.

"Because I knew it would work. I was sure of it. More sure of it than Kelly was. But I had nothing to lose. The whole throw of the dice cost me seven hundred dollars and four phone calls. And a set of leathers. At least I got my money back." I said with a smile.

"Did you enjoy doing it? What did you get out of it?"

"I did it for the thrill of seeing it work. Sure I enjoyed it. Kelly's a cool person. I wouldn't have done it otherwise."

"Kelly's a compelling influence. I'm not sure that's what Tamara really needs."

"Yes. Kelly's a compelling influence. She's peddling her influence through televisions, magazines, photographs, and videotapes. There's a million Kellys out there getting compelled. Halli's just one of them."

"Halli's the one she tried to shove into the spotlight, Billy. She's the one we're talking about."

"Well hell. If hanging out with her adopted famous sister is a compelling influence, think about what hanging out with her own famous mother must be like. You can't shelter Halli from the influence, Dawn. You're the influence Halli lives with. You can't shelter Halli from you."

"I want what's best for my daughter. Period. That's the influence Halli lives with."

"Did you want what's best for your daughter when you released your last film? Or the one before that? Did you?"

"You're saying what everybody else is gonna end up saying."

"What? That you're an inadequate mommy? I'm not saying that at all. I'm not even drawing any connections between the two. But you are. And that's more important than what I think."

"But isn't that what will happen? Isn't that the connection people are going to make?"

"This isn't like you, Cassandra. This is more like Dawn still living in the closet. This doesn't sound like something I'd be hearing from the Cassandra Hallidey who became an adult film star while she was raising Tamara. This sounds more like a pregnant frightened Dawn. Are you frightened?" and I held her close to me.

"I'm frightened, Billy. I'm scared." she whispered softly.

"Of what, Dawn? What are you scared of?" I asked gently.

"I don't know. I'm just scared."

"Then let's be scared together. It'll be more fun that way."

"No. One of us can't afford to be scared." she said.

"Oh really. We're walking into a deep dark cave without a flashlight or a map and I can't afford to be scared? I'm adventurous by nature but I'm not stupid. I'll walk dark passageways I've never seen before but I can afford to be scared while I'm doing it. Being scared is healthy. I'd be a moron if I weren't scared and I'd probably be dead already."

"Without a flashlight or a map. Jesus, Billy. You really know all the right things to say."

"But we've both got good eyesight and common sense. And our love and our family and our friends count for something too. Do you have alot of friends, Dawn?"

"Not good ones. Not people I would really depend on."

"Well now you have a family. We're your friends too and you can depend on us. You can't depend on us to be perfect and not make mistakes, but you can depend on us to be your friends. Friends you can depend on."

She didn't say anything. She reached her hand up to my cheek and caressed it gently. Then she half-smiled the familiar look of artistic angst I saw in Peter. Half empty and half full at the same time is what that look says. Mournful and joyous but never one without the other. Not for any extended period of time.