Chapter IV (The Resurrected - A love story by Billy Shaw)

Tamara stood there in her little ski outfit looking like a smaller and even prettier version of Dawn. She was encased in a tight charcoal colored powder suit with white trim and a pair of white framed wraparound glasses atop her blonde hair. She'd slipped them up there casually when she saw me approach.

She smiled brightly and asked me if I wanted any raisins. She held out her hand and offered me the contents. I took a few and said, "Thanks, Tamara! Ready to go skiing?"

"Always! Do you need sunscreen? Mommy always makes me put on a bunch. Here." and she offered me her tube.

"Did you put yours on already?"

"Yes Daddy. But I gotta put some stuff on my lips. Wait." and she made a casual series of motions that women do when they apply lipstick. When she finished, her lips looked like juicy red apples. She offered me some and smiled.

"No thank you, sweetheart. When I first came out to Colorado, the first day I was working up at the Basin, I drew a smiley face on my forehead with sunscreen. And then baked it on out in the sun for the first four hours that I worked. Kids loved it. But it went away in a coupla days."

"That's not the way I heard it. I heard you wrote a dirty four-letter word across your face."

"Oh? And who did you hear that from?"

"You, Daddy. I heard you telling the story to one of your friends. You were talking on the phone."

"Well OK. But kids still would have loved it. Was that the first time you'd heard that word?" I asked.

"It's the first time I ever heard somebody write it across their face." and she giggled. "Come on, Daddy. Put your skis on and let's go skiing!"

Tamara already had hers on. Little deadly pieces of steel attached to stylishly complex looking white ski boots. She'd painted the name Tamara down the middle of each ski. In one hand she held a pair of carbon ski poles with pink dayglow handles. The baskets were the same color plastic.

We headed over to the lift and got in line. As our turn approached, Carl slid up to me.

"Hey Buddy. How's it going?" Then he looked down and saw Tamara. She smiled at him. Then he looked back up at me.

"Who's your date? My god she's beautiful!" he said with excitement.

"Tamara, this is Carl. Carl, this is my daughter Tamara." I said with a sublime glee. Carl was one of the first people who got to hear me perform that kind of an introduction.

Tamara held out her hand to Carl the way ladies of the court used to hold out theirs when they expected you to kiss it. Which Carl promptly did. He took her hand and held it to his lips and he bowed. "Hi, Carl! Wanna ride up the lift together?" And the three of us got on the lift. Me and Carl and my daughter in the middle.

"I never knew you had a little girl, man! How old are you, Tamara?"

"I'm seven and a half." she replied and looked at him with her large blue eyes. She slinked her eyelids with demur and asked, "Do you have kids, Carl?"

"No. Uh, I don't think so... Um, at least not yet."

"Do you want to have kids, Carl? Would you like to be a Daddy? Like my Daddy?"

"I don't know, sweetheart. I guess it depends on the woman." Carl said.

"Gosh Carl. Have you met her?" she asked politely.

"I don't really know yet, Tamara. Were you thinking about you and me?" Carl asked with a smile.

"No. You just seem to look sad. Did she leave?"

Carl finally looked at me and the next time he spoke he addressed me right over her head as if she weren't there.

"No goddammit. She just came back. And she's more pregnant than hell!"

"She came back, Carl? Where'd she go, Daddy?" and she looked up at me.

"Carl's friend used to live in another state, honey. She moved away last year and Carl's saying that she came back here to visit him. I think she's going to be a mommy!" I explained.

"She's living with me. Sitting there on the sofa like a giant potato living with me."

"So you're gonna be a daddy! That's great, Carl!" she said with happy animation. "Do you love her?"

"Good God! You're a little female Billy! Where did you possibly find her, man?!" and he looked at me in rapt fascination.

"You didn't answer her question." I tossed out coldly.

Tamara turned and asked me. "Daddy? Is that why she came back?"

"She's back because she needs money!" he protested.

"Carl, you don't have any money." I offered.

"Have you picked out any names yet?" Tamara asked him. She was fascinated with the whole process of little babies and being parents. Especially the part where we all love each other.

"She's partial to names of things in nature. Like Sunshine. Or Woody. Clover."

"LawnBoy?" I suggested hopefully.

"Daddy! There's Mommy! Look! Hi Mommy! Hi!" and she waved vigorously at a pair of women surrounded by a camera crew and some onlookers. Dawn looked up and waved happily back and blew her a kiss. She mouthed I love you honey and threw a big kiss to the both of us. She was wearing a single piece of cling fabric that encased her entire body. It was white with red tiger striping. At least it looked white. It may have been transparent. Dawn looked like a naked vixen with red stripes. There was a suede jacket tied around her waist by the sleeves. So the only time you got to see her butt was when she was in rapid motion or when the wind blew. At some point this morning she had managed to dye her hair bone white. There was red streaking through the white and it all glistened in the sunlight. I could tell from here that she had on glitter lotion. And she'd glittered her hair, too. The equipment on her feet looked brand new. More than brand new. And sure enough, there was a manufacturer's rep standing nearby her next to a photographer. She looked up and waved again, then turned down the hill and the entire group slid with her in unison, as if they were all floating together down the slope. Kelly was on her snowboard just behind Dawn. She was wearing the black leathers 'we' had given her and the two women danced as one in a slow and exotic slide onto video. I thought it was stunning to watch.

"That's my Mommy! Her name is Dawn." Tamara said to Carl with pride. "I sure like what she did to her hair, Daddy!"

"Is she an actress? A movie star? She looks really familiar."

"She does films for grownups." she said happily.

Carl looked at the little girl a few more seconds and then down the hill. And then he looked at me.

"Hey Billy! That's Cassandra Hallidey!" Carl knew more about this shit than I did! I'd never heard Dawn's film name before. And I certainly wouldn't recognize her on a ski slope. With new hair no less.

"That's Mommy's real name, too! Her friends call her Dawn."

"Cassandra Hallidey? ... is your mom?! Can you get me her autograph? Please? I'll be your friend and stuff! Please, Tamara?"

"Are you pleading with me?" and she looked up at me.

"I'm beggin' you. Can I meet her? Will you introduce me?"

"Yeah! I wanna meet her too!" and I started pleading along with Carl.

"Mommy's working with people right now. Cool it, you guys!" And as the three of us stood to get off the lift, Tamara turned and blew a kiss to one of the lift attendants. He smiled and waved to her and blew one back. Aw shit I was thinking. It's happening already. Or maybe it's been happening from the first breath she took. I wish I'd have known her then. And all the rest of that time, too.

"I'm heading off to meet a friend." Carl said to us both. "But I hope we run across you guys while we're skiing! Thanks for riding with me, Tamara! Don't forget my autograph, OK?"

"It's been great talking to you, Carl! Good luck being a daddy!" she smiled and waved to him as he slid away.

"So you're Tamara Hallidey?! Really?! Gimme an autograph just one oh won'tcha please please please?!"

"Daddy don't plead! Even just for fun. Please?" but she was a long way from pleading for it.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm sorry. I won't do it again."

And she skied off into a piercing blue sky and ran me ragged.

When Kelly rode a snowboard, you saw competitive ambition. When Dawn skied, you saw an erotic art show. When Tamara skied, you were engulfed in the joy of her motion, the way the tide does before it carries you off to sea. I skied behind her most of the time. She went faster than I usually ski. And she would look back at me and slow down in a series of graceful turns. I finally caught up with her.

"Did Dawn teach you to ski? You're great!" I said.

"No Daddy. She skis with me but she doesn't try and teach me anything."

"So where did you learn, Tamara?"

"I'm on a race team. For kids." she said.

"How long have you been on the team?" I asked.

"Since we came here. Last year. It's fun. Some of the boys are pretty mean, though."

"And the girls?" I asked.

"Oh they're all cool. We gang up on the boys and stuff. Daddy, you're cool. When do little boys start being cool like you are?"

I let that one slide. Maybe she would let me get away with it. "Sweetheart, do you have any nicknames you like being called? Or that you want to be called?"

"My name is Tamara Hallidey." she said and paused a moment in thought. "But you can call me Halli. Only you, Daddy. And nobody else unless I ask them to. OK?"

"Does anybody else call you that, Halli?"

"Nobody. Nobody but my daddy."

"Do you have grandparents, Halli?"

"They're both gone, Daddy. Mommy says they died. Like they're sleeping in heaven. They died before Dawn was a mommy. I think they died when Dawn was sixteen."

"Where did they live, sweetheart? Do you know?"

"Syracuse. In New York." she said. And she skied off down the hill. Way down the hill. I lost sight of her and meandered down at old people's pace.

When I saw her, she was surrounded by a throng of skiers. With cameras. And as I approached the group I saw three goddesses at the center of their attention. Dawn was leaning over to give Tamara a kiss and people were pointing and whispering to each other. I stood at the edge of the crowd and watched.

Kelly had taken off her snowboard and was walking over to Dawn and Tamara. Dawn put her hand on Tamara's shoulder and pointed to Kelly. And then Kelly reached over to Tamara and gave her a hug and kissed her. And one of them said something and they all giggled. Kelly was writing something down and handed whatever it was to Dawn. Dawn took it in one hand and a pen in the other and wrote something down. Tamara took Kelly's hand again and smiled. Then she reached up and hugged her mother again and kissed her. She turned, stepped into her skis, and came toward me. She came really close and stuck her face as high up as she could reach toward mine. I leaned over and put my ear next to her mouth like I expected her to tell me something privately.

"No Daddy! Lean over and kiss me!" she said in a hushed tone.

So I turned my head a little and kissed her on the cheek. She grabbed my neck and put her face next to mine. Then she turned both of us together toward a cluster of waiting cameras. She smiled and waved and smiled and turned toward me again and kissed me on the cheek while looking out at the cameramen.

"Halli," I whispered while I kept her pose going. "Are these people going to chase us down the hill now?"

"I hope so. Mommy's friend Kelly told me to play chase with them. Follow me!" And we skied off together, trailing about five or six photographers. We lost all of them within thirty seconds though. Then Halli came to a stop.

"Hey Daddy! That's Carl over there! Can we go say hi?"

"OK, but be sweet and nice to him. He doesn't need another Billy around him right now. OK?"

She nodded in confused agreement and slid across the slope to Carl and another man.

"Hey guys! Having fun?" Carl asked happily.

Halli handed him a slip of paper from her pocket and his eyes opened as wide as saucers as he looked at the object.

"Oh shit! Hey man, check this out! Lookit this!" and Carl held the paper up to his friend's face without relinquishing possession.

His friend looked at it and said, "Woah! Both of them! Nice score, Carl." He turned and winked at Halli.

Carl turned to me and Halli and said, "This is my attorney Scott Barber. Scott, this is Billy Shannon and his daughter Tamara."

Scott said, "Pleased to meet you both. It's a real pleasure." Whoever Scott was, he was dressed like he was skiing Lake Tahoe, a world apart from Summit County Colorado. He was even wearing an appropriate scent that seemed to augment his jewelry. I figured he was from L.A.

Carl said, "Thank you for this, Tamara! I owe you one." and he gestured with the paper in his hand.

Scott stuck his hand into a pocket and pulled out his business card. He reached out to hand it to me and said, "Mr. Shannon, give me a call when you get the chance. Would you?" and Tamara reached out for it, turned, and handed it to me.

"You bet, Scott. Any time good for you?" and I slipped it in a pocket.

"It isn't pressing. Any time you get the chance. Thanks!"

"Bye you guys! It was nice meeting you!" and Halli skied off.

Just then, five or so photographers came slinking up, each at their own pace. One of them caught his breath and asked, "You guys seen a little girl come through here?"

Carl turned to Scott and said, "I didn't see one. You see one?"

Scott frowned and said, "How little? Like a teenager maybe? I saw a snowboarder a coupla minutes ago. No little girls, though."

"OK thanks buddy!" and the guy skied off with his compatriots.

"She's even more beautiful than her mother, if that's possible." Scott said to me. "Call me."

I nodded and started skiing down the hill. When I got to Halli, she was posing for cameramen already. She had taken her skis off and was rolling around in the snow seducing a camera like she was lying on the beach. All cute and innocent. And sophisticated and elegant. One guy yelled, "Over here, Miss Hallidey." and she turned her head toward him and smiled. I stood behind them out of their sunlight. This could go on for as long as she wanted. They weren't going anywhere.

So I reached into my pocket and took out Scott's business card. In fact, he was an entertainment attorney from Beverly Hills. I figured Carl was planning on some commercial work or perhaps something a bit more ambitious. Maybe he was planning on not being around his pregnant potato for awhile. It was like Carl to subsidize a road trip in such a manner if he really intended on skipping out.

"Thanks guys! You're the best!" and Halli got up to put her skis on. "I'm going skiing with my daddy now!" and she skied right up to me and stuck her face near mine just like the last time.

I didn't screw it up this time.

"You learn quick, Daddy!" she said.

"I learn quick with two goddesses in the house." I replied.

"In my house? The one I get to draw?"

"You know, Halli. If you're not really sleeping you don't have to pretend that you are." Ah the gentle correcting hand of a parent. And the first time in my life too!

"Acting! Daddy. I was acting like I was asleep." she corrected.

"So you wanna live with me, baby?" I asked.

"Starting tomorrow?"

"You can come over tonight if you want. Better yet, let's both go over and help Dawn pack up later. Sound like a plan?"

"I love you Daddy!" and she turned to ski off.

We got down to the bottom of the hill and saw Kelly and Dawn doing what looked like an impromptu press conference. Halli and I stood and watched without getting in anybody's way. When it was over, Dawn walked over to me and Halli and grabbed both of us into a giant hug.

"Doesn't Dawn look great, Daddy?!" Tamara said with glee.

"Dawn feels great, sweetheart." Dawn said with a smile.

"Hi Kelly!" Tamara said adoringly.

"Hi kid! Did you have fun with your camera buddies?" Kelly asked with a laugh.

"Did I ever! Thanks!"

"Did you get everything you needed?" I asked Dawn.

"Yup. I think so. Alot of it's going into slow motion so we didn't need to spend two days on it. We got some killer aerials with Kelly. Both of us. It'll rock."

"Solid! Wanna eat lunch with Tamara and me? Kelly, you wanna come too?"

"We need to go over all the new footage before this evening. And ship it tonight. But my producer's doing all the footwork. I might be home by seven or so. Sound good?"

"Mommy! Daddy and I are gonna start packing up so we can move over to his house. Is that OK?"

"That's splendid, baby! I'll be home to help as soon as I see what Kelly and I are going to look like on a TV screen." and she gave her a big hug. And kissed me. Long and lovingly. "So she was pretending to be sleeping?" she offered to me in a low voice.

"Acting! Mommy. Acting!" I said with a smile.

"Bye Mom! Bye Kelly!"

Halli and I carried our skis back toward my place. Her new home was at the very base of the complex, within easy walking distance.

"Daddy?"

"Yes Halli?"

"Are you glad you're my father? That we found you and stuff?"

I dropped my skis on the ground and kneeled down and took her into my arms. Two tiny streams of tears started forming, one in each eye. I held her close and squeezed her as hard as I squeezed my eyes. I looked at her, face to face, and she saw my tears start to stream. And I held her tightly again and felt my body start to shake in its teariness. I wiped my face, tears and all against her face and she kissed me and wiped the tears with her lips.

"I've missed you, Halli. All my life I've missed you and you're the best little girl any man could ever want. Especially a daddy. Any daddy. But especially yours."

"Do you love Dawn, Daddy?"

"I love Dawn very very much with all of my soul. But that's different than the love I feel for my daughter."

"Do you ever cry for Dawn like you're crying for me?" she asked.

"We'll see when the time comes. But for now, you're daddy's little girl and Dawn is Billy's loving partner and friend as well as the mother of my daughter. Always be nice to her, OK? Always."

"Daddy, I can't mess with her the way I can mess with kids..."

"Have you figured out why?"

"Mommy says it's because she can stay like, one crayon ahead of me on the page. Does that make any sense? I think it does when she says it."

"Does it bother you that she can do that?" I asked.

"I'm just glad she's my mommy."

"Me too, Halli." and I winked. "So we're gonna both be really nice to her?"

"Yes, Daddy. We'll be nice to you too. Pick up your skis. You're taking me to lunch. Dawn abhors restaurants and I never go anyplace cool."

"Where in the world did you learn the word 'abhor'? Pretty fancy word, Halli."

"I learned it from you, Daddy. I heard you use it on the phone and I asked Dawn what it means. You use alot of words I hafta check out with Mommy. She told me so."

So I spent all that time on the phone across the wall from you programming my daughter and never even knew it! "That's pretty scary, Halli. I never knew I was raising a little girl."

"So can we go eat? Now, Daddy?"

"Yes Halli." and I was as hooked as any other guy she's ever going to meet in her life. The difference was I was going to end up having to do something disciplinarian sometime, and I fully intended to be able to get away with it. Uniquely me. Nobody else would be able to get away with it. But I would. And she might love me for it all the more. Meanwhile, we both knew with dead certainty that we were the best things to ever happen to each other.

"Daddy, would you carry my skis for me?"

"OK, Halli."

And she took me by the hand and led me to the restaurant of her choice. It was the one with the most people in it.

We left our skis in a rack outside, and entered the restaurant. Halli acted like she was my exceptionally short girlfriend and asked for a table in the nonsmoking section.

"Dawn says you smoke, but I never see you do it. Did you quit?" she asked.

"It's hard to smoke and watch another minute or two of my life slip away from me. Now, that is. I didn't really care four weeks ago." I said.

"Dawn's the same way, Daddy. I haven't seen her smoke but one cigarette since she started going out with you. And that was at the bowling alley. Remember?"

"Halli, you asked me a question and I owe you an answer."

"OK, Daddy. About little boys?" This lady didn't miss a gaddamned thing. It was scary.

"They don't all end up cool. That's just how it is. The trick is to figure out how long it'll take you to lose the ones who just won't grow up."

"But Daddy! I'm seven years old. None of them have grown up. Some of them are pretty cool, though. Do you think Carl likes me?"

"Carl will throw himself in front of a truck if you tell him to. Cool touch with the autographs, Halli! That was nice."

"Daddy, does Carl wanna be a daddy? He doesn't sound very happy. Shouldn't he be happy?" she asked innocently.

"I don't know. Maybe. Do you want to ask him? I certainly would, but not until he looks like he's ready to talk about it. Do you understand what I'm saying, Halli? We need to be gentle and polite when we butt into other people's business. Or not ask at all."

"You can't but I can. I'm seven years old. I can ask anybody anything I want."

"If you say so, sweetheart. But you won't always be seven."

People in the restaurant started pointing and whispering and looking at our table.

I heard a voice from behind her. "Miss Hallidey, would you sign this for my dad? He's kinda shy and stuff." and a tall blonde boy about eleven or twelve stood near the table looking down and not making eye contact with either of us.

She took a piece of paper from him and scribbled, "With Love, Tamara Hallidey" and gave it back to him. And reached up and kissed him on the cheek.

"My first fan! Oh God Daddy! My first autograph!" She squealed with enthusiasm.

"Man, nobody's asking me for my autograph." I bitched.

She looked at me compassionately and shoved a napkin in front of me with a pen on top. And said, "Here, Daddy. You should start practicing. Like I do."

"Practicing? You practice signing autographs?" I asked as I took her offering.

"Daddy. Do you love Dawn?" she asked. "I think she loves you alot."

And by gawd she started blushing. I'll just bet she can do that at will just like her mommy!

"You're a wonderful little goddess, sweetheart. Wanna meet my mommy?" I asked.

"Sure, Daddy! I've seen her on TV. She looks like Pocahantas' granny. Is she cool?"

"She's cool."

And then she devoured her food the way a lioness gropes at her prey. Until it was all gone. Had I sired a mutant female species here? She was beyond divine. She was Halli. Her own creation and at least a decade more advanced than Kelly, at least as far as autographs.

"Halli dear."

"Yes Daddy?"

"What do you think of Kelly? Do you like her?"

"I like Kelly alot! She's pretty cool. She signs alotta autographs. I wanna do that too! Everybody loves Kelly! Do you love Kelly Daddy?"

No Carl, I don't know where I got this kid. She just appeared one day and started calling me Daddy.

"I love Kelly kinda the same way you do, Halli. She has a boyfriend named Chris who loves Kelly the kind of way Mommy and I love each other. Does that make sense, sweetheart?"

"I guess so."

Halli and I went back to her place and started boxing up everything that wasn't in Dawn's room. I wasn't about to intrude into her space like that. We had everything from their apartment in my car and moved in a few hours. Then we came back and waited for Dawn to show up.

"Daddy. Can we invite Kelly and Chris to hang out with us in your hot tub?"

"Sure Halli. Do you want to invite them over tonight?"

"Yeah! That would be great! Would you call them for me? Please?"

"Sure, sweetheart. I'll do it right now."

I went to the phone and called Kelly. She said Dawn was busy with some of the camera crew and would be home later but that she and Chris could get away earlier.

"Halli. They're coming over about seven. Sound good?"

"Cool! Thanks Daddy!"

That nailed down, we went back to my place and Halli started unpacking.

She stayed completely off my turf. She set up everything she owned within the confines of her own little bedroom. And then closed the door. Standing outside of her room she said, "I'm here, Daddy. This is where I live now. Wanna check it out?" and she took me into the intimate abode of a woman yet in bloom. I was entranced.

"Halli Baby! It's you! You be stylin' on da flipside now honey!" She kissed me and disappeared into her private space. "Come back in an hour, Daddy! I gotta shower and stuff."

"To go to the hot tub?" I inquired.

"Go away Daddy! I need my space!"

"Enjoy it, Halli. Enjoy your space in our new home. It's yours now. The hot tubs and the swimming pool are yours too." And I hauled it the hell outa there before she could demote me in the ranks of her cult or whatever. I've had women move in with me before. But this was the first time I'd ever had a seven year old move in. I just hoped she would like it.

Halli and I were sitting in the tub when Kelly and Chris arrived. They went upstairs and changed into water garments and returned looking like true bearers of the gift of love. Tamara bounced casually on my lap. "OK you guys! Come in the water with us!" And they complied.

"Kelly?" Tamara's little voice beseeched. "Do you really love Chris?"

"He's my sheep in farmer's clothing, dearie." she said.

"What in the world does that mean?" Tamara asked and giggled.

"He's the man I tend farm with, little lady."

"Do you love him?" she asked again patiently.

"Yes, Tamara. I love him. Alot." and Kelly and Chris held each other in the water and became a couple in the eyes of my daughter's ultimate curiousities.

"Daddy?"

"Yes, dear."

"What are they doing?"

"They're being a couple, honey. I'm pretty sure they're in love."

"They look like they're breathing for each other."

"Kelly! Is that love? When you breathe for each other?" she asked intently. "Are you guys in love?"

Kelly swam up to Halli and spent about five minutes talking privately about god only knows what. Meanwhile, I sat and talked with Chris about nothing in particular. Chris was being pretty Chrislike. Kelly on the other hand, was engrossed with Halli. And Halli was fascinated in return. Everything about Kelly seemed to fascinate the little girl.

"Hey guys!" Kelly offered politely. "Tamara wants to hear me tell Chris that I love him!" And she stared right into her boyfriend's eyes. "I love you, Chris."

"I love you too, green eyed lady." and they melded as one in the middle of the pool.

"Kelly, what's it like to be famous?" she asked.

"I don't really know, love. I haven't been famous for that long. Ask your mommy."

"But everybody loves you when you're famous. Right?" Halli asked.

"Beats me. Do you want everybody to love you, Tamara?" Kelly asked.

"Oh yes, Kelly! I want everybody to know my name and love me and ask for my autograph. Like you!"

"Why, Tamara?"

"Because. Just because."

"Because why?" Kelly asked.

"Oh, I don't know. I wanna be loved the same way everybody loves Mommy. You love Mommy, don't you? Everybody loves Mommy! I wanna be loved too!"

"Is it really important to you, Tamara? To be loved by everybody? By total strangers?" Kelly asked.

"I want to be loved! Like you and Mommy!"

Kelly looked at me like things were slipping out of hand.

"I want to be loved like everybody loves everybody else!"

And then Tamara started to cry. I held her up and looked into her face. She was a little package of tears. Really crying. Like she hurt herself.

Chris and Kelly both swam over to Tamara and held her closely. Like family. Kelly said to her, "Tamara Hallidey. You are a wonderful happening and you are beautiful like your mommy and daddy there. Listen to them and you'll be as beautiful. Do it, angel. For yourself. Your mommy and daddy are as beautiful as the angels that you dream about at night. Reach to them when you're too high to see the ground, baby. Reach to them when you know you're alright but they might be a little too high. Reach to them and pull them back to earth. And in return, we'll reach to you and pull you back to the family from which you flew. Are you with the program, Tamara?"

And Halli reached out to Kelly and hugged her with the ferocity of a little woman deprived. Like part of a species slighted and ignored. Kelly took my little angel to the side of the pool and laid her on a fluffy towel with another two wrapped around her. And another over her head. Then she was out cold. It must have been a long day for her, little like she was. A sleeping little angel tended to by higher ranking beings.

I took my sleeping little angel to my room and left her on my bed. I went back to Kelly and Chris. "What was that all about, mate?" Chris asked impatiently.

Kelly hit him squarely in the ribs with her elbow and waited for me to say something.

"It must be an angst thang. I haven't figured it out yet. I really thank you guys! You're helping me out alot here and I appreciate it."

Kelly spoke. "She's a hard little case, Billy. She's just like you and it's not helping any. Call me tomorrow and let's get together. The three of us. Four if Dawn is around. She's way too special to turn to the winds. I love her. I love your daughter, Billy." And she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. "Tell Dawn I love her, too. Will you?" And they left me with a newer sense of belonging of which Kelly was clearly capable. She was going to be the bridge between Dawn and this newer generation, regardless of who the newer happened to be. Even Dawn's own daughter. As if being Dawn's first born was a burden only the two of them really knew about.

I woke up to a gentle brushing hand on my cheek. It wasn't Halli's. It was Dawn's. She looked at my face and at Tamara's and reached out to hold me. "Kelly says you two threw quite a party here tonight."

"Tamara's found a demon or two. And some angels. How you doing, baby?" and I pulled her to me and kissed her. "How did the video turn out? Are we gonna build a house on red stripes and bone blonde hair?"

"Billy! It's not like anything I've ever seen before! Kelly was a knockout! And I climbed the ladder I always feared to touch. We're there, sweetheart. I'm gonna leave the industry in my wake and make up some new rules for playing this game."

"You're leaving two industries in your wake, darling. Snow and sheets, Cassandra Hallidey style. If it works then you're a groundbreaker. If it doesn't, then we pick Kelly up offa the snow and dust her off the same way she would us. Or your daughter. Kelly was great with her."

"She loves Tamara. We talked about it tonight. She wants to get together with her tomorrow and she said you'd be there." And she kissed me. And again. "Are you cool with it, Billy?"

"You bet. And Tamara worships her the same way Kelly worships us. It's like your leather without the pants. You gotta see them together, Dawn. They're..."

"Mutually divine?" She giggled as she said it.

"The Goddess Kelly and Divine Little Halli."

"Halli?"

"It's that special daddy nickname your daughter chose for herself. But only from me. Are you cool with it?"

"Halli?"

"She thought it up herself. Said it was mine and mine alone. Are you jealous, Miss Hallidey?"

"Yes I'm jealous! It's a perfect name! She told you to call her that?"

"Just me and her. Not even around you."

"Halli Hallidey! Aw fuck!" She seemed really annoyed.

"I'll accommodate that, but we oughta put Halli into her own bed first, if you think it suits your loving passions for the darkness, Oh Mother of Halli..."

"And she disappeared with a buncha photographers! What was that all about?"

"They fell in love with her. Even had them calling her Miss Hallidey while she rolled around in the snow. A second grader and they're going at her like she's you. Scary, huh? Think about it, Dawn. She's taking your example as far as her little mind can perceive it. And she doesn't fail to make it work. It's creepy. She's natural and she's you and she's Kelly all at the same time."

"This really scares me, Billy. I'm not good with this at all." and there was trembling in her voice.

"Speak to me, Dawn I'm listening."

"Fame is a viciously efficient oven. And some people just love to cook in it. I don't know why we do it. I really don't."

"Halli wants to be famous like you are. So people will love her. That's what she said and then she started crying."

"Aw Jesus! What happened, Billy?"

"Kelly and Chris attended to her like guardian angels. They told her you and I are her special people in this world she can depend on. Sweet, huh?"

"Let's move her into her own room, OK?" Dawn said.

And that's exactly what we did with the little dreamer. As big as her dreams were, they just weren't as complete as they were gonna be once she really believed how much her parents really loved each other. And her too. Especially her.

Dawn made me say it. Over and over as many times as I made her listen to it. "I love you, Dawn Hallidey. I love you I love you." She was like Halli but a bit more focused.

"I love you Billy Shannon. I love you, Billy." And we loved and made as many little Billys and Dawns as the night would allow. And we were as passionate as little Halli would have wanted us to be. Yet something nagged at me that said this is incomplete.

As I lay there in the darkness next to Cassandra Dawn Hallidey, I indulged in a little theoretical reality with myself. She was on the brink of the same fame that would carry Kelly into international consciousness. Halli would choose to ride in the front seat and make sure everybody loved each other and especially her. Then she would try to take over the world as soon as we would let her. Three women with one overwhelming passion for attention. Three women each in love with the other and respectful of the others' dreams. But little Halli had no idea about fame. Or the scope of its oven. They were all in the same casserole and cooking together. Dawn and Kelly loved basking in the heat. And I had a pretty good idea that we'd be pulling Halli out kicking and screaming and begging to go back in. Dawn loved living at broil; she wasn't cooking, she was maintaining like she was sustaining an even tan. Kelly might or might not develop a taste for the temperature but she sure loved the oven, and that was a prerequisite for where she intended on going. It was Halli who could burn to a cinder first. And we were going to sit down tomorrow and make goddamn sure that each one of us, myself included, knew how to operate the oven. And if necessary, how to put out a kitchen fire.

Dawn spent the morning moving the rest of her household over to her new home. She checked out of employee housing and got into my car.

"Think they'll retire the key when they find out who's been living there?" I asked her. "Just how far out of the closet are you coming, Miss Hallidey?"

"I gotta kind of cool it around Steadman once the clinic gig starts, but other than that I'm burning the closet and everything in it. Billy! You don't know what it was like to live in my closet. And yet it was a comfortable place to hide."

"And raise your daughter. So you can stop being so hard on your closet. So as far as you and me and Tamara and the world are concerned, you're Cassandra Hallidey now? I notice you haven't worn your fake color contact lenses for a long time. Are you keeping the bone blonde and red streaked hair? I hope you do. It's incredibly you."

"Billy, there are precious few people in the world capable of living in the Hallidey household. I've never been sure that you're one of them. Or that you deserve to be butchered and racked and then tossed in my oven."

"And you think that if people start calling me Billy Hallidey I would sing the blues and shoot heroin until I destroy myself. Is that it?"

"In a nutshell. Nice analogy. Touche."

"And now?"

"You're stronger than I gave you credit for. I used to think you were a weak and hypersensitive artiste with a temperament. And that was the last thing I needed in my household. But you cry when you need to and you kick ass when you're not crying. That's a rare combination in a stable adult male. Peter starts falling apart around himself. Chris is a block of wood with a kind heart and a big penis. You just keep getting more and more Billy and it's fun to be around. It's fun to watch you do it, baby. You're enjoying this whole trip, aren't you?"

"It's intoxicating. But I can do without the fame thing. That's your rap. I don't mind being Cassandra Hallidey's quiet housewife. We've got a daughter to raise. Speaking of which, let's pick her up and go over to Kelly's. And thanks."

"For what?"

"For telling me I'm fun to be around."

"I don't want to give you a bigger head than you've already got, but you're unique. Truly one of a kind. I'm so glad we had Tamara, Billy. Can you imagine life without her?"

"Not now. I could have imagined it a coupla months ago. But I can't imagine life without you either, Dawn."

"Do you still enjoy your loneliness? The way I enjoyed my black lipgloss?" and she giggled.

"I haven't even thought about it for weeks. But it's like a pair of ski boots stashed in the hall closet. It's there when I need it." I said.

"Will you tell me when you're ready to use it again? The loneliness. It's just easier and quicker than trying to pick up on signals the way most men leave you guessing."

"Sure. It's a promise. But I can't see indulging myself like that with Tamara around me. Or with you around. I know it's a lonely role to be Cassie Hallidey's man maybe, but it certainly isn't a lonely role to be Tamara's. She'll keep me engaged with the world when you're not around me the way you are now."

"So you sound like you're on the same page I am with things, Billy. I never asked you to assume these roles. But you have and you seem comfortable with them. Will you tell me when it starts cramping your style?"

"Yes. That's a promise. But before I make any more promises, didn't you tell me that words don't mean anything to you when we talk about relationships and expectations? That you'd make me say something just to make me say it? Are you over that and ready to hear real words with real meaning? Are you?" I asked.

She looked at me in awe. Like I was about to discover a new continent. She stared in silence waiting for landfall.

"Dawn, you're vulnerable. You're in a relationship now and words mean something and you can be hurt. It's the first time for you, isn't it, baby?"

"Yes." she said hoarsely with a trembling voice.

"Let's go pick up our daughter, sweetheart." And we parked the car, got out, and went upstairs to get Tamara. We left most of Dawn's stuff in the car for now, but we carried some of her more critical items upstairs.

Dawn had maybe hedged a little bit when she used to tell me about babysitters. I had no more intention of plaguing Halli with a babysitter than Dawn did. Maybe last year but certainly not now.

Tamara was in her room putting pictures up on her walls. She had already put a cork pinup board on one wall over her desk. On her bed was a large colorful poster of her car, the Pantera. Not just any Pantera. As I looked at the poster I saw that she was actually in the car. She was driving casually and waving at the camera.

"Here Daddy! I want you to have this poster. You don't need to put it up anywhere. I just want you to have it."

"That's cool, Halli! Thanks!" I said. She rolled it back up and put it in a plastic sleeve.

"I'll just hold onto it for you so you don't start putting it up here where I have to look at it all the time." she said with a smile.

"Oh! So when we build a house I can put it up in my poolroom."

"Yes Daddy! Exactly!" she said with delight.

"Are you ready to go over to Kelly's, Tam?" Dawn asked.

"OK! Do you need help with your stuff, Mommy? Is it in the car?"

"Let's go bring it up here, Tamara." I suggested. "You and me and Mommy can have it done in two trips." And we all went downstairs to the parking garage and moved Dawn into our home.

We went over to Kelly's and she was alone there. She stood casually and asked us in. Kelly was barefoot and wore faded jeans and a green suede shirt. The first thing she did when we got inside was lean down and embrace Tamara. Then she stood up and hugged Dawn and then me. She looked happy to be hosting us. In fact, she glowed. Me and Dawn would glow at each other. Like in Denver. But Kelly glowed like a lighthouse. It connected with everybody all the time. What a gift! Well, for Kelly at least.

We sat in her living room, the four of us, on a shag rug with a bunch of pillows. She was playing Miles Davis on her system but I had to strain to really hear it. A low slung table held glasses and some fruit juice. There were cookies and cheeses, too. And some fruit.

Kelly turned to Tamara and said, "Want some fruit? It's really good. There's kiwi there too." And in her casual New Zealander voice she addressed Tamara and Dawn both. "I scored us a killer condo in Vail for three days. Wanna party, girls?"

I caught the ball quick. "There's gonna be photographers and press people and television crews and they're all going to be pointed at Kelly. And thanks to a video we're making, they're all going to be pointed at Kelly and Dawn. In fact, the whole world as they know it is going to be pointed at Kelly and Dawn. How much of that attention are we going to allow Miss Tamara Hallidey to enjoy?"

"Alot, Daddy! I have an article all about me coming out in a magazine! With pictures and everything!"

"What?!" It was Dawn.

"In Elle, Mommy! A magazine!"

"Holy shit! Oh just, Jesus Christ! What?!" It was Dawn again.

"Halli," Well oops I slipped but she didn't flinch when I said it. "these photographers just walked up to you and said they were from Elle?"

"Yeah!"

"They can't do that without asking me! How can they do that without asking me?! How?!" Dawn asked and looked right at Kelly like she was ready to kill her. "What do you know about this?"

"Well, I know she's got one kickass attorney. I lined it up myself." Kelly said.

"Don't tell me. I wanna try and guess." I said. "I'm seeing a name." and I stared into my scary secret psychic space. "I'm seeing a face, here. I'm... I'm..." Then I turned to Kelly. "I'm seeing Scott Barber. Your attorney was right there on the slope! Shit!"

"Tamara, my little baby?" It was Dawn. "Can I call you Halli too, like you let your Daddy? I'd really like to, you know."

"OK. And Kelly can, too. Do you want to, Kelly?" She looked at Kelly expectantly and waited.

"Sure, Halli. I'd love to. It has a lovely ring to it."

"Halli."

"Yes, Mommy?"

"Why do you want to be famous?"

"Because I can't stand not being famous. It scares me and I wanna be loved. Like you are. And Kelly."

"Dawn. Halli signed her first autograph yesterday."

"Aw shit. Oh just, aw shit." It was Dawn again. "This isn't what I had planned. This sucks. It really does. This just sucks. Billy! How could you let this happen? I left her alone with you for one day. One goddamned day!"

"Dawn," Kelly said. "Don't blame Billy. I did it and nobody else did it."

"Is Halli what you told Elle your name is?" I asked.

"My name is Tamara Hallidey. My closest friends and family call me Halli." She said it like she'd been saying it all her life. Which was clearly impossible. And she practically said it with a New Zealander accent.

Dawn started crying. Halli moved toward her in the floor and looked up into her face.

"Mommy. Mommy! It'll be OK. OK?"

I moved to Dawn and held her tightly to me. She grabbed me tightly and held on. Then she racked her body with tears and sorrow and whispered over and over "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Kelly started rubbing her shoulders for her. We all sat in silence tending to Dawn and watched her pain cry its way back to self-forgiveness. Which we both knew wouldn't ever happen.

"I'm so sorry, Billy! I was, ..., uh, I, just oh shit! I'm so sorry, baby!" She kept looking at me and crying and looking at me and running her hands over my cheeks.

"Mommy please stop crying! Please?" Halli implored.

I wanted to say something and I know Kelly wanted to. But each of us sat there engulfed in what we both knew was something primordial between a mother and her daughter. For Kelly's part, she was butting out. But I didn't. It just came out.

"Dawn, I want all the guilt gone. Away. Wiped clean with my trusted magic wand. But I lost it goddammit. But you still have yours, and I need for you to use it now. Before the first photographer ever sticks a camera in the face of Halli's mother. Cry if you need to. For days if you want. And your family will be there for you. Always. But you don't need the guilt. You can lose it now."

"Mommy? Did I do something wrong? I didn't mean to make you cry."

And we all looked at Halli and she started crying too.

"Who the hell is Scott Barber?" Dawn asked Kelly sharply.

"He's my attorney, Dawn." Kelly said with greasy reassurance in her voice. "Elle came to me about a week ago. I didn't have time to do a spread so I turned them on to Halli. I told them the whole story about the Cassandra Hallidey video and Vail. The whole issue is us. The Vail Issue. I'm serious. Cassandra Hallidey and Kelly Stone. And Tamara Hallidey. Only her closest friends and relatives call her Halli. Dawn, it's a fashion magazine. It's not Hustler."

"Dawn. You can handle this, Dawn." I said like I was trying to defuse a bomb.

"So how many people in this world are running around calling you Halli, sweetheart?" Dawn asked her daughter.

Halli looked around the room and back at her mother.

"Billy, I need help raising Halli. Will you help me?" and there was pleading in her eyes.

"Will you help me?" I looked at Halli, asking her.

Halli looked at Kelly and said, "Kelly can help, too. I want Kelly to be my big sister. Want to, Kelly?"

And Kelly hugged Halli tightly. "Yes, love. I can be your big sister, sis." and Halli kissed her and gave her a hug.

"Can I get famous now? Can I Mommy?" Halli said and sat back down where she was when the conversation started. She reached over for fruit. And then cheese. She ate them the same way she devoured her lunch yesterday. Like a lioness over fresh kill. It would be understatement to call her scary. I turned to her and spoke. But I was really speaking to Kelly. With any luck, Halli wouldn't understand a word of it.

"OK, Halli. Let's talk about it. To start off with, there's a snowboard championship in Vail. With a small band of devoted followers and some television coverage. And then Kelly and your mom create a minor sensation for Kelly with some human interest. Now more people turn on to the scene because Kelly's there and wadda ya know, so is Cassandra Hallidey. And it makes Vail a little more interesting. And then Kelly wins and they crown her the number one snowboarder in the world. And it makes Vail alot more interesting. And that makes their video alot more interesting. The world is fascinated because Kelly and Cassandra are two of the most beautiful and photogenic women in the world. And then they start showing up in magazines and fashion stuff and add to the personas that make these women tick. And they get fanmail and publicity and people ask for their autographs in restaurants. In hallways. And in the bathroom. But they're not just any women. They're rebel women. Women women, if you know what I mean. They're canning alotta rules, here. But they happen to be famous because of the rules they break and the way they look."

Halli was staring at me intently. In rapture. I didn't know if she understood a single word I said. But I knew that Kelly did. I continued. "That was before yesterday. Today, it's gonna end up a little different. We're all at Vail and there's a buzz in the air about this Kelly and Cassandra thing. The buzz is there because we put it there. And Miss Tamara Hallidey is there, too. And she's looking for the same fame through the same human interest story as Kelly and Cassandra, Tamara's mother. Do you see the position your mother is in, sweetheart? Do you see what you've done?" And I looked at Kelly.

"Fame is professional, Billy." Dawn said. "Family is personal. No seven year old is expected to know the difference. Cut her a break." And she looked at Kelly too.

"Are you going to cut your mother a break, Halli? I'll cut you the same break you cut Dawn." I said suggestively but still addressing Kelly.

"I'm seven years old. Mommy just said so."

"Fame is for professional famous people, is what Mommy just said, sweetheart. Family is personal. It's for everybody. Do you understand the difference, dear?"

"I'm seven years old, Daddy. And you're not making any sense! Neither is Mommy."

"Halli," Kelly finally piped in, "you're about to make Cassandra Hallidey the most famous mommy in the world. For her, there won't be any personal. That's not what she wanted. We've only made life harder for Billy and Dawn. We both did. That's the cost for your fame, sweetheart. That's the price you're going to pay to be famous. We can call off the whole deal right now if we want to. We can call Scott and bring this to a stop here and now. It's up to us, honey. What do we want to do?"

"It's not up to her and it's not up to you either. Neither of you. She's seven years old." Dawn said with venom. "It's up to me because I'm her mother. Period. Do you understand that, Kelly? Don't say anything. Just shake your head up and down like you understand what I'm saying."

It was sinking into Halli and Kelly. You could read it in their hesitations.

"Daddy, help me. Please? I'm scared."

"Dawn and I both love you very much, Halli. We're stong enough to see you through whatever you choose in life, honey. Trust us. Really we are." and I looked toward Dawn and raised my eyes to her. "But you're seven years old and you're not doing anything your Mommy says you're not doing. Are you OK with that?"

"Mommy, I'm sorry I made you cry. Will you forgive me?" she asked.

"Yes, Miss Tamara Hallidey." she said with a tearful giggle.

They reached to embrace each other and Dawn let go of my hand. Kelly and I looked at each other and I mouthed the words fuck you at her with animation.

"Halli, honey. Come here to Kelly and me. I want to ask you something." I said.

"Yes, Daddy?"

"Halli, are you jealous of famous people like Kelly and your mother? Is that what last night was all about?"

Halli looked confused. Like she was ready to cry again.

"Halli, do you love Dawn?" I asked, trying to frame something in words this little girl would understand.

"I love Dawn very much, Daddy." and she walked over to Dawn. "I love you, Mommy. I love you and Billy loves you too." and they hugged each other all over again. Gawd there was a lot of love going around the room. Perfect, I thought. And I grabbed Kelly's hand and took her out on the porch.

"How could you do that to Dawn?" I asked her intently. I was going to make sure I understood that before I let her back into the same room as my family.

"Because she was about to make the biggest mistake of her life, Billy." she said with measured reassurance. As if she expected I already understood. "She was going to walk out of her closet into the bright shiny spotlight and leave Halli in there with her wardrobe. You can't do that and expect her to stay in the closet. Not her. She wouldn't stand for it and neither would I."

"You're driven by this shit, aren't you?"

"And Halli is and Dawn is. We're not getting famous by accident, Billy. And you're the one who was supposed to be teaching me this shit. How was I supposed to know you're Cassandra Hallidey's old man? Nobody knew. You were so cool and suave and blaise about it. It sure took me by surprise! But there's always more to you than you let on. I wish Chris could be like that."

"No, you don't. You really don't, Kelly." Poor Chris. Nobody should have to go through life as ignorant as I was.

"Billy, I love you and Dawn and Halli. You're the most special people to me in the whole world. I will never hurt any of you. Ever again. I'm sorry for what I've done. We can undo it. This time. But there will be plenty of next times. You can count on it. It's Tamara Hallidey we're talking about and it's only a matter of time."

"OK. Enough said. You're going to call Scott right the fuck now and tell him to forget he ever met Cassandra Hallidey's daughter."

"OK Billy. Whatever you say. But Halli's still gonna pay the price. You all are."

"For being famous?"

"Or being not famous. Peter says you call it angst. Is that your price, Billy? Your Angst?"

"No Kelly. That's Peter's price. I live with my angst like a precious little brother. Losing my angst is the price I would pay."

"Isn't that what I just said?"

"Then you understand the difference between me and Peter. My loss is his gain. Maybe I should give him a call. I'll just fax him my own angst right now and kill two birds with one stone."

"You already have, Billy. You've done it already. You keep talking to Peter like he's another you. But he's not. You should be more careful who you treat as your contemporaries. It's like you're walking around with a loaded weapon."

"God Kelly! That's a hell of a compliment. Do you think I'm fucking up Dawn and Halli?"

"Jesus no Billy! They ARE your contemporaries. You've an entire family of contemporaries under your own roof! That's what makes you guys so special. I love each of you so very much. You're all so contemporary you'll never know how much you guys deserve each other. I've never seen three people so connected!"

"Ya think?"

"Aw fuck off, homeboy. You're the coyest man I've ever met. It's practically infuriating!"

"Well then, that's the real price I've got to pay. I infuriate every other woman on the planet if they're not a Hallidey."

"No, love. That's the price all those women have to pay." And she smiled at me like I knew a hell of a lot more than I really did, but what the hell, Dawn was right. I shine when I don't have a clue. Women just seem to favor the clueless.

"Call Scott now! We're not leaving this house until we all understand each other. All of us."

Kelly and I went back inside. "Dawn. I'm sorry I caused you this much trouble. I didn't mean for it to be like this. Really I didn't. I'll call Scott right now and put a stop to it." and she disappeared into another room.

"Halli, honey. Why did you and Kelly do what you did without telling your mother? You can tell me, sweetheart." I asked her gently.

She started to cry. "Because I want to be like Kelly. And Mommy." she said tearfully.

"I just want people to love me like they love you."

"Do people love you now, honey?" Dawn asked. "Does your Mommy love you? And your Daddy? We do, you know. Very much. Kelly does too. We already love you. You don't need to be in a magazine for us to love you. Ever. Do you understand, Halli?"

"Mommy? Will you ever stop loving me?" she asked.

"No sweetheart. I will always love you."

Kelly came back out to us and sat down. "OK it's done. Or undone actually. Scott sounded pretty disappointed. He still wants you guys to give him a call." and she turned to me and said softly, "Think about what I told you. Just think about it. OK?"

That night Dawn and I stayed up late together. Talking about the whole thing.

"How could she, Billy? How the hell could Kelly do that?"

"She thought she was doing what's best for Halli. Really. She still thinks that way. Her mind and heart are so engulfed in this headtrip that she can't not think that way. Kelly thinks you're leaving poor little Tamara Hallidey in the closet to molder with your wardrobe. As if she has anything to say about it. What really scares me is that I had no clue. No fucking clue at all what she was up to." In fact, I never had any clue about what any of these women were ever up to. Since we all knew that already, I was pretty sure to be standing on solid ground here. "But it's not like she's evil or anything. She really thinks Tamara Hallidey needs to come out of the closet."

"And you, Billy? What do you think?"

"If you weren't who you are, if you were as distinctly unfamous as I am, we'd be letting her do a fashion spread in a woman's magazine. Wouldn't we? I mean, I wouldn't have a problem with it. Would you?"

"Sure I'd have a problem with it. For chrissakes Billy, she's seven years old!"

"Well, you know way more about this sorta stuff than I do. Certainly way more than your basic unfamous mother would. I guess you're right. So If I knew anything about it, I'd have problems with it too. Is that what you're saying?"

"That's it exactly. That's exactly what I'm saying. Famous. Oven. Heat. Broil. Cinder. That's what I keep trying to tell you. You asked me if I'd ever have a problem seeing my daughter in an adult video. And I said no, not if she wanted to do it. Of her own choosing. But a seven year old can't make that kind of decision. She wouldn't know what in the world she was doing! Does any of this make sense to you?"

"Yes Dawn. It does. It makes plenty of sense to me."

"And what? You'd let her do it anyway?"

"A magazine intent on showing off a cute little seven year old rolling around in the snow is certainly going to find one. I always thought going to famous people first was a kind of professional courtesy. And if you're intent on keeping your cute little seven year old unfamous, then maybe you shouldn't be so famous yourself. Does any of that make sense to you?"

"So you're saying it doesn't make any difference either way? Do you really believe that?"

"You told me yourself that releasing your next video would be a drop in the bucket for your career. That nobody would raise an eyebrow. Well maybe now you know that isn't true. You're painting your life's canvass with some pretty broad strokes, Cassandra Hallidey. Some of it spills out onto other people's canvasses. Like it or despise it, it can't be helped."

She thought about things for a minute or so in silence. And simply held me.

"I'm gonna do one of two things here, Billy." And she lay there thoughtfully. "I'm either going to put a stop to this whole video thing with Kelly..."

"Or?"

"Let it run its course and adapt to meet the consequences."

"Well you've done it before. What makes now so different?" I asked. "If Halli's got to be written about or photographed, why not meet it on your own terms? Or else get out of the oven if you can't abide anybody else's terms. Just bail if you want to."

"Gosh you're smart. Why the hell didn't I think of that?" she said sarcasticly. Then she paused for a second. "I'm sorry, Billy. I didn't mean that." and she kissed me softly.

"So the issue really isn't Tamara Hallidey at all." I said pensively.

Dawn didn't say anything for a long while. But when I held her tighter, I could feel her crying tightly inside herself and the trembling carried through her body into mine. I was wondering to myself if it really hurts this much just to come out of the oven. But not being a famous person, how the hell would I know? I just didn't get any of this. None of it. Even Halli probably knew more about it than I did. And anyway, I could afford to live in blissful ignorance because ultimately, this wasn't a decision for moi. It was Dawn's problem and only she could resolve it.