Chapter II (The Resurrected - A love story by Billy Shaw)

Mom was sitting across the table from me in a small cafe in Sedona, Arizona. She'd taken to hanging in the southwest from an RV she calls home. She spends her time being as remote a tourist as the roads will bear, and writing books on clinical parapsychology. As it were, she was considered one of the world's great authorities on the phenomenon of Love. Which I never really figured. Oh, I believed it. I just couldn't figure it. I would have figured Mom for a towering figure in say, astrophysics or economics. But Love? She was a woman of private affairs and quiet liaisons. She never talked to me about Love. When she was writing her first book on the subject for popular consumption, I asked her how the subject could possibly fill up an entire book. It hadn't occurred to me yet in my young life that people can fill up their entire lives with the subject.

"Mom, you know, I've never really talked to you about my relationships with women. We've just never gone there. Well, there's someone I need to talk to you about now. That's why I came out here to find you."

"I'm deeply flattered. Seriously flattered, in fact. Tell me all about her. What's her name?"

"Her name's Dawn and we met each other at the ski school we work at. Turns out she lives the next room over from where I lived in employee housing. She just finished up her studies in physical therapy. She has a drop dead gorgeous little girl named Tamara who's seven. I think I'm in love with both of them."

Mom sat there patiently. She didn't move, she didn't speak, and she didn't breath. It was like she was doing some kind of psychic energy exercise or paranormal biopsy.

"And it's fucking with my head. Like, I can't think straight. All I can think about is her. Is them."

Whatever the hell Mom was doing she wasn't finished doing it. She continued to stare through me in devout silence.

"I need for you to help me try to screw my head back on straight."

Mom slipped from her trance right into her first sentence. "I see a large blue and cream tapestry. Very little of it is complete. And there's not more than a few day's work in what's been done. The tapestry is large. Larger than most. But this tapestry is magical. If you flip it over and observe the backside, you'd be surprised to find much more of it has been completed. Maybe a year's worth of work. The backside is bright and sensual, but backwards. The front side hasn't been colored in, yet. One of my native American friends claims this kind of tapestry is a favorite of the spirits."

I couldn't help but wonder if this is what I sound like when I talk to Carl.

"Mom, you spend your days consorting with telekinetic warlords. I'm afraid you're going to have to spell it out for me in terms the truly stupid can comprehend. You know,... guys."

"How long have you known her?" she asked as simply as she could, knowing I'm sure that it wasn't a simple question.

"I first met her maybe nine or ten years ago. When I was living in Florida. She was a dancer but I never really knew her outside of her club. We spent alot of time together, though. Just hanging out while she waited her turn for the stage. We made dates to get together, but they never materialized. Then I met her again out here this year, and we've started spending time together. She introduced me to her daughter the other night. Other than 'would you like to date me', we really haven't talked about a relationship. But Mom, it's the strongest thing I've ever felt. I never even knew something like this existed."

"How do you feel about her having a daughter?"

"I think it's really cool! Mom, you've gotta see the two of them together! It's stunning."

"Billy. Close your eyes and imagine the two of them standing together in that stunning way. Look at them together. Can you see them?"

"Yeah, Mom. It's a clear vision."

"Now try to imagine yourself standing there, with them. Maybe with your arms around them both or holding hands. Can you still see them? What do you see?"

"I see the three of us. And there's a colorful halo around us. Like we're radiating a field of energy."

"What color is the halo?"

"It's green. There's reds and yellows and other colors, but it's mostly green."

"OK, you can open your eyes, now. Do you think it would matter to you and Dawn whether or not Tamara's your child?"

"As far as Dawn's concerned, Tamara doesn't even have a father. And whoever he is, he doesn't know he's got a daughter."

Mom laid her head on the table and rested it there face down for a couple of seconds. When she sat up again, she was laughing silently with a kind of dancing delight in her eyes. "Aw, Son. The spirits are going to love this tapestry. It might become one of their favorites!"

"Wadda ya mean?"

"You come to me for the first time in your life with a special woman. And she's got a daughter. And you come to love the mother and the daughter both. But it seems she's made a special point of not telling somebody she's raising his daughter for him. And then one day she's living a coupla feet away from your doorstep and introduces you to Tamara."

"What are you saying?!" I stretched my whole body toward her. "Surely you're not saying that I'm Tamara's father! I never knew Cassie, uh, Dawn quite that intimately. It never happened."

"You can make it happen now, can't you? You do intend to be lovers, do you not?"

"Uh, I guess so."

"Then in the long run, won't it be the same thing?"

The dawning recognition on my face must have reassured Mom that she hadn't raised a complete idiot. She seemed happy to have been of service. But she added, "You're not the one with all the problems, kiddo. Think about what Dawn has been doing with her life. Put yourself in her place and try to imagine it. Then be gentle. And patient. And caring. That's all you're expected to do. That's all you can do." She smiled at me and got up to leave. "I've got to put a new radiator in my truck before it gets dark. Thanks for looking me up. Come back any time you get the chance. I love seeing you." And she pecked me on the cheek and turned to go. Looking back, she waved familiarly at the waitress and said to me "I love you, Son."

I looked down at the table where she'd been sitting. There was an unfinished little tapestry with seemingly disparate patterns that spiraled together and all met in the middle. Mom hadn't finished it, but I knew she'd left it behind for me to hold onto for awhile. I wondered for a second if she wouldn't mind my finishing it for her. The waitress looked over my shoulder as I contemplated the piece and muttered something unintelligible to no one in particular.

"Pardon?" I looked up and asked.

"It is a very old dialect. Even elder Navaho or Zuni would not understand it. The piece in your hand is based on a very old but well recognized pattern. Did you make it yourself? That would be, as your people say, 'Pretty fly for a white guy'."

"What's the name of the pattern in English? Do you know?"

"Certainly. It is an ancient word akin to 'reincarnated to the present tense', to be 'reborn to the present'. I believe it is called 'The Resurrected'. If you finish it and wish to sell it, you can do so through our shop here. We have a number of other pieces. Of course, the others were done by the tribespeople. But your tan is so dark. I thought you were a tribesman at first."

"Do you have any in this same pattern? The 'Resurrected' motif?"

"Yes. Come look at these three here. They're all different, of course, since each piece represents someone's life. But the basic rules for the pattern are the same, that they meet in the middle and do so evenly from any part of the fabric."

"Are there different colors or patterns for men and women?"

"No. In fact this pattern is executed on behalf of couples. Here's an interesting one based on an optical illusion. Notice that the front and backsides appear different. They're not, once you look closely. Have a look at it up close."

In fact, each of the spirals did meet at a common point in the middle. But on the back, one spiral had a night sky motif full of stars. I stared at it and flipped it over to the other side. The same place in the fabric illustrated a brilliant shining dawn. I flipped the piece over again back to the stars. In the middle was one prominent body. She saw me studying the celestial image.

"The greeks called it 'Casseopeia'."

I looked up at her. She continued. "Interesting piece, no? It's part of a collection we loan to the state museum every year. Very treasured among the elders. But very archaic. Not a piece readily copied."

I handed it back to her and asked if she had a photograph of it. She produced a large softback book with a chapter on these patterns. She laid it out flat for me and turned to a page of color plates. There, on a full page, was each side of the tapestry I had just held in my hand.

"Is the book for sale?"

"No, my friend. But you can borrow it and bring it back the next time you visit your Mom. She doesn't seem to be going anywhere soon. And she always comes back when she does."

"Thanks! I really appreciate it!" And then I headed back to Colorado.

I had more than a day's drive ahead of me. That's alot of thinking time. I was thinking about love. And about the tapestries I saw. And Dawn. And Tamara. And green halos. And Dawn. Now, every time I thought about Dawn, I thought about Dawn and Tamara. Dawn and Tamara and Billy.

I thought about Love. About what my Mom does for a living. About what I'd do for a living if I ended up with Dawn and Tamara. I tried to picture it. What it would look like to have a family. What it would feel like to raise a little Dawn/Tamara/Cassie. I went beyond the limits of my mind. I was exploring things I'd never saw or felt before. The only person my age I knew well enough to get advice from about the Family Thang was my old roommate Frank.

Yeah. I'm gonna give Frank a call and ask him what it feels like to fall in love. And raise children. I pulled off the interstate and found a motel near a liquor store. I scored a bottle of Bourbon and a liter of Coke. This was gonna be one of those mini road-parties that fits well with a motel room and twelve hours to spare.

I called Frank again. This time it was early enough at night that I didn't think I would wake him.

"Hey man, this is Billy. I'm out in the desert someplace. How's it going?"

"Oh, pretty cool. Vanessa and I are sitting here playing strip poker."

"Man, lemme ask you a question."

"Shoot."

"One day you were partying it up as a bachelor, and the next, you're married and expecting a child. What made you do it? How did you decide to go Family?"

"Man, I keep telling you to come down here and visit. If you met Vanessa, you wouldn't even be asking me that."

"So you did it because she's just that special?"

"It's not something I 'did'. It's something I'm 'doing' for the rest of my life. But you really oughta come down and visit. Especially if you're that interested in my homelife. It's not really something you just describe over the phone. So what are you doing now?"

"I'm sitting in a motel room drinking bourbon and coke. I was visiting my mother in Arizona and I'm on my way back to Colorado. There's another six weeks of snow left, and I'm gonna try to get in as much as I can before I start my summer job. I got a roomy condo if you wanna get up here and ski some."

"No can do, bro. I gotta job and a highly pregnant wife. I'm not going anywhere. Not for a long long time."

"Oh, man. It's not like you can't afford it."

"Can't do it. But I'll think of you every time me and Vanessa watch the weather channel."

"So man, check this out. I'm dating Cassie."

"Well, when you called me up at five in the morning and had to know her real name, I figured you probably ran into her someplace. What did her real name turn out to be?"

"It's Dawn. And she has a seven year old daughter named Tamara."

"So what's it like to finally be dating her? You only obsessed on it for the whole year I was rooming with you."

"We've only gone out a coupla times. She just finished PT school and now maybe she'll have some time to pursue a social life. Namely me. I hope."

"Are you saying that you guys haven't 'done it' yet? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. Especially if you ain't done it yet. Besides, you two aren't exactly strangers in the meat department."

"What are you talking about, man? All I've ever managed to do in my whole life is kiss her. And for ten minutes at that."

"Bullshit, man. You banged her before. You banged her in the back of my fucking truck. And that wasn't messy enough for you so you puked all over the paint job. I know you were pretty drunk and shit, but Jeezus Dude, how could you forget doing the most gorgeous woman you ever met? I won't. I had to clean out the fucking truck. And getting the stains off the paint job was almost impossible. I mean, hydrochloric acid, alcohol, and coke. It sounds like a fucking paint remover! So maybe she'll get you real drunk again and fuck your brains out."

"You're saying Cassie got me drunk and then fucked me in the back of your truck?! Is that what you're saying? Bullshit. Bullshit. It never happened. You're fulla shit."

"Why would I make up a story like that and then hafta clean up my own truck with it?! You're the one who's dating the bitch. Why dontcha just ask her what happened?..."

"Did I, uh, well, did I, you know, use anything when I did her?"

"How the fuck would I know?! And why the hell would I care?! What the fuck's up with you anyway?"

"I dunno, man. First I meet this real shy ski instructor that lives right next door to me and then I find out she's the tittie bar dancer of my dreams and then I find out she's got a little girl that came along right after I knew her and then you're sitting here telling me she got me drunk one night and screwed my brains out. And then you ask me what's up with me anyway?!"

"So she moved right next door to you? How 'bout that... Incredible. What a coincidence. Just think of the chances, huh? Those are some odds... Who woulda thought it possible..."

"OK just stop. I get what you're saying. I don't believe any of it, but I get what you're saying. How do you think she would have managed to find me in the first place? How did that happen?"

"Well, um, that was kinda part of the surprise."

"Surprise? What fucking surprise? How did Dawn manage to find me?"

"Well, ... I kinda told her. I didn't know where exactly, but I guess it wasn't that hard to find you once she knew what resort you worked at..."

"What do you mean you kinda told her. What did she do? Call you up?!"

"Yes. That's exactly what she did. She called me up and asked me if I knew how to get in touch with you, and I told her. Kinda. The rest was up to her. She said she wanted to surprise you. But dude, I mean it. I thought Cassie was gonna surprise you. I had no idea Dawn was gonna be your surprise."

"Tamara was my surprise, dude. Life itself is getting to be my surprise. I'm surprised, dude. I'm sitting in my motel room full of surprise. I'm surprised as shit. Fuck, am I surprised."

"Yeah, you sound pretty surprised. I'm sorry if I fucked things up for you. Really. I wouldn't have told her anything if I'da known about the child."

"No, man. I guess you did right by her. And by me, too. You would've had to do the same thing even if you'da known. Although I'm sure you woulda let me know first or something. So how long ago did she call you?"

"I guess it musta been a year. Maybe longer. I forgot all about it since you never called me up to say anything about seeing her. But when you called me the other night, I honestly couldn't remember what her name was. So I'm sure it's been a while at least. Sure you're not all bent out of shape and shit? She was always a pretty cool woman."

"No, man. Thanks. Just... Thanks. See ya later, man."

"OK, see ya. Just stay the hell outa the back of my truck..."

I hung up the phone and picked up the book I'd borrowed from the Navaho waitress. I balanced it in my hand and thought about what Mom had been trying to tell me. Maybe it really is all the same. Only this was more Same than the other sames. This was serious Same. Like, what if Cassie had agreed to date me. And then marry me. And then have a Tamara. How would things be different? What if she'd told me about Tamara? Clearly, she didn't want me around her little girl when she first had her. Or before.

So maybe she just wanted a little girl. Yeah, maybe she didn't want a man in her life but intended to birth and raise a child of her own. Yeah, and maybe she wanted me to be the father because she liked me or something. So why come back now looking for me? Does she need me now the way she needed me in the back of the truck? Is she intending to have a little brother or sister for Tamara?

The possibilities were endless. And I didn't miss many, the way I stayed up all night drinking bourbon and trying on as many as I could think up. But the one possibility I could savor and dream about, however improbable, was that maybe, just maybe, she would consent to an intimacy with me. That maybe, she could actually love me. And be loved in return. But nothing in the relationship so far had resembled anything of the sort. Moreover, the one really tangible thing I had from Dawn was our hot tub promise that she'd hurt me before I could hurt her. That one I believed.

But that promise sure didn't sound like an open doorway into her soul. Or her heart. And certainly not into mine. Dawn surely struck me as a woman of her words. If she said it, I'd best believe it. What did it mean to her 'to date'?" How intimate was she looking to be? How much of my soul could I share with her before she would look away and not look back?

Should I confront her as a hurt daddy or accept her decisions as her own inviolate? And finally, the question resting at the very bottom of my soul. Was it best for Dawn and Tamara for me to be around to begin with? Would they be better off if I wasn't part of their lives? Who gets to make these decisions? In whom would such authority reside?

Gut instinct was telling me that Dawn was in the driver's seat. I could see my whole life changing, right before my eyes, and anything I do or become has to do with what Dawn wants. Like she gets to make the call this time around. But she seemed to be making all the calls every time around.

I had no idea what I should or shouldn't think. The only thing that made any sense at all was to go to sleep and think this thing out some other time. And so I did.

I woke up in the morning. Don't we all, now and again. I mean, I really wake up. I was no longer sleeping my way through this life. At least not as deeply as before. I woke up to a vast yearning. Like having to go to the bathroom really bad. I woke up to the only two thoughts in my head worth having. Dawn and Tamara. My heart felt light and fluttery. My veins felt hot. My head was hot. But but gawd my heart was the hottest. I might have been hung over a little but my head felt like I had a sinus infection or a fever. The hangover from alcohol is easy enough to remedy if you're willing to go back for more. But the hangover from a woman is altogether infuriating. And the hangover from your child is the one that you carry around the rest of the day. You don't make these things go away. You feel the pain the way you'd feel your favorite painting or your favorite oldies love song. You savor and admire it and roll it around in your mind until you get to know it. You let it sear you and course its way through your veins.

And when you're saturated with it, you grow. You grow to a dizzying height the way grownups towered over you when you were their child. You grow to a height undiminished by your last major fuckup. You grow to a height just tall enough to look over the canopy of trees and see the next rest stop on the highway. But just tall enough. Never enough to see where the road really comes to an end.

I grew enough to recognize that pain. And that in itself was all I could hope for. Dawn was driving the car. All I needed to do as her passenger was sit back and enjoy the pain. So she was driving my growth. Go to town, girl... I'm just gonna reach on over and grab this seatbelt here and buckle up.

The very first thing I would have done reaching home again would have been to drive straight to Tamara. But I went home first and showered and shaved. Then I walked over to where I used to live and knocked on the door of my old apartment. My roommate the Cowboy answered the door. He was in his underwear drinking a beer.

"Yo Bro! What brings you back to the farm?" he said and tipped up the can swigging the last little bit. Then he crushed it in his fist and tossed it into the trash. "Hey man, I found your pipe the other day. The one we thought somebody took. You hid it under the lamp on the table for some reason."

"Hey man. How's work? You still wrangling?"

"Yeah man every day. Might do it all summer if I don't blow outa here first."

"So what's new in the neighborhood? Any women move in?"

"Naw, not really. The one next door, you know, the one you liked, I hardly ever see her around but she must still be living there."

"How so? What makes you say that?"

"'Cause it's still quiet around here. If she weren't living right across that wall, there'd be a shitpile of party noise in that place, like the way it was before she moved in. She sure is quiet, though. I'll give her that much."

"Who does she live with? You ever see anybody else in there?"

"I think she has this kid. I don't know if she lives there with her. Every so often I see this little girl go in and out with her. Not enough to make me think she lives there, though. Cute kid. They look just like each other."

"So Cowboy, when exactly did she move in. Do you remember?"

"I dunno. Maybe a year ago? It was before you moved in. I remember that. I was gonna go hit on her but then you moved in and started talking to her and I backed off."

"You mean she was here before I was?"

"I think so. I could be wrong. I was talking to her before you were. She blew me off but that never stopped me before."

"And the kid? Did she bring her then or was that later?"

"Come to think of it, I never really paid it any attention. She did come by a coupla times to complain about the music over here. But shit, this is employee housing and the only reason anybody lives in this building is to party. Why would anybody with a family wanna move in here? Not even the Mexicans bring their kids around here."

"But you're positive that she was here before I was? Are you sure?"

"We're only talking about some housing here, dude. You've been floating in and out of the county for a long time. You play any pool lately? I heard about this couple the other night that that just shut down your hangout. Ran the table for three hours. One of my buddies says the woman was the most killer piece of ass he ever saw. He only mentioned it to me because he thought the guy reminded him of you. But I told him 'ol Billy don't usually bring women around to play pool. So who was she, man? One of your old girlfriends from back east?"

What I really wanted to say was, "She's my daughter's mother." But since I didn't really know that for a fact, there was no sense starting a new life over nothing. Cowboy was having a therapeutic effect on me. But then again, he always did. Plus, he always had pot.

"Hey man, while you're here check out a bowlful of this new shit."

"Aw, no thanks, man. I gotta go do something. But I might be back a little later and take you up on it." And I turned to go next door.

I knocked a couple of times and listened for any noises inside the apartment. I heard a patient rustling and a patter toward the door. A moment later the door swung open slowly, and an unhesitant little face floated toward me with a grin.

"Hi Billy!" Tamara said as she took my hand and led me into the apartment.

"Hi Tamara! Whatcha up to?" Then I kneeled down to eye level with her, still holding her little hand lightly.

"I just got back from school."

"Do they load you up with homework and stuff?"

"Billy, I'm in second grade. They don't load you up with homework."

"Tamara, how did you know it was me at the door? Do you open it for everybody? You're not tall enough to look through the peephole." I hadn't heard the sounds of moving furniture, so I figured she didn't stand on a chair to check me out.

"I knew it was you." she said cheerfully.

"How so?"

"I heard you talking to Cowboy next door and you said you had something to do. And you said you'd be back later. And then I heard you come over here. Dawn's at ski school right now. She orta be back in an hour or whatever."

"You call your mom Dawn?" I asked.

"No. I call her Mommy. But you call her Dawn." she said flatly.

"So you can hear right through these walls, huh?"

"You betcha. My bedroom's on the other side of the wall from your room. Well, where you used to live. I could hear everything."

"Give me an example, Tamara. What did you hear?"

"Well, you sure use the phone alot. I heard that all the time. But get this. Cowboy uses the phone even more than you do. Can you believe that?"

"So, what do remember best? Of all the sounds you heard from my room, what can you remember the most?" and aw gawd there was no telling what that little woman was capable of saying next.

"Pleading." she said but not without rolling it around in her mouth first.

"What?"

"Yeah, I didn't know what the word means either until I asked Mommy, uh, Dawn."

"You heard the word Pleading from my room?!"

"No Billy. I asked Mommy what you were doing and she said you were Pleading."

"Oh, you mean your mommy was sitting there with you listening to me on the phone and I was pleading?"

"Well, that's the way she put it. We were reading a goodnight story from this book I really like and mommy stopped long enough for us to hear you talking. Then she stopped breathing for a minute trying to be real quiet and I asked her what she was doing and she told me to be as still as I could. Like a rock or a flower. Then we heard you talking. Mommy said you were pleading."

"What happened then, Tamara?"

"Mommy started squeezing her face real tight like this." and Tamara scrunched up her face and stuck it in mine. "And a buncha tears came out and she wiped them on my nightgown."

"And then what happened? Did she say anything?"

"I asked her why she was crying and she told me Pleading makes her do that."

"Does Pleading make you do that?"

"I dunno. It makes people cry."

"Would it hurt you to see me cry?"

"No. It hurts me to see Mommy cry."

"Tamara, do you cry?"

"You know, Billy. Dawn's gonna be home in a little while, and I told her I would clean up her room. Why dontcha give us a call in an hour or two and take us out to dinner?"

"Tamara. Are you asking me out?"

"If you want. Should I tell Dawn you're asking us out on a date?"

"Sure! Tell her as soon as you see her. OK?"

"Bye Billy."

I wasn't home more than five minutes before the phone rang.

"Hi Billy it's Dawn."

"Hi Dawn! How's it going?!"

"Tamara tells me we have a date tonight. Wanna tell me what that's all about?"

"That's when I take you and your daughter to the kind of restaurant you guys like and we eat some food and talk alot. But that's just a ferinstance. We can do whatever you and Tamara want to do."

"She wants you to take her bowling! She intends to start beating the crap outa you and then let you win. Really. That's what she told me."

"Why would she let me win? Is that the way she is?"

"Goddammit you listen to me good, OK? I'll be goddamned certain about somebody before I let them start dicking around with my child. Do you understand me?"

I hesitated but not long enough to be surprised. I mean, really surprised.

"Chill, Dawn. It's not like I'm in any position to take her away or anything. You know that as well as I do. She's your child. And if I'm lucky, I mean really really lucky, she might like me and even begin to be my friend. That's all."

"So you like her? I mean, really like her?"

"No, Dawn. I like you. I mean, really like you. However, I love Tamara. It was love at first sight."

"But you don't know either of us, Billy. How do you know Tam's not a midget pool shark I picked up in prison?"

"I know. She scares me too. But so do you. All of you. But you've got nothing to worry about. Be scared of me? Shit, woman. You've got your hand around my heart and you promised me you'd rip it out before I had a clean shot at yours. That's just the way you are. Do you think Tamara's any different? Or are you culturing a vulnerability in her the way an oyster works on a pearl?"

"Stop, you're making me hungry. So do you want to go bowling with her? She practically pleaded with me to call you."

"What are you into? Do you feel up to it? You can just watch if you don't feel like playing." But then I felt silly. Telling Dawn what she could do.

"She's gonna let you win. Just don't make a big deal about it, OK?"

Tamara rolled the ball about five feet between her legs and just let it rip. It rolled slowly down the middle of the main aisle and hit about four people's feet before coming to rest.

"I just love doing that!" she said. "I can get away with it because I'm a seven year old. Dawn makes me go and say I'm sorry but she doesn't tell me to stop doing it. You know what I mean, Billy?"

"So I hear you're a pretty good bowler. You like doing this?" I asked her.

"Yeah! I really wanna play pool but I'm too short. Here I can just roll some balls across the floor. You didn't answer my question, Billy."

"Huh?"

"I asked you if you know what I mean."

"You asked me about when Dawn tells you to go say you're sorry but then she doesn't make you stop doing it. Of course I know what you mean." I was completely I mean totally confused. But I was into the Realm of Women, that soupy birthplace of stars and galaxies, and I had absolutely no fucking clue what she was talking about.

Dawn was sitting at the bar sipping ice water and smoking a cigarette. She was far enough away not to hear us, but to watch a pantomime of whatever me and Tamara were doing. I couldn't read her emotions from where I was standing, but then again, I never could unless she wanted me to.

I told Tamara I'd be right back and I went up to her mother.

"She's talking alot like a woman. When did that start?"

"I dunno. She's learned alot from you, though."

"What do you mean?"

"She sat and listened to you talk on the phone for the whole time you were living next to us. She was asking me stuff she couldn't have picked up from TV. It was scaring me enough to want to move somewhere else, but some of the things she was asking me sounded healthy. Like maybe not having a father around the house was easier when she got to hear a man's voice even if it was through a wall."

"Healthy? Like what do you mean?"

"She started asking me about men. About you. She started drawing pictures that just looked more comfortable to me. Cheery ones with guys and families and houses. The most elaborate picture she drew was a crayon portrait of you on your knees talking on the phone. She spent days on it. I asked her what she was doing and she said she was making you real. She'd only known you as a voice next door and she was trying to create the person she kept hearing. I asked her if she'd ever actually seen you and she said no. But she must have, because the picture looks too much like you. Then she drew a picture of me and her together, and stapled the two pages together."

"She used a stapler?"

"I asked her about that. She said she could rip the pages apart again without screwing up the paper. Honest to god. That's what she said."

"So, Dawn. I haven't used the word daddy or father in a sentence with her. I wouldn't go there except when you're there around us. Is that the plan?"

"You can go there all you want. Really you can. If I didn't trust you, she'd be home in bed right now. Take her out for a spin. Really. Just try it. Ask her anything you want."

So I returned to Tamara and watched her roll balls that weigh more than she does down a slick piece of wood to topple pins. She wasn't that great at it but anybody watching her would have been struck by the amount of fun she was having. I certainly was. And between games, I walked up to her and knelt down beside her.

"Tamara. Do you miss not having a daddy?"

"I have a daddy. I miss him."

"What do you think he's like?"

"He's like you are. He's like anybody I want him to be. I haven't met him yet so he can be like anything I want."

"Do you really believe that?"

She looked right at me. "Dawn does." And hesitated like she expected me to say something next. But I didn't. I just held her gaze and hoped for the best.

"So Billy. Am I your daughter? Is that why you're here?"

"What does Dawn think?" and I turned my eyes toward where she was sitting.

"Dawn already knows. She told me when we moved here. I wanted to meet my daddy and she said OK."

"Am I your daddy?" I asked as the whirl of every sound I'd ever heard started rushing through my ears. Louder and louder.

She reached out and grabbed me, hugging my neck as hard as she could. And as the racking sobs of her young body convulsed into my arms, she looked up at me and rubbed her teary face against mine. Her face turned red as she cried. She held me for a minute or so just being there and holding me. Then she looked into my eyes and said, "Mommy promised me I could be the one to tell you."

And the two of us just knelt there in a common pile of flesh, under the watchful eyes of a woman starting to cry.

I held Tamara half an arm's length away from me as I started to speak. I looked into her little adult eyes and said, "You're my only child, sweetheart. Nobody ever told me I was a daddy before. It might take me a minute to get used to it. Will you hang with me on this one?"

Her head craned and she kissed me on the lips quickly. Then she kissed me over an eye. And then the other. And then she hugged me tightly and didn't let go. I held her draped over my shoulders like that and picked her up to carry her over to her mom.

"So she took you out for a spin, huh? Enjoy the ride, Billy?"

I gently brushed Dawn's lips with my own, still holding Tamara, and all I could think about was the gentle, loving, caring that Mom had been telling me about. And then Tamara reached an arm out around her mother's neck and pulled her face to ours.

And then she asked, "Are you guys friends and stuff?"

Dawn went without hesitation right to my lips and held both me and her daughter tightly as she kissed me more passionately than I ever knew it could be done. Of course, Tamara was doing everything she could to hold our heads together.

Then Dawn pulled away and turned to Tamara. "Do you like him, honey?"

"Yes. Very much. Do you like him, Mommy?"

"Yes. Very much."

"So can I have a little brother or sister now?"

"Sweetheart, we need to ask your daddy about that. We need to ask your daddy about alot of things."

If I'd eaten a batch of hallucinogens two weeks ago, then they hadn't worn off yet. I was higher and more woozy than when it was just Dawn. This was as high as I could get. You just don't go any higher and not scrape your head against the stars. It was time Dawn and I had a long, long talk. And I just couldn't wait. My whole being was geared toward the next time we got together. As adults. No kids around.

The first thing I did was call Mom and tell her she has a grand-daughter named Tamara.

"Hey Ma! Check this out! You have a grand-daughter named Tamara! She's like, eternity stuck in the second grade."

"Oh Billy! That's terrific! Your first child! My first child's first child! I'm so excited for you! Do I get to meet her? And Dawn? How's Dawn?" Well, Mom always had a good memory.

"Mom. Listen. I love Dawn. I love Tamara even more, if that's possible. But there's this thing. This other issue that kinda makes my life feel like shit."

"You don't think Dawn really loves you and you're thinking this is a love affair built around a little girl."

"Goddammit. How do you do that?!"

"It's my profession, Sonny. I do this for a living."

"I'm lost here, Momma. I really am. I want these two women more than I've ever known desire. I just don't wanna see it slip away. That's all."

"But it's different now, because that girl's your daughter?"

I didn't know what she was talking about. But I did. I knew it all from the last time we talked together. And yet I knew nothing. God I hated being so fucking clueless.

"Is it any different because that girl's your grand-daughter?" Well, like mother like son if that's the way it's gotta be.

"Of course it is! Stop being a moron and start being Dawn's lover! Give me some more grandchildren dammit! I love the little suckers!" I was never gonna win at this game.

"OK, Mom. Check this out. My girlfriend appears to have borrowed some genetic material out of a night-time catalog and then the supply ran out and she's around for more."

"She only completing her tapestry, Billy. You've got yours to work on, too. You know?"

"But Mom, the tapestry you left me was a couples thang, wasn't it?"

"Well then maybe you should be working on it together, huh, Billy?"

And that's the coolest thing she ever told me.

So every time me and Dawn had gone out together, something really earthshattering would happen in my life. It was like she was orchestrating the progression of my surprises. This was the first time in my life I'd been so woozy in love and every time I was with her it was like, here dude try somma this... I mean, how high does a guy really need to get?

Not high enough, evidently. Dawn walked through the door and nailed me down to the carpet, holding all of my limbs under hers, and I couldn't move. Then she placed her lips over mine and gently licked with her tongue. She had on red lipgloss and she spread it all over my face. Dawn was wearing a tight red miniskirt and covered it with a long flowing sable jacket. A real one.

I looked up into her eyes. "You don't have to get me drunk this time. You know?" It croaked out hoarsely.

She kept kissing me and grinding her body into mine.

"I love you, Billy. And I'm not here the way you think I am. It's not even the right time of the month. I'm here because I love you."

I just stared at her. And stared. There was nothing I would do to interrupt that moment. I didn't know whether I believed it, but it was like taking a shower with just the right amount of hot water.

I reached my hand up to her cheek and held it. And I stared as deeply into her eyes as I could. Into her soul. I wanted to penetrate everything about this woman who lay above me. And then she stood up and took my hand. She pulled me up and looked at me brightly.

"I got us reservations at this new restaurant in Denver. Come on." and she grabbed my hand and pulled me out the door behind her.

I'd never been in or even seen her car before, but it was, of all things, a Pantera. Not the most practical family car ever built, but if you can get one up here during ski season, then you're a better driver than most people around here. It had Florida plates on it, too. With tinted windows, Miami style. Dawn was driving. I was wearing my seatbelt.

"This is your car?" I asked.

"It used to be. I gave it to Tamara so she won't grow up with a complex about not having a set of wheels. 'Course, she won't be driving it for another ten years. With guys, I mean."

"Do you let her drive it now?"

"Sometimes. I put her on my lap and let her steer. She really digs it. She digs you also. Like, alot."

"Dawn, there are no words to describe the amount of love I feel for Tamara. And there's no way I can use words to describe my love for you. Not the way I can say it and not the way you want to hear it."

"We've got an hour here, Billy. And another hour on the way back. Why don't you just try, and I'll decide what I want to hear."

"You walk into my life and bring me my daughter. That was pretty big of you. Now you say you love me and I've got two hours to fuck myself in the ass. If we didn't have so much of our lives to share with each other, I'd just cut my tongue out right now and cut my losses. But that would be so lukewarm. Really. You'd know how I feel and never have to hear it again and I'd never be able to tell you. Or cause a fight and have to argue. Or hurt you and have to watch you leave. Dawn. Your hand grips my heart tight enough to ensure you a clean pull when you opt to take it. That's a pretty vulnerable position to be in. But I accept it. And you? Are you willing to put your heart on the line? To feel my hand gently around your heart. Knowing I could yank it clean only because you let the grip get that much tighter?"

Gawd she was beautiful. Everything about her was dressed up for Saturday night. She thought for a moment. She didn't look away from the road.

"We're not that intimate yet. Cool your jets and let things happen naturally, OK?"

"Fair enough, girlfriend. You know, you look stunning tonight. I'm glad I'm with you. Thanks for inviting me."

"I didn't. I hijacked you. First I threw you down on your floor and then hijacked you to Denver. Surely you remember. It was only ten minutes ago."

"But first you immobilize a guy and then you tell him you love him." I wanted to say 'and that's so like you', but I managed to contain myself.

"Dawn, when you decided you wanted a child, why did you choose me? Was I the only one or were there others?"

"You were attractive and beautiful and well-balanced. You looked like you'd breed well. I was right, too. And yes, I know for a fact that you're responsible for Tamara and not anybody else."

"Dawn, I was good enough for your daughter. You just said so. I'm good enough for you, too. You know it. Why don't you just say it? You already said that you love me. What does that really mean? When you say it?"

"You're good enough for me and you're good enough for my daughter."

"But do you really love me? Do you?"

"Good God, Billy. You sound exactly like a woman. When I say I love you, it means exactly what it says. It means I love you. Let's beat it to death and find out if we can squeeze another coupla words out of it."

"Let's. I can understand your not telling me anything about Tamara. Really I can. But what brought you back? Why did you try to find me after eight years?"

"Because Tamara asked me to."

"Because Tamara wanted to meet me?"

"That's only the beginning. Tamara wants an entire family. A big one."

"And you? What do you want?"

"I want to share and to feel. And to be shared and be felt in return. And yes, I can feel the tight grip of your hand around my heart, as you put it."

"Ever let that happen before?"

"No. Never. You know me better than that."

"No, I really don't. I know the you I think is you, but then you never fail to surprise me with a depth I wouldn't have known about. Dawn is deeper and brighter than Billy, so ya gotta just indulge me when I simply stand there in the sunlight. And I'm always eager to hold you while I'm standing there. Tamara, too. Do I come on too strong for you?"

She just smiled. "You're so you. More you than anybody else I know. Except Tamara. She's even more you than you'll ever be. Billy. I need help with her."

"Are you asking me to help you?"

"Yes, Billy. You can hear me say it. I'm saying it just for you. I need your help. Will you help me?"

"Yes, Dawn. I will help you. Always. Do you really want the help or do you just need it?"

"I 'just need' the help. I 'really want' you, Billy." By Gawd it sounded like she meant it.

We pulled into a large downtown building and she parked her car in the basement. The restaurant was at the top and we had a long elevator ride up. All we did was caress and kiss the entire ride. We made no attempt at reengaging ourselves with the world when the doors opened, and we both walked out looking like we'd been fooling around for dozens of floors.

We got a table near the window, and between the candles and the glitter of the city in the background, she sparkled like the goddess that she was. And she knew it. And she carried herself like she knew it the kind of way that makes men and women alike notice her from clear across the room. She could throw her persona around the corner and through closed doors if she chose. But what I remember most about that night was when she chose to throw it at me. Repeatedly. Like she was practicing for a big game. So I asked her about it.

"Dawn, when you do that flashing thing at me and surround me with your being, do you do it to a rhythm and pace, or is it improvisational?"

"To tell you the truth, it happens whenever I look at you and get connected. Like really connected."

"It's a cool feeling. Like bathing in happy rays."

"I learned it from Tamara. She does it to me all the time. That's the same thing she calls it, too! Bathing in happy rays. That's uncanny!"

"Here. Try this. Give me your hand." And I took it gently and stared into her eyes. She stared right back into mine and after a second or two, lightly squeezed my hand. We stared into each others' eyes like that for awhile and then our food came. And as we ate, we kept looking into each other. As deeply as our eyes could fathom. Just looking. And smiling alot. If I had been eating alone the next table over and witness to this degree of togetherness, I would have withered microscopic, never to be seen or heard from again. I never saw anybody have this much fun. But we did. And after dessert, she told me we have a room here for the night. She'd booked us a room in the hotel under our feet.

It was a spacious hotel room with luxurious accommodations and a large kingsize bed. Dawn excused herself for a moment and went into the bathroom. I sat down on the bed and stretched like a cat, looking at the walls and at a large mirror on the wall. I caught a reflection of myself and stood up. Just as I did, Dawn came out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a large amount of glitter body lotion. And her pumps. She threw the heel of her hand toward me and caught me right on the forehead. I fell back in the bed and she straddled me, sinking her nails into my chest and stroking it. She rubbed herself over me in a million different ways and left the scent of her lotion everywhere she touched. And she got up and danced for me on the bed, close but not touching me. And she brought herself to within an inch of my lips and whispered, "How can you put up with this and not wanna kiss me?" and I reached out and held her to me. For the ages. For all eternity I held her. And I kissed her for a thousand years.

And as we fused together in the night there, I stared deeply into her eyes as I first went into her. And she into mine. And all we did was plunge into each others' souls as we plunged into each other's bodies. And we plunged that much deeper. If Dawn knew depths of intimacy beyond experience, she expressed it in sex. In the deep coupling that only an opened mother could share. And she was fast and passionate and hard. And she was still controlling the show.

So I rolled her over and faced her as a lion in his den. And she was my lioness. For then and forever. And in our eyes, we knew all of the love we sought. Together. And we made it work. There was no first time or a second. We went at it all night, never knowing when we were finished and starting afresh. It was the most mind-altering sex I'd ever engaged in, and with a woman I loved who had even borne me a child.

Her head was buried deep in a pillow when I first woke up and saw her. I took her head gently in my hands and kissed her face as lightly as I could, trying not to wake her up too abruptly. She ran her lips gently across my face and hands, and with closed eyes, brought my hands, the two together, up to her lips and kissed them. Folding my hands back behind hers, she held my head and gently pulled me toward her. And we made love all over again, as if it were our first time.

I pulled one of her eyelids open, just to see an eye stare at me. She smiled at me with her entire face, and pulled me close to her lips. "You alright?" she asked.

"I'm fine, Dawn. How about you?"

"I'm fine, Billy."

"I love you, Dawn."

"I love you, Billy."

And we both fell asleep for another couple of hours.

We got up and showered together. We both had glitter lotion all over us. In fact, there was glitter lotion all over the bed. And the chair. And the table. It was everywhere.

Driving back into the heart of the Rockies from Denver, she raced most of the other cars on the highway, just for the hell of it. I guess you can do that when your car stands all of three feet off the ground and can go a hundred and eighty miles an hour. It just floated over the asphalt. Dawn was having a good time at it.

"Not as boring as those long flat straight roads in Florida, huh?" I asked.

"Oh, I could never do this in Florida. Not with twelve million old people in Cadillacs going thirty miles an hour."

"Do you miss it? Florida, I mean."

"Sometimes I really do. I miss the beach and the ocean. And the warm tropical nights. How about you?"

"I miss it. I always figured I'd go back sooner or later. I had alotta good times there. Good friends and good memories. What ever happened to Cherry, Frank's old girlfriend from the club?"

"I dunno. She was still working there when I stopped dancing. Did you ever know her sister?"

"Yeah, I sure did. She used to sell me pot. Her name was Rocky. Right?"

"Right. Short for Rocks In Her Head. She ripped off this Jamaican drug dealer and had to split the scene. She mighta gone back to Arkansas. But this dealer never knew that Cherry and her were sisters, so he didn't bother Cherry about it."

"Did she take his drugs or his money?"

"She took both. She took his plane, too. Stole it all at gunpoint. Her sleazy old man helped her do it. She got more for the plane than she did for ten years' worth of dancing. She had alotta cheek bragging about it, though. Like any of us were gonna model our careers after her..."

"How did you get out of the scene. Just stop showing up one day?"

"Pretty much. As soon as I knew I was pregnant with Tamara, I stopped dancing. I'd been doing massage therapy during the day anyway, so it wasn't like I didn't have a job. But I kinda missed the extra coupla hundred a night, though."

"So what did you do with all that spare time on your hands?"

"I haven't had any spare time since Tamara was born. That's just motherhood, sonny. Being a single mom was pretty tough, though. But it's what I wanted to do. Who I wanted to be. As hard as it was for, say, the first five years, it woulda been harder having a fucking guy hanging around." Then she looked over at me and said, "Sorry. That's just the way it was at the time."

"So you made a conscious decision to get pregnant and raise a child and you didn't want any guys around, right?"

"Uh huh."

"But then your daughter decides she wants guys around. Like a little brother and a daddy."

"Uh huh."

"Well, where do you stand? For yourself. Not for Tamara."

"I've had guys around. But not around Tamara."

"Never? Not ever?"

"No. Not once. You're the first guy she's seen me with."

"Did she ever try to fix you up? You know, act like a matchmaker?"

"Of course she did. That's why you're sitting here now. She only wanted one man in the house. In the whole world. She wanted her daddy."

"So you started a family figuring on doing it yourself. And then seven years later decide it would be a good idea to co-opt a third person. The daddy, as it were. Kind of a change in plans, huh? Pretty lucky thing I was, uh, 'accessible'. Like, real lucky, wouldn't you say?"

"Nah. I hedged my bets alittle. Well, alot. I didn't always know where you were or what you were doing. But Frank did. And I always made it a point to know where he was. For just that reason. From the minute you stumbled out of the back of his truck and puked all over the hood, I had a line on you through Frank."

"Really. Frank would do that for you?"

"No, sweetie. Frank would do that for you."

"So how did you end up my neighbor? Before I even moved in there?"

"I don't know. Just plain dumb luck."

"There's nothing plain or dumb about that kind of luck. More like the heavy hand of god. Come on. You can tell me. How did you do it?"

"Really, Billy. It was pure serendipidy. I didn't know you were where you were until I heard your voice through Tam's wall."

"While you were reading her a bedtime story from her favorite book? And then you both kept as still as you could, like a rock or a flower. And listened to me do some serious Pleading over the phone."

"Goddamn. You and Tam don't waste any time sharing intimacies, do you? What else did she tell you?"

"Oh, you know. Daddy-daughter stuff."

She reached her hand over to my head and ran her fingers through my hair. She put her hand on the back of my neck and started kneading it. She kept it up until she needed her hand back to work the gearshift.

"Did she tell you I cried when I heard your voice?"

"You scrunched your face up just like this." and I imitated Tamara imitating Dawn.

She took one look at me and busted up laughing. The car twitched around our lane, she was laughing so hard.

"Whatever happened between you and the woman you were pleading with? It sounded so... emotionally messy."

"Oh, the woman from Virginia. It was, as you say, emotionally messy. Messy enough that I went into therapy. I still do it. Once a week. Just so's you know."

"You went into therapy over a woman? Really?"

"No not really. I went into therapy over me. The woman just brought out some things I wanted to deal with."

"Billy?"

"Yeah Dawn."

"What were you pleading with her for? What did you want so desperately that I could feel your hurt like electricity through the wall?"

"I was pleading with her to level with me. To tell me where we stood. How she felt, one way or another."

"And?"

"She couldn't do it. And I never talked to her again."

"Was it that easy?"

"No. But it was that important. If you can't be honest about your feelings in a relationship, then there isn't one. If not honest to your partner, then at least to yourself. She owed me at least that much. But she wasn't honest to either of us, and so I can't really claim to have had a viable relationship with her. I don't even remember why it was that important to me. She was more a piece of concrete than a feeling partner."

"The depth of your pleading matched the hurt in your voice. You were begging her to open her heart to your love. And to love you. I was there. I heard it."

"Was that what made you cry?"

"No, Billy. I cried because it wasn't me on the other end of the phone. I know that sounds silly, but remember, this was the first time I'd heard your voice in many years. It wasn't the kind of romantic first encounter I would have written into a love story."

"What kind were you looking to write?"

"The one we wrote. Together. As Cassie and Billy."

She dropped me off at my place and headed on to pick up Tamara from a friend's house where she'd spent the night. As I walked back into my place and sat down, I was convinced beyond doubt that my life was going to change forever. That I'd have a household. And a child. And a child's mother. And Stability and Family. And a job. And a life. Everything was going to be very different. And I was so into it I couldn't think straight. The very idea of living with Dawn and Tamara sat on my shoulders like the finest topcoat ever tailored. Nothing about any of this felt wrong to me. Everything felt right.