Chapter XI (The Resurrected - A love story by Billy Shaw)

Saturday night was the anticipated full moon. Halli went over to Erik's house to spend the night. Jerry was headed up to the pass above the Basin to ski by moonlight and to camp out in whatever scene presented itself. Kelly and Chris were anticipating meeting up with Jerry for some late-season midnight riding, and Stasia was undecided about what she wanted to do. So she ended up at our place with Dawn and me. Naturally, the three of us wound up in the hot tub. Kelly had told her they'd be by my place later to see if she wanted to go up to the pass with them.

"So you're hanging out with boring old newlyweds." I said when Stasia told me what everybody was up to.

"But you guys are in magazines. Evidently somebody doesn't think you're that boring." she replied. I'd never seen her in a bathing suit, my time with her having been spent in the cold dead of winter. Even Dawn was straining to check out her details.

"Well, we're just improbable enough to interest those who care." Dawn said graciously.

"And I'm one of them, Dawn. Really." Stasia said.

"Oh? Why is that, Stasia?" Dawn asked.

"You're one of the most fascinating women I've ever met." she answered.

"You know, Stasia." I said. "Kelly thinks the same thing about you. What do you think about Kelly?"

"I like Kelly alot. She's her own woman. And I like that. And she's into something I don't know anything about. I don't pay any attention to glamour or fashion much less fame."

"That's ironic! Neither does Kelly." Dawn said. "She really doesn't. Whatever it is she does, she does it naturally."

"Up to a point." I added to my wife's comment.

"Up to a point?" Stasia asked.

"Up to a very strange point." Dawn responded. "Kelly likes to draw people into her trip. Maybe just special people. Or maybe anybody. I'm not actually sure yet."

"I wouldn't be so sure Kelly really knows the difference." I added.

"You guys are both talking in your own code. You do it all the time. What the heck are you all talking about?"

"We're talking about oven crockery." Dawn said. "Kelly's been handed a complimentary ticket into the stars. And now she thinks everybody needs to ride along with her. Her friends. My daughter. And you. How do you feel about taking that trip with her, Stasia? Have you given it any thought?"

"Only about what you've told me. She has her side of it and you guys have yours. She says the world is a playground. It's a giant toybox with everything she needs to stay busy and have a good time. I've never seen the world like that before. I've always seen the world from the inside of a hospital. Being a doctor was all I ever wanted and it's taken up my entire life. From early highschool onward. Even now. And there's no end to it. It's a complete lifetime. It's a box of its own alright... but no toys. Only human troubles, Dawn. Watching people get sicker or get better. That's so far removed from Kelly's world, I wonder if she knows a world like mine even exists."

"That's the whole purpose behind creating and elevating the Kelly Stones of the world." Dawn said. "She's entertainment. Ultimately, she's a diversion. Nobody appreciates that better than I do. I raised it myself to a new level within the artform."

"Why did you do it, Dawn? What compelled you to become a celebrity?" she asked.

"Celebrity begins and ends within yourself." Dawn answered. "First you develop an intense desire for the fame and the money. It's like you can't live without it."

"And then?" Stasia asked.

Dawn and I both looked at her the same way. As if she were ready to grasp the subject faster than I had. Almost spontaneously.

"Fame is a fanstasticly hot oven, Stasia." Dawn said. "Any kind of fame. It doesn't matter if you're a movie star or a celebrity doctor. Once people know who you are, you're on broil. When the heat of your own desires matches the heat of the oven, you won't get burned. But let your own desires cool down and you need to get out of the oven. It's just not the place for people who don't burn to be in there. That's why I told you over at Kelly's place that you can afford to walk away."

"You always talk to me like you really care, Dawn. Do you really care what happens to me?" she asked impatiently as she looked in my direction.

"I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt because you're my husband's friend." Dawn answered smoothly.

"Oh? That's something of an oversimplification." Stasia said. "Isn't it?"

I stared at Dawn intently wondering what she would say next.

"Let me unsimplify it then. Indulge me my unsimplification, Stasia." she said almost without thought. "Would you like to know when I first became aware of Billy's presence?"

"No. Tell me." Stasia said with renewed interest as she leaned toward Dawn in the tub.

"I was putting my daughter to sleep. Reading her a bedtime story. And I heard Billy's voice through Halli's bedroom wall. From the next apartment. He was on the phone." Dawn stopped and let it hang there.

"Oh?" Stasia managed.

"He was pleading his heart out. To a woman in Virginia."

"Oh?" she said as her eyes got bigger.

"I won't recount the conversation. I'm sure it's familiar to the three of us."

"Uh huh." Stasia was entranced. Dawn was practically Amanda.

"So I cried. Right then and there, Stasia. In front of my daughter." Dawn said.

"Really? Why?" she asked.

"Stasia. I came to Colorado because my daughter had asked me to meet her father. It never occurred to me that I might love him. It never crossed my mind until I heard him pleading for another woman's love. For your love."

"That's what you were thinking when you started crying?!" Stasia asked with surprise.

"I was thinking how much it should have been me on the other end of that phone! That's what I found myself thinking." Dawn said frankly.

"Why are you telling me this, Dawn."

"You asked me why I care, Stasia. I'm answering your question. I care because Billy cared. He cared so much it made me cry."

"And so that started your uh,... most recent connection?" Stasia asked.

"Exactly. And that recent connection became a permanent bond." Dawn said. "But it started that night on the phone. With you."

"So you're saying I'm a part of that?" she asked.

"Yes, Stasia. You are. That's why I care. You see, Billy hands his heart out to people. That's just the way he is. But you and I aren't quite like that. We rip them out of people's chests when we want to. And we don't go around handing our hearts out like he does. It would be out of character."

"I'm not sure I understand." Stasia said. I certainly didn't, but I wouldn't have undermined Dawn's point by confessing as much.

"That night was the first time in my life I ever contemplated handing out my heart. I knew I would give it to Billy. If he would have it. It was a milestone, honey. It was going to be out of character for me but I knew I would do it. I was ready to fight you for him, Stasia. I was ready to grab at his heart the very second your grip faltered."

"Faltered?" Stasia asked.

"But I didn't need to. He asked me out. He asked me to start dating him!"

"So he got over me. I never doubted that he would."

"Get to the punchline, Dawn!" I said. "Tell her I didn't know who I was dating."

"Billy didn't recognize me from Florida! He was attracted to two different women at two different times in his life and they turn out to be the same woman."

"Well at least he's consistent." Stasia said with a smile. "But why are you telling me all this? You're sharing some fairly intimate parts of your lives together."

"You can too, Stasia. It's OK. Share something with us in return." Dawn said.

"Like what? I'm not sure I have anything interesting to share."

"Oh yes you do. Tell me about Jerry." Dawn said. "You said you love him some of the time. Is that really true or were you sugarcoating things for my daughter's sake?"

"That's just the way it is, Dawn. I love Jerry some of the time." she said.

"The way you loved Billy? Did you love Billy some of the time? Are you going to do Jerry the way you did Billy?" Dawn asked gently and persistently. "Are you going to hang him out to dry in the raw desert silence?"

"How dare you?!" Stasia erupted. "What gives you the right to be that intrusive?!" She could have run with it, but I think she was actually speechless.

"Why, this does." Dawn said nonchalantly as she held up my hand in hers and showed Stasia the twin bands. "Now Billy's wife says she's connected to you. And Kelly was absolutely right when she said your two best friends were sitting in the same room with you. I can be one of your best friends too, Stasia. If you'll let me. Won't you let me into your world? Kelly's offering you smoke and mirrors, sweetheart. I'm offering you some kindness and friendship. If I weren't, I promise you Billy would have stopped me dead in my tracks already."

Stasia was clearly turning crimson. I almost thought I could hear blood vessels popping inside her head. I was bracing for a major Anastasia eruption but the more I looked at her, the more she looked like Halli just before the burst of tears. And then they came. Stasia sobbed and rocked within herself as violently as I've ever seen a woman cry. There was a striking similarity to the same scene with Halli and Kelly. Same hot tub... different women.

Dawn moved toward Stasia attempting to embrace her. But Stasia's instinctive response was to draw her forearms up as if she were preparing to scream. Dawn put her hands lightly onto Stasia's shoulders and simply waited for her to make fuller contact. Suddenly I felt out of place. Like I didn't belong there.

As I started to get out of the tub, Dawn turned to me and said," No Billy. Stay here. It'll be OK." So I sank back into the water as unobtrusively as I could.

Stasia let out a wailing cry and Dawn hugged her tightly. Dawn was whispering into her ear but I couldn't hear what she was saying. They were like that for a couple of minutes and Stasia continued to cry.

Then Stasia raised her head from Dawn's shoulder and said, "Thanks, Dawn. I'll be OK now. Really." The two women hugged each other again tightly and each one relaxed her grip on the other. Stasia sat down in the tub and Dawn sat beside her. They sat together in silence and stared into the incandescent green water.

"I really don't love him, Dawn."

"Jerry?" she asked.

"Yeah. I can be good friends with him. Even sexual. But I don't love him."

"Fair enough." Dawn said.

Stasia looked up at her again and tears started streaming from her eyes. "I just don't think I can love a man, Dawn. I don't have it in me. I'm... different. Can you understand that, Cassandra Hallidey?" There was pleading in her eyes.

Dawn let a couple of seconds lapse. Then she began talking casually and with kindness. "Sweetheart. Have you ever dealt with this before?"

"No." came the answer softly as she trembled.

Dawn put her arm around Stasia's shoulder. "It's not the end of the world, Stasia. It's not a sickness and it's not a crime. It's a preference. You can live your preferences or you can deny them. Denying them has ended up hurting a number of people including most importantly, yourself."

Stasia looked as if she wanted to hug Dawn again, but she recoiled herself in seeming embarrassment. So Dawn took the initiative and hugged her.

"But Dawn. I'm hiding behind a thick wall of ice and all I ever manage to do is to hurt people! I know I hurt Billy. And neither of us knows why. And I'm ready to hurt Jerry the same way." She turned to me. "Billy, I'm nothing but an unassailable heartache to you. Do you understand what's happening... any more than I do?"

"Billy understands, darling. That's why I thought it was important for him to stay here with us. Is that OK, Stasia?" Dawn said looking at me.

"I want to hear Billy say it. Do you forgive me, Billy? Please say you do. Please?"

I swam over to the two women and hugged them both. "I would forgive you for being yourself. But it's not for me to forgive. Just being with you at this moment in your life is more than enough compensation for anything you've ever done to me. Don't worry about me, girl."

"You know I would have bitten your head off for calling me girl. You always knew it so you never did. And yet you're doing it now and you're doing it casually. You knew all along, didn't you."

"Yes dear. Billy understands alot more than he lets on." Dawn said.

"Was I the only one in the dark? About myself no less! What do I do now?" Stasia asked.

"The very first thing we do is downplay the dramatics." I said. "Let's just step outside of ourselves for a moment and look around. Can you do that, Stasia?"

"I guess. What do you mean?" she answered.

"There's a world of difference between coming out of denial and coming out of the closet. You say you haven't dealt with this issue before. There are things you'll want to get clear on before you declare yourself."

"Such as?" she said.

"Have you actually had intimate relationships with women?" I asked.

"Well, no I haven't."

"OK. So you're viewing it as either or. That's not necessarily accurate. Everybody's different. Not just you." I said as Dawn laid back and watched me with interest. "There's a wide spectrum of preference available to you and it would be ... advantageous to find out if you're sitting at the end of the spectrum or somewhere in the middle. Are you following me?"

"Yes." Stasia said through her tears.

"Stasia." I said gently. "You have intimacy issues with men. What makes you think it's a gender-specific issue?"

"I guess I just assumed that if I couldn't connect with the one that I was meant to connect with the other." she answered with a sniffle.

"But what if that isn't the case?" I asked. "What if your intimacy issues are with people you draw close to you? Men and women alike. That wouldn't define your sexual preferences. That would only serve to chase you around your own head. You'd be bouncing off the walls of your skull like a golfball!"

"So what are you saying?" she asked.

"I'm saying that to be a true lesbian you should enjoy intimate relations with women to the exclusion of men. Your simple inabilities to develop intimate relationships with men does not make you a lesbian. It might be symptomatic, yes. But you haven't explored all of your possibilities. What if you end up in counseling because you've started wrecking women the same way as it was with men? Would that necessarily make you asexual? And what else is left? Animals?"

"I don't know. I haven't thought things through that far." she answered. "Dawn. You know more about this than I do. Is Billy right?"

"In a negative sort of way. Let's put it in a positive light." Dawn answered. "If you enjoy intimate and sexual relationships with men and you either don't or won't enjoy them with women, then you're heterosexual. If you enjoy intimate and sexual relationships with women and either don't or won't enjoy them with men, then you're a lesbian. And if you enjoy these relationships with men and women alike, regardless of how evenhanded you are about it, then you're bisexual. So far, you haven't said anything about yourself that clearly puts you into any of these categories."

"I haven't? What do you mean?" she said.

"Do you think gays are immune to the problems that drive straight couples into counseling?" I asked. "Any two people attempting to pursue an intimate relationship can face problems on their chosen paths to intimacy. And then they'll have to deal with it. Their chosen sexual preferences might not be the issue. Does that make any sense to you?"

"I guess it does." Stasia said after some hesitation. "Are you saying I might be jumping the gun?"

"I'm not saying that." I responded. "You know yourself and your own tastes better than anyone else ever will. You have to decide some things for yourself. What I'm saying is that we could be having this conversation right now about a jilted girlfriend named Geraldine instead of Jerry or Billy. And if we were, would you be so quick to decide you're actually straight? Of course not. We'd be telling you to consider getting some assistance with a basic life issue. We'd be suggesting that you address an intimacy issue. Neither Dawn nor I are in a position to suggest that you reorient your sexual preferences. The suggestion itself would be absurd."

"So you guys are saying I could be a people-eater?" she said with dead seriousness.

"You're capable of being any one of four people." Dawn said. "Either you hit it off with men. Or you hit it off with women. Or you hit it off with both. Or you hit it off with nobody. So far, you're sounding like a nobody type, Stasia."

Anastasia started crying again. This time, Dawn just let her be. Dawn and I looked at each other for a few seconds and then Dawn shrugged at me.

"Stasia." I said imploringly. "Stasia. Look at me."

She looked up through the veil of tears.

"You're pretty good at being hard on yourself. It's no surprise you're hard on the people around you. But being a nobody person has served you well. At least you've made the best of it. It's not a bad characteristic for a medical student. But there comes a time when you need to make changes. Are you there now? Is this your time to make changes?" I held out my arm and placed a hand on her shoulder. It was the hand with my wedding band. Dawn saw it at the same time I did. Stasia probably didn't notice. But the bond between Dawn and I was getting even stronger.

Just then the cellphone rang. It was sitting on a pile of towels beside the tub. Dawn reached over to grab it.

"Hi Kelly." she spoke into the piece of plastic with not less than psychic authority.

"Hold on a minute." she said again. She held the phone to her other hand muffling the mouthpiece.

"Stasia. Kelly and Chris are passing by and they want to know whether or not to come over here and pick you up."

"Can I hang with you guys? I know it's an imposition." Stasia said tentatively and with tears.

Dawn put the phone back to her head. "Kelly. Stasia's staying with us tonight. But do me a favor, honey. A big favor." and she paused. "Can you come by our place tomorrow morning sometime? Just you?"

And there was another pause. Stasia and I looked at each other and I gave her shoulder a squeeze. I said, "Don't worry about things, Stasia. It's a kind scene and you're around good people."

Dawn finished talking to Kelly and placed the phone back on the stack of towels.

"Those people are crazy!" she said to the both of us. "They're headed up to Loveland Pass with a videographer!" Then she looked out at the moon rising above us. It was bright and full.

I reached over to the phone and dialed up the local avalanche report. After listening to the recorded message, I returned it to the side of the tub. "You're right. So let's assume they know what they're doing. At the least, I'll give Jerry the benefit of the doubt."

"Stasia. Halli's over at Erik's tonight. You can stay in my daughter's room." she said with a smile.

"Kelly was right." Stasia said.

Dawn and I both looked at her. "Again?" I asked.

"She said you were the coolest people around to hang out with. I'm starting to love both you guys. I really am." Stasia said with embarrassment.

"We're millennial." I said.

"Oh Jesus! Don't start with that crap!" Dawn implored.

"OK. We're primordial children of the water." I offered. "Dawn and I started our resurrected relationship right here in this tub. And everything important between us that wasn't said in a bed somewhere was said right here. It's magical, Stasia."

"Did you guys do your first kiss here? The resurrected kiss." Stasia asked.

"No, girl." I said. "In fact, we did that one outside a pool hall in the main village. On the banks of a lake. About twenty minutes before I met the little girl who turns out to be my daughter."

"What was that like, Billy? The first time you saw her." Stasia asked intently. Dawn practically craned to attention as well.

"My daughter or not, it was the most stunningly vivid image I've ever seen. Mother and daughter in a backlit hallway. Daughter was a half-sized clone of the most beautiful woman I'd ever met. And there were two of them standing there right in front of me."

"Wow!" both women said in near-unison.

"No man could have walked out of that apartment not wanting to be with them for the rest of his life. But I was that man and it became my calling."

"Did you have even the slightest suspicion that you were looking at your own daughter?" Stasia asked. Looking at Dawn, I could tell that if Stasia hadn't asked the question, she would have asked it herself.

"Not the vaguest. But I was so full of desire that I drove right to Arizona... to find my mother to help me put my head back on straight. I told her what I'd seen and she was the first one to raise the possibility."

"Really?" Stasia asked.

"Have you met this woman?" Dawn asked. "Billy's mother?"

"No. I haven't."

"Her name is Amanda." Dawn said.

"Amanda Shannon?" Stasia asked. "Amanda Shannon is your mother-in-law?!"

"And people like you wonder where people like Billy come from..." Dawn said casually.

"Fuck me! I never made the connection!"

"Don't think you're the only person running around in the dark." I said. "I didn't know who Cassandra Hallidey was until Carl and Halli explained it to me. And of all people, my own mother knew her the moment she met her. Talk about missing some connections!"

"You mean Dawn never told you?"

"I guess it kinda slipped her mind." I said with a teasing smile. "It never really made much of an impression on me. I was more impressed that I was dating the woman of my dreams from a tittie bar in south Florida."

Stasia started to turn crimson again.

"What?! What did I say?!" I said with concern.

"I gotta ask both you guys." she said. "It's a sensitive question. For me at least..."

"Shoot, girl." I said.

"Well..." she started gingerly. "Cassandra Hallidey is an... unrestrained woman. Did it change anything between you guys? I mean, that magazine article said Cassandra and Kelly were lovers."

"On film. I'm a professional film lover, Stasia." Dawn said. "I'm an... unrestrained woman when the film's running. Otherwise, I'm Dawn Shannon. And Hallie's mother."

"And the professional woman's ready to hop out of the oven." I said. "I didn't encourage it. I don't even pretend to understand it. I always figured a woman of Cassandra's stature can do whatever the hell she wants to. And that's what Amanda Shannon calls millennial."

"And get this, Stasia!" Dawn said with excitement. "Billy's actually more jealous of me than he is of Kelly!"

"Damn straight!" I said. "My girlfriend was hanging out with Kelly Stone!" I said with satisfaction.

"So it doesn't like... bother you?" she asked.

"No Stasia. It really doesn't. I know both these women and I don't know which one to be more jealous of!"

"You're not jealous of either one of them." Stasia said with a strong gaze. "You're like Halli said you are. You're just... placid!"

"Look at my wife, Stasia. Tell me I'm not in a position to be the most placid man in the world."

"And you really are, aren't you. And none of it bothers you?" she asked.

"I'm a placidly married man, honey. My best friend is sitting in the same hot tub I am. Surely you can see that."

"I guess what I'm getting at is... my own thing... doesn't it put you off? Are other men like this? Can any of them be this placid?" Stasia asked from the depths of her soul. I could tell.

"It's an issue of intimacy, Stasia. That's what we keep trying to tell you. Dawn doesn't have this issue hanging over her head like you do. Dawn and I deal with it. The togetherness thing, I mean."

"Deal with it?" she asked. "How did you guys deal with it?"

"That's a tough question, Stasia." Dawn said. "But Billy and I want to be closer to each other. He does things that he knows make me more comfortable in our relationship. And I try in my own way to accommodate. Things just seem to work out."

"We talk to each other, Stasia." I said. "Whatever else we do together, we talk."

"We also have a daughter together. That counts for alot." Dawn added.

The three of us sat together in silence huddled in the same little corner of the tub. Stasia was sitting there in the revealed world of her own awakening. Dawn and I sat with her engulfed in the moment.

I jumped over the railing into the pool and started swimming. Dawn was right behind me.

"Wanna race?" I asked.

"Let's dance like Halli and Erik!" she said.

We swam around as a couple in three dimensions. Stasia joined us a moment later and the three of us swam and cooled down from the heat of the tub.

We got out of the water and dried off using the stack of towels beside the pool. Then we went upstairs and showed Stasia around. Dawn took her to Halli's room and left her to make herself at home.

"An interesting woman, Billy." Dawn said quietly as she peeled off her bathing suit.

"Do you really like her?" I asked.

"She's a keeper. I can see the attraction."

"But she's in such a transition. That girl's got a long road ahead. To anywhere she goes." I said.

"Yeah. And Kelly's not helping matters any." Dawn said.

"Does it really matter?" I said. "Kelly wasn't helping us any and we managed to get our own act together. But honestly, Dawn. That wasn't Kelly's fault. All her advice was from Cassandra Hallidey. Like a role model."

"OK. Point taken. But I'm certainly not her role model now."

"No. Instead, you're Anastasia's. Better you than Kelly. Is that what you're thinking?"

"Good God I don't need to be anybody's role model. Except Halli's. And you know where that's taking us."

"That's kinda funny. Can you see Halli as Stasia's role model?"

"Right. I'm not even sure Halli likes her that much." Dawn said.

"They're such totally different creatures." I said. "The only thing they have in common is perhaps the room Stasia gets to stay in for one night."

"Oh?" Dawn asked. "Is that the only thing they have in common?"

"What do you mean?"

"They both love Dawn and Billy. Think about it! Halli's who she is because of us. Stasia's in such a transition, as you put it. And she believes everything we say. Kelly was that way for an instant."

"Kelly insists that hanging around you keeps her head on straight." I said.

"Us, man. Kelly relates to us as a couple."

"I think Stasia relates to us as a couple, too. But I won't kid myself, Dawn. Stasia relates to you the same way Kelly relates to you. Without you, these women wouldn't be giving me the time of day."

"Yes they would, Billy. They both like having friends. I do too. It's cool to hang with cool people. I don't have to tell you that."

"Dawn. I love hanging with cool women. It's the reason God put me here. But it doesn't mean they have to listen to me. They might not believe a word I say. They believe you simply because you say it. Nobody says I believe it because Billy says it. They believe it because Cassandra says it."

"Billy Shannon! Are you saying I'm cooler than you are?!"

"Of course you are, sweetheart. That's the reason I married you. You asked me why I wanted to date you. Remember? I said because you're too cool. Cool people should marry each other and make cool babies."

"Or make cool babies and then marry each other." she said.

"When you're as cool as you are, Cassandra, you get to make the rules. Billy doesn't get to make any rules."

"Oh, that's only because you choose not to. You're not much of a rulemaker."

"It's not my nature." I said. "I prefer to let the buffalo roam where they will."

"And you're plenty good at it too. You know, Billy. If it weren't for our daughter, I wouldn't be giving up my career. You're probably capable of handling the Cassandra thing."

"Probably? That sounds like almost."

"I used to fantasize about potential husbands. But I would have never fantasized you. It would have been impossible."

"You fantasized about being married? Really?" I asked.

"Oh Billy. Every woman fantasizes about her Prince Charming. He's the silent strong type who always says the right thing, if he says anything at all. But when you told Stasia that whatever else we do, we talk, I realized that no woman could simply dream you up. You're something that just happens."

"I'm just a happening? That's funnier than shit! Kelly told Halli that she was a happening! Right there in the same hot tub Stasia just sat in!"

"You and Halli are both happenings! You're both happening people." Dawn said. "You're both the same kind of loving happening that transcends fantasy. People feel happy just being around the two of you."

"That's so cool, Dawn. That's the coolest thing I've ever heard."

"But you'll probably always be cooler than Halli. Our daughter is just smart enough to recognize some of that cool and play it up to her own advantage. Just like I would. But you're a natural creature of your own innocence. Halli won't stay that way."

"That's what keeps bugging you, isn't it. Every step Halli takes in the direction of your oven takes her farther away from the innocence of a natural creature. Is that it?"

"Actually, that's well put. As nicely put as I've ever heard it. And you've more than learned about my oven, Billy The way you described it to Stasia was decently accurate. And yet you're still playing possum with my own decisions. You're not ignorant anymore and yet you claim your ignorance like a birthright. Let's just get down to it. You don't think I'm doing the right thing, do you."

"Dawn. What was the first thing I said to Stasia when she laid it on us she thought she was gay?"

"You said something like let's cut the dramatics and look at things. Cool touch, lover. I liked it."

"It's generic advice. It never fails to make decent sense." I said.

"And what. You don't think I'm doing the right thing and you're telling me to cut the dramatics and look around? Everything I see tells me I'm making the right decision."

"And I'm your husband and life partner through the rest of your decisionmaking process. You told me so yourself. You're so busy making the right decisions for Halli and me I just wanna make sure you're doing the right thing for you, Dawn. That's all. I'm not engaged in Kelly's trip and I'm not in this for me. I love you and I want to see you doing the things that stoked your fires when the desire ran hot enough to raise the levels of your own artform."

"Jesus! You don't miss a goddamned thing, do you?" she said.

"I hang on your every word, Mrs. Shannon. I really do. I cherish every one of them that comes out of your mouth. Now if you want to rest on your accomplishments and start things from scratch I'm with you every step of the way. But don't you ever, ever try to hold your sacrifices up to me and tell me you did it for me. I won't stand in your way if you do that to Halli. It's your decision to make. But don't do it with me."

"Now let me give you some generic advice, Billy Shannon." she said with patience and love in her eyes. "Cut the dramatics and look at things. I don't make decisions for the two of us. We both make decisions here. And I've never been more partnered than I am right now. But if you think I'm making a sacrificial decision and slitting my own throat, then I hasten to remind you that I've assumed a medical career I'm excited about and I know and expect and trust you'll be sharing my ups and downs. I would have gotten here without you and I'm happy to share the ride, but lay off buddy before I hogtie your skinny little extremities and turn you into a topcoat."

"I'm sorry, Dawn." I said. "I'm being out of line and you're being pretty cool about things. Forgive me please. OK?"

"You're being such a quintescential guy husband right now it makes me want to whoop up some coldcuts for halftime. I'm just glad you didn't drag your truckdriving buddies into our living room for the rest of the game."

"I don't have any truckdriving buddies. They all drive buses."

"And I don't have any coldcuts. So we're both gonna cut the dramatics and sit down like post-neanderthals. Watch how I do this, honey. First I'm bending at the waist and next I'm placing my posterior down on this cushiony soft material called upholstering. Think you can ape me into a similar position?"

"Oooh oooh!" I started scratching the top of my head and bouncing around like an orangutan but I wasn't sitting down on the sofa.

"Sit goddamnit!" was all I needed to hear and I was onto the sofa and next to Dawn in a flash.

"Yes dear. The first two words to be mastered by an evolved creature." I said politely.

"Cool. Now I'm going to teach you the next four words you'll need to know. I guess you're right. Say them with me. I guess you're right."

"I guess you're right." I mimicked.

"Perfect. Yes dear, I guess you're right." she said. "Now you've mastered a vocabulary of six complete words."

"Yes dear. I guess you're right." I said.

"Great! You're evolving into quite a guy!" she said with a laugh. "I want to teach you some tricks as well, but not with company in the house."

"Will Stasia be alright, Dawn?" I asked. "Is there optimism where there's heartache?"

"She'll decide that for herself. She has a kind scene, as you put it. The rest is up to her."

A moment later we heard Stasia's voice from Halli's bedroom. "I need to borrow some clothes, you guys."

"She's the same size as you are." I told Dawn quietly. "Anything you have will fit her well enough."

Dawn got up and went into Halli's room. She led Stasia into our bedroom and Dawn showed her some gowns and leisurewear she thought Stasia might like. They emerged a few minutes later with Stasia garbed in a silk sari with a knotted belt. Stasia still had a towel wrapped around her wet hair.

"This is a pretty cool place." Stasia said. "Did you get it together? You and Billy?"

"No. Billy was living here when Halli and I moved in." Dawn said. "We were comtemplating building a house with the money from the video I did with Kelly. But circumstances changed."

"Kelly told me you decided to withhold the video." Stasia said. "That was alot of money to maintain your integrity."

"I didn't do it to maintain my integrity, Stasia. I did it to maintain my sense of placid."

"Placid? Like you and Billy?"

"Exactly."

"Kelly said it was serious money. You sacrificed millions of dollars to maintain placid?"

"I sure did." Dawn said. "I can always buy a video production. I can't buy placid, honey. It was the first time in my life I had a set of priorities where fame and fortune didn't make the top of the list."

"Well Dawn. You guys still have a pretty cool place."

"Thanks, Stasia. Billy buys me flowers and cooks the food. It's a fair combination of who he is and what we come home to."

"He buys you flowers?"

"All our friends do. Your peace lillies are right there in the corner of the living room. Billy asked me to mist them the first night they arrived." she said with a wry smile.

"Nice!" Stasia admired. "Did you have to train him or did he come that way?"

"Oh, he came that way." Dawn said. "I trained him to sit on the couch like homo sapiens but other than that he manages to figure things out for himself." She looked at me and smiled.

Dawn and Stasia came to my part of the sofa and sat down.

"This is a pretty weird scene, you guys." Stasia said.

"Well you're a pretty weird woman." I added. "The both of you are highly special people. It's kinda neat you guys are even here together much less sharing your wardrobes."

"Well, Dawn's doing the sharing. I don't have much to offer. I didn't even know I would be staying with you guys. All my stuff is over at Kelly's place."

"Dawn shares with Kelly too." I said.

"So I've seen." Stasia said. "I tried on the leather pants once. I was the same size. But I told Billy I normally wear something tighter."

"Yeah." Dawn said. "Same here. That's why I gave them away in the first place."

"And then you gave them away again. God I loved those pants." I said wistfully.

"You'll get over it." Dawn said. "Maybe Kelly will give them to Halli when the time comes. I'm gonna go change clothes. I trust you two can keep each other occupied." Then she got off the sofa and went in the other room.

"Do you think I'm gay?" she asked me.

"I don't know. I think you're the nobody type Dawn described."

"Is that... worse?"

"That's something you need to decide for yourself, Stasia. It might be the best. It just depends on what you're looking for from your personal life."

"I don't really know what I want from a personal life."

"Then you can't say whether anything is better or worse. These are meaningless judgements." I said.

"When did you know what you wanted from your personal life, Billy?"

"Honestly?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"When you and I started dating each other, I thought I knew what I wanted. But my expectations were so out of line with yours that even a basis for compatibility didn't exist. It took me long slow silent months to figure out we weren't in a relationship anymore. Then I started coming back to reality and I managed to leave the doped-up idealized images behind. That's about the time I knew what I wanted from my personal life."

"But wasn't that about when you started dating Dawn?"

"It sure was. And this time I was keen to try nailing down the expectation thing before it got out of hand. So we talked about it. On our first date, even."

"Oh? Did it help any?" she asked.

"We both agreed they were empty words but it still gave us something to talk about. First I asked her if anything we could say about it actually meant anything and she said no. Then we talked about it. Then we agreed that she'd rip the heart out of my chest before I'd get a clean shot at hers. Pretty romantic, huh?"

"Isn't that almost the same thing as not talking about it?"

"God no, Stasia! Even toying with each other like that was an early form of closeness. Like little wrestling lion cubs. We were in the early morning hours of a dawning relationship."

"Little lion cubs on steroids." she said.

"Well, it's true we did have something of a previous vocabulary between the two of us. But Lord help me Stasia, I didn't know it the first two times we dated."

"Was Dawn so different from Cassandra?"

"Enough to consciously obscure the connection. Yes. But the night after our second date I started having vivid dreams about the Cassandra I knew back in Florida. Before I got up the next morning I was open to the possibility that these two women were one in the same. Meanwhile, it hadn't occurred to Dawn that I was as clueless as I was. It made for moments of classic irony neither of us have yet to fully appreciate." I smiled.

"Classic irony? It's a fully eccentric love story!" Stasia said. "Authentically worthy of Billy Shannon."

"And a few months later you're sitting on our sofa half naked in Dawn's silk with a towel wrapped around your head. It wasn't fully eccentric until tonight. Now we're on full tilt, honey."

"Have I been coming on too strong?" she said as she started turning crimson. "I didn't have the vaguest idea I'd be making primal discoveries about myself in your hot tub."

"You're strong even in your weakest moments." Dawn said as she came back into the room. She was wearing a white velvet robe with zebra striping. She strode over to Stasia and sat down. "Strength in a woman is an attractive quality."

"It doesn't put people off?" she asked.

"Of course it does. It puts off the very people you don't need hanging around." Dawn said.

"And the rest. They hang around just long enough to try and change you." Stasia said with a frown.

"Not the rest. Just some of the rest." Dawn said.

"Everybody tries to change you sooner or later. Even Billy tried."

"Oh? What did Billy try? What did he really try to do?" Dawn asked.

"He tried to turn me into some kind of idealized soulmate."

"Guilty as charged." I said. "That's not an unfair characterization. It was my mistake. I fucked up."

"Stasia. I know it's immaterial because you've already said how you feel. But has Jerry been doing the same thing? The idealized soulmate thing?" Dawn asked.

"Not as much as Billy did. But he still does it. And it really turns me off." Stasia answered.

"In what way? How does it turn you off?" Dawn asked.

"It makes me feel like I'm his psychiatrist." she said. "I want a partner. Not a patient."

"So your partners would stand a better chance around you if they kept their issues to themselves?" Dawn asked.

"It would be a start." Stasia answered. "I'd prefer a partner that didn't have any issues. Or at least one with the strength to resolve them privately."

"The strong silent type." I said.

"Then how could you have been attracted to Billy?" Dawn asked. "He's the last man I'd ever put on my list of strong silent types. I don't even think he sees them as desirable qualities."

"Billy." Stasia asked. "Would you see them as desirable qualities in a woman?"

"Strength in silence is probably desirable in a ranking military officer. But I wouldn't be attracted to one. No." I said. "Not unless they let their hair down after hours."

"That's interesting." she responded. "I always thought you were attracted to me because I was the strong silent type. Honestly. That's what I thought you were looking for. And I was looking for the same thing."

"Everybody who knows you thinks you're strong." I said. "But nobody you've ever been around thinks you're silent. That's not you at all."

"Well I try to be."

"Well try cutting your tongue out or something. You're nobody's idea of a silent woman." I said.

"Is that who you want to be, Stasia?" Dawn asked. "The strong silent type?"

"It's who I thought I was already. It's who I thought I needed to be."

"As a doctor, perhaps." I said. "But certainly not as somebody's partner."

"Yes Billy. I've been slow making the distinction. Or just plain reluctant. I never wanted to slice myself into multiple entities. I was trying to be the same person around everybody. Doesn't that make sense though?"

"Sure! If it works." I said. "Is it working, Stasia?"

"Well..." she said thoughtfully. "No. No it's not."

"Why not?" Dawn asked. "Aren't you strong and silent enough?"

"OK Dawn. You don't need to make a joke out of it." she said.

"I'm dead serious, Stasia." Dawn shot back. "You're already into the nobody type. What's out there beyond that? Outright monasticism? That would be cumbersome for a physician."

"So you're both saying that the strong and silent type isn't making it." she said.

"The strong and silent type makes for a great boyfriend. Or girlfriend. If you're not looking for a relationship." Dawn said. "The strong and silent type is a lump of flesh you take to bed with you when you can't spare the time and energy to deal with a heart and a brain. But you don't have meaningful relationships with them. That's the whole purpose of their existence. They spare you the trouble of having to think or feel around them. I don't want to be putting words into my husband's mouth, but I think Billy finds them offensive."

"Even if I were Don Villy the Godfather." I said. "I can't afford to have these lumps of flesh around me. I need emotionally accurate, verbally responsive consiglieres. I would have to insist upon it." Thereupon I blew my wife a not necessarily unseductive kiss. Right over Stasia.

"It's not a matter of aesthetics or taste. It's a matter of optimized practical consideration."

"But it is a matter of taste, Billy." Stasia said. "My tastes run toward the strong silent type. That's just what turns me on."

"That's fine, Stasia." Dawn said. "Then lay off men like Billy and Jerry. They're not your type. It's that simple."

"But I like the Billys and Jerrys of the world. I really do. I'd be more attracted to them if they were just a little less open all the time."

"Then you're misappraising the inherent values of these men." Dawn said with finality. "You just don't get it."

"No. I guess I don't." Stasia replied.

"Well, ladies." I said. "We can afford to leave it at that and nobody leaves the couch any worse off than when they sat down."

"Stasia." Dawn said. "We'll leave the light on in the kitchen for you. If you get hungry or thirsty during the night just go in and make yourself at home. OK, honey?"

"Thanks, Dawn. I appreciate you guys taking care of me. I know it's an imposition."

"Not at all. Just feel at home here. OK?" Dawn said.

"Sure. Thanks!"

Dawn kissed Stasia on the cheek and squeezed her hand. I stood up and reached down to help Dawn off the sofa. Then she reached down and lent Stasia her hand. Stasia retired into Halli's bedroom and Dawn and I retreated into ours. She closed the door.

"So." I said.

"I think she's got strong confused with hard." Dawn said.

"She's got more than a couple of things confused." I replied. "But like I keep saying. In the end, it's not my problem. And you keep suggesting that she might still be in love."

"I was giving her too much credit. Even if she were capable of love, she doesn't deserve Jerry. And she certainly doesn't deserve you."

"Oh yeah? What does she really deserve?"

"She'll get whatever she deserves. And to think that she sat there on my couch and told me to my face that my husband would be more attractive if he were just a little less open."

"Well. You just said she'll get whatever she deserves. At the moment, she hasn't got anything. She hasn't got me. She hasn't got Jerry. She hasn't even got a sexual identity. In her own personal world, she hasn't got a goddamned thing. That's a bad place to be. I'm not even sure I've ever met somebody in the place she's at right now. It's a new one on me."

"She didn't just up and lose everything. She's where she is by design. She's right where she put herself." Dawn said. "You even said as much yourself."

Dawn busied herself for a few moments in our room and then stood erect and faced me. "Have you noticed the one thing she never lets on to?" she asked.

"What's that?" I asked back.

"Whether she even likes people. You never get a sense in talking with her whether she likes people or not. All we've talked about is her partnering. Her idealized partner is a minimalist human being. Maybe what she's really saying is that she doesn't like human traits and would prefer a minimal set of them if they have to be around her at all."

"Wow, Dawn. It's amazing you can even think like that. I mean, your professional rap was the celebration and enshrinement of highly human traits. I'm surprised you readily comprehend the existence of humanistic nihilism much less identify it in a specific person."

"You're romanticizing the industry, Billy. It's very existence is the enshrinement of humanistic nihilism. Comprehend it? Shit pal. I helped define it."

"Yes dear. I guess you're right." I said with a smile.

"But I gotta say this much. Most of the people I worked with had more identifiable depth than your girlfriend out there." she said hauling her thumb up in the direction of Stasia's room. "The humanistic nihilists I've worked with are all just too warm and friendly. If nothing else, they are oh so people people. That girl in there is a little ice queen."

"She's a scared little girl, Dawn. A scared and unhappy little girl. It's too bad she wasn't born a man. Then people would let her get away with that strong silent crap without using words like little ice queen."

"Then she could be safely absorbed into the ranks of her fellow guy physicians. And maybe that's the basis of what you keep calling her preference issue. Shit, Billy. Not a single one of my well-adjusted lesbian friends would possibly want to be hooked up with that kind of baggage. Even Kelly can afford to let this one disappear."

"Do you really think she's gay?"

"Lord I hope not! She needs to stay in nobodyland until she starts figuring things out."

"But you don't dislike her?"

"She personable and polite. She's just not romance material. I can't believe you and Jerry didn't figure that out beforehand."

"We were intoxicated. It must have been the fairy dust or something."

"Yeah. I kept waiting for something to kick in. But it wasn't happening."

"Disappointed?"

"More like nonplussed."

"Let's hit the sack. I'll try to plus you."

"I'm already a plus." She stuck out her stomach. "I'm practically a double-plus."

So I went to bed with my practically double-plus momma-to-be. I was beginning to think of each day here on earth as one of two types. Either it was a day I could have anticipated beforehand, planned for, and even visualized. Or it was a day that would sneak up on me from out of the blue, and present itself like an unanticipated or even improbable relative. There was no way I would have ever visualized Anastasia and Dawn down in the hot tub sharing primal discoveries. Who would have anticipated sitting with them on a sofa in my living room sifting through the various aspects of their relationships with me? Oh, I certainly wasn't surprised. It was simply unanticipated. Easily improbable.

But it didn't take me away from the center of my tapestry. It only served to draw others closer to where I could be found. I would say that it was the first time in my life I was in such a position. And I knew it had everything to do with Dawn. I was trying to attach some meaning to Anastasia's presence in our home. But there was no readily available attachment. Nothing screamed out at me saying this is the cosmic reason for her being here. She was simply here. Yup. She was confronting the intimacy issue and she'd found a wonderfully disengenious method of denying it to its face; I can't relate to men... I must be a lesbian. It was a decent enough try. But neither Dawn nor I were buying into it. Not without something more positively compelling.

And then Dawn hit the same brick wall everybody else does with Stasia. Only for Dawn, it manifested itself as a patent lack of appreciation for the very qualities that bonded Dawn and me together. That was the only part of the situation that even remotely approached humorous, if not classically ironic. That was the part about Stasia that seemed to annoy Dawn. On the other hand, Dawn was probably over the uneasiness of having Stasia around us. For my part, I felt innoculated. After tonight, I felt immune to the impending threats of anything Stasia could possibly say or do that would mess with us. I was probably immune beforehand, but at this point I was beyond concern.

But I could see the basis of Dawn's concern. Especially as it related to Kelly. Stasia was the kind of woman who would declare herself by crusade. This was worth waking Dawn up to pursue.

"Dawn." I said gently. "Dawn. Are you awake?"

"No dear. You've reached a recording." she said. "What is it?"

"I certainly hesitate to wake you over something semi-trivial. But I've got to ask you something. Or maybe I'll just run it by you and you can tell me if I'm right or wrong."

"Sure. What is it?" she said as she turned toward me.

"Let's say I was just in your hot tub and for potentially erroneous reasons I've come to the conclusion I'm crusader-quality gay."

"OK. Let's say that."

"And my new friend asked me just last night to be Cassandra Hallidey's replacement in an anticipated upcoming video release."

"So I call up your new friend and get her the hell over here like tomorrow morning. Does that answer your question?" she asked.

"So we're on the same page?" I asked.

"Line for line." she answered. "Not bad for a guy. But I keep forgetting you're Amanda's little guy." Then she patted me on the cheek.

"So you're not going to let either one of them do this if you can help it."

"It's not like I have anything to say about it." Dawn said. "I'm just going to make sure Kelly knows what's going on. She could be handing Stasia a loaded pistol. And Stasia could be putting it up to her own head and firing. And it could hit Kelly. None of this needs to happen."

"So how's it going to play? You and Kelly? You and me and Kelly? You and Stasia and Kelly?"

"I don't know yet. Probably Kelly and me. Then Stasia. You don't need to bother with any of this if you don't want to."

"Cool. Maybe we'll keep this a two-women-and-a-girl thing." I said.

"As you wish. Anything else on your mind?"

"How fast did you make the connections? Back to Kelly, I mean."

"The second Stasia called me Cassandra Hallidey. Right at the moment of her revelation. That's when I envisioned the worst case I could think of. And it was far from improbable."

"More like Kelly-probable?" I asked.

"Dangerously. I could practically feel Kelly's hands on her cellphone. I'm surprised it took her another five minutes to call us."

"So what are you going to tell Kelly?" I asked. "Stasia's going through a sexual crisis and we feel this is a bad time to give her access to worldwide media?"

"Hey! Not bad. Maybe we can develop your talents as an antipublicist."

"Well you're still the queen. Halli's already got the best antipublicist in the business." I said. "So since you're awake, tell me about Kelly. Did you have to teach her anything gay? Or did she come up with her own moves?"

"Is that your slinky way of asking me if Kelly's really bisexual?"

"No. That's not my question. Did you have to teach her anything gay? Or did she come up with her own moves?"

"She was playful in her own right and she came up with her own stuff. Typically, we don't share our moves. We can make a suggestion here and there. But if you have to teach somebody on the set, you're using the wrong actress. Even if it's Kelly Stone. If Kelly had been inexperienced, we would have played up the virgin characteristic. But Kelly isn't convincing in the role of novitiate. And Women of the Resurrection wasn't about indoctrination. Remember?"

"Is Kelly easy to work with?" I asked.

"Absolutely. Totally laid back. She's already getting a reputation in the right circles as delightfully easy to work with."

"Where do you think she'll be in a couple of years, Dawn?"

"Wherever she wants, Billy. Anywhere."

"Could she be in Hollywood?"

"If that's what she wants. She'll make a decent living while somebody teaches her to act. My guess is that between the way she looks and the silky way she talks, people won't require highly developed theatrical skills until she's ready to stretch her legs. There are tons of parts Kelly could do right now. She'd never need acting lessons."

"Does she ever give you any hints what direction she's looking to take?" I asked.

"Not any more than she gives you. Either she doesn't really know or she's keeping it to herself. What do you think she's going to do, Billy?" Dawn asked back.

"Well, she still sees herself as a competitive athlete. That has more to do with things than anything else until her situation changes. Everything else is simple frosting. She won't be giving up a viable riding career for prissy spreads and photo shoots. She says so herself. I see her staying here for awhile. Then she'll get tired of it and move on."

"Why the interest in Kelly, Billy? What's really on your mind?"

"She's our daughter's version of television. I'd like to understand the influence."

"Believe it or not, Kelly's probably a better influence on Halli than television. TV is dangerously random. Kelly isn't random at all. So she's easier to contain."

"But she's two for two focusing her influence on the same women you end up shielding. How's that gonna play out with her when you start shielding Anastasia?" I asked.

"Hmm. Good point. I hadn't considered it. Go on."

"The first moment it had occurred to me that Kelly was interested in Stasia, I was ready to barter human souls. I was ready to trade Stasia to Kelly to get Halli back. Really. That's what I was thinking. Fairly Faustian, huh."

"Metaphorically interesting. But that's not reality." Dawn said. "But let's develop the metaphor fully and then start chipping away at it. OK? Kelly is our own creation. Let's even call her random. She comes after my own daughter. Then we trade Stasia's soul for Halli's and we get her back. But she's not really back because she worships Kelly. Now we've lost both souls. There's no reasoning with Kelly because she claims she's our own creation. She tells us to go reason with ourselves. WIth our own desires. And by extension, Halli and Stasia are destroyed not by a random machine called Kelly, but by our own actions. That's the Faustian metaphor. Are you with me?"

"I'm there."

"Now let's chip away at it until the comparasons simply fall apart." Dawn said. "First of all, as you have been quick to remind me, Kelly isn't our creation. We didn't just pick her out of the snowfield, as you put it. See? I pay attention to the things you say."

"OK. Keep going." I said with a smiling fascination.

"Second, I got Halli back on the strengths of my influence as a mother. I didn't have to barter a goddamned thing. I didn't compromise with Kelly. I set a few limits and things fell into place. If anything, I exercised some additional integrity and Kelly had to lay off."

"Clearly antimetaphorical."

"Clearly. Third, we're not here to protect Stasia. We're more interested in protecting Kelly. Not as a creation, but as our young and impressionable friend. She's capable of making mistakes and there's no reason to sit back and simply watch her blow her own brains out. Fourth, if Kelly and Stasia end up hurting each other in a foolish misuse of the media, it's certainly not because of my actions and desires. If it were, then Kelly herself would be opting out of the oven in favor of a more constructive career using Stasia as a role model and not the other way around. In short, your metaphor may be projective, but it's certainly not descriptive."

"Can you do that at will? Wake up in the middle of the night and sound so lucid?" I asked.

"I didn't wake up in the middle of the night, Billy. I've been lying here in bed thinking the same thoughts you were. I'm glad you chose to share them with me. Thanks."

We embraced and kissed.

"We share a common concern for our friend Kelly." she said. "You were right about Stasia. She's a loose cannon rolling around on the deck of Kelly's boat. With any luck, she'll break a railing and roll right off the deck. Kelly won't even have to slow down for it. She should just make a mental note to herself to tie down the next cannon she brings aboard and maybe fix the railing. Or not."

"Maybe Kelly's boat doesn't need railing. Maybe nothing gets broken when Stasia rolls off the deck."

"Man that's cynical. That's a truly ovenworthy comment."

"Oh? What's more cynical? What I'm saying about Kelly or what I'm saying about Stasia?"

"You haven't said anything about Stasia. What you just said was all about Kelly."

"Am I being unnecessarily cynical? Or am I being accurately cynical?" I asked.

"You're being impartially ovenlike. If Faustus were this arbitrary, he could have been his own resurrectionist. He would have been centuries ahead of his time. He would have been born an austro-germanic philosopher."

"Well does it bother you?"

"The death of Billie Holiday would have bothered me more. This doesn't exactly reassure me. But it won't keep me up at night."

"OK. I'll behave and go back to sleep."

"Goodnight, Herr Freddie. I love you."

"I love you too Dawn, morning star of the east."

Then I had the strangest dream. I was recruited into the local auxiliary of the Bibb County Sheriff's department, traffic control division. I was dressed like a State Trooper except for the shoes. I was driving around in a fully capable cop cruiser with climbing boots. At the end of my shift, I was in Atlanta. But I got a call to return to Bibb and write up a traffic offender but I decided to blow it off and hang with some locals in the big city. Everywhere we went I had to climb over things like I was hiking in the rocks of Colorado. I got where I was going but I was learning to climb. And the obstacles that weren't scalable, we simply dismantled. And we left discarded rubble in our wake. It was the city and I didn't think twice about having to clean it up.